How to be Beaten by the Heat

Hello out there. No, you. Yes, y--...no, no, no. I'm talking to YOU. Right.

Hi.

My brains are addled and fried. I spent last night without air conditioning. Now, before you call me a wussy and say that I've had it too easy for too long, I'm way ahead of you. And you're right. And that's my point. I wasn't made for hard times. I'm just a pasty, doughy white man, trying to get by on my mediocre looks, and all the advantages that society likes to throw at such ethnic pieces of white toast with mayonnaise.

But it was hot. So hot. But I think that I found several good ways to beat the heat if you have no air conditioning:

1. First of all, you must immediately forget your firm resolution never to begin a numbered list until you have considered what you are going to put on the list. In apocalyptic inferno weather, that won't help you in the least.
2. Pretend that the sensation you're experiencing is you pouring acid onto your genitals. You might find yourself thinking, "You know, this is uncomfortable and all, and I am feeling a little woozy, but I have to say, I'm kind of relieved to notice that it's not THAT bad."
3. Refuse to drink any fluids. Why? Because that's just what they want you to do.
4. Buy the best fan you can find. Then, just throw that stupid thing away. It's not going to help you. It would be like wearing sunglasses while on the sun. Mm. Not a LOT like that. But enough like it that I'm going to move onto number 5, whatever it is.
5. Do double shots of sunscreen. It won't help keep you cool, but it might put you in the hospital and I'm almost positive they have air conditioning.

See you on the field of Armageddon!

Dear Mel Gibson

I'm not an anti-semite, and I don't think you should be either. However, since that is your choice, I think it is my duty to help in any way that I can. And I think you might be doing it wrong. For instance, you can't go into rehab to explain racism. It's just not going to cover it. Nobody ever says:

"Man, I was SO HAMMERED last night. Oh no...did I...? Wait a second...did I...denounce the Jews? Dude, I gotta lay off the sauce!"

It just doesn't really work for those of us who aren't, you know, crazy.

I don't know if the arresting officer was Jewish, but if he was I think you might have helped yourself out quite a bit by leaving out all the blame tossed at his race. (And even though I'm not Jewish myself, I betcha nothing makes a Jewish person more comfortable and relaxed than asking them the question, "Are you a Jew?" Bravo.)

Mostly though, Mr. Gibson, I really appreciate your thoroughness in your drunken tirade. (Alleged tirade, of course.) You slandered a race of people, you called one cop "sugar tits." You attempted to make a run for it when you were asked to get into the squad car. You even did the celebrity standby, your own version of, "I OWN THIS TOWN!!" In comedy, we call that a "grand slam." So thanks for that lumberjack's breakfast, something for everyone loss of sanity.

-mac

Thanks!

Hey everybody,

Thanks so much to those of you who watched the show on Friday night. And for those of you who did not, well, it IS Comedy Central, so I'm sure they'll be playing it every couple of days for the next 19 years.

Seriously, it was definitely the highest point of my career to date, and one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me, period. I look forward to the next one, whenever that may be (and you're all coming to the taping, by the way, so start picking out outfits.)

See you soon!

-mac

Tonight! Me! On Television! You LIKE Television!

Hey everybody,

Just a reminder that tonight at 11pm E.S.T. you can see me from the comfort of your own home on Comedy Central. You can sit on your couch, eat Kraft macaroni and cheese, you can smear ice cream all over the back of your neck in an effort to keep cool if you want to. Hey, it's your house. I'm certainly not going to judge you. I've lived alone long enough to know that the things one does in the privacy of their own home are, while shameful, nobody's bidness but their own. The important thing is that you look at moving pictures of me while you're doing it. Ok, I just got a little grossed out.

And I also wanted to say thanks to everybody who's been so supportive and awesome. And also to the people who have NOT been that way, but have made themselves easy to ignore. Either way, I come out a winner. Thanks, y'all. (Yeah, I went to college in North Carolina. What of it?)

See you on the other side,

-mac

See Jeff Mac on the TEEvee--Friday Night!!!

Hey everybody,

I just wanted to let you know that my episode of Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham" will air this Friday, July 28th at 11pm E.S.T. Check your local listings and you can see MY NAME right there in the guide! If you have special circumstances, see my official workarounds below.

• If you live in, say, Australia...well, I don't know how much Comedy Central programming you folks get down there. If you don't get any at all, just look at a wallaby and imagine me saying funny things. It might not give you the same effect, but it will be super fun, I'm sure of it.
• If you are reading this from Iraq, feel free to do the same thing but with a grenade or something. (Please be careful.)
• If you have children and find it difficult to find time to watch television, you've got a good 4 and a half days to put them up for adoption.
• If you don't have a TV, bake one of your kinfolk a gooseberry pie and mayhap they'll let you set a spell in front of THEIR talky box.
• If you have a TV but no cable, please tell me how great PBS is again. I never get tired of hearing about that.
  

Seriously, if you get a chance, check it out. I'm really excited! When I saw my name on the onscreen guide, I almost dropped a deuce in my pants.

I love you all, you magnificent bastards.

-mac

Dear Guy in the Restroom:

I am writing to you regarding the moment when you were alone at the urinal and you farted like a trombone. Thanks for adding, "Wow." It kind of made my day.

Sincerely,

Jeff Mac

WARNING!

I noticed recently that movie warnings are more specific than they used to be. I think it was when I saw a preview for a vampire movie that was rated R due to, among other things, "Vampire Violence." Seriously.



Only in America do parents need more information than 'Violence' to decide whether or not to bring the kids. "Welllll, what KIND of violence? In our house, we allow the kids to see around eleven types. We only forbid them to watch squirrel violence, ice cream man violence, and Frankenstein violence. Which kind does your movie provide?"


And with the sex and nudity, it's all very vague. 'Mild' Sexual Content or 'Strong' Sexual Content. Or 'Extra Crispy'. And with Nudity, it's not even that much. Just 'Brief' or...regular? Which is nowhere NEAR specific enough for me. If I'm going to have to look at Harvey Keitel's balls, I'm going to need a few minutes to clear some headspace for that image. I can't be going in thinking Hollywood Nudity and getting Beloved But Out Of Shape Character Actor From The Days Of Yore Nudity. That's not good for you.


And finally, there's "Adult Situations." Given that the above two are already accounted for, I'm not sure what's left. I guess it's basically just saying, "Look, this isn't for children, and we're not really sure why." But what could it be? Gratuitous shots of someone saving a receipt for tax purposes? Or maybe just someone going, "You know, this bar soap is just messy. I think I'm going to get squirt-bottle handsoap." That, my friends, is an Adult Situation.

Dear My Blog:

Why have you not been updated by me in, like, a week? What's going on? I've compiled a short list of possible reasons for your reprehensible lack of being updated by me:

1. The blogger in question (yours truly) has been spending his time announcing lists for which he has not yet thought of any contents. Like, you know, this one. This is probably disheartening for you, the receptacle into which such lists eventually are put.
2. The grammar in list item #1, while lovely, is annoyingly correct. I'd think that might bother you. I'm not wild about it either, if that makes you feel any better.
3. The internet was broken, and so I couldn't update you. Yeah, I'd think someone might have noticed. Or said something on the news like, "The internet is down, productivity soars," or "The internet is down, office workers begin beating each other to death with office furniture."
4. Absolutely nothing amusing happened for 7 full days.
5. It's too hot for humor. New York City feels like someone slit open a dead body and shoved me inside of it. Not unlike that creature that Han Solo cut open to keep Luke Skywalker warm in the beginning of "The Empire Strikes Back."
6. Maybe you were depressed by the fact that I know the name of the species of creature mentioned in #5.
7. It's a tautaun.

 

Bong-Bong!!!

How much "Law & Order" can one person watch? My answer is the same one that some alcoholics will give when asked how much they drink per day. "Well...all of it."

 

I love it so much. If you played that "bong-bong" noise out of context, I think I would begin to drool.

 

I drool anyway, but that's more out of laziness than any Pavlovian training. It's something I'm working on, and not something that I feel the need to defend to you people.

 

Ok, I apologize. That was, in fact, pretty defensive. If we were on Law & Order, and I had died shortly following that comment, that snarky coroner lady would be describing how my body showed signs of defensive wounds. You know, scuffs and scratches, skin under the fingernails. They'd be able to get your DNA and you'd be just about to get away with it, but Sam Waterston would find some sneaky way to get out of a plea bargain he had made with you, and you'd go down for the full 25 to life.

 

Oh, TV. Do you see what you do to me when you go on summer rerun vacation? If you drive me to a life of taking walks, reading books and talking with loved ones, I swear to god I'm going to do something that, given enough clues, will raise Jerry Orbach from the dead to bring me to justice.

Revenge

Dear Tattooed People Who Are Cooler Than I Am,

 

I just saw a 75 year old man with the barbed wire tattoos around his "biceps." Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Have fun, everybody!!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Dorky McNoTattoos

 

 

Thank you, Jacques Cousteau

I recently recorded a television program about famed marine biologist/explorer, Jacques Cousteau's son getting into a submersible that looks and moves like a great white shark. I haven't seen the show yet, so I won't comment on the moronity of such an act just yet. I will say this -- that's just one of the first steps in what was a lifelong dream of Cousteau's.

1.  First Cousteau went down there in a shark cage or a sub.
   
2. Then, his son builds a sub that looks like a shark.
   
3. His grandson then builds a special camera that he can bring with him inside an actual LIVING great white shark. (He had to build a special camera because otherwise they wouldn't give him the grant to just go out and essentially "wear" a shark.)
   
4. Cousteau's GREAT grandson just shoots himself in the mouth with a speargun while shouting "Sharks!"
5. His great-great grandson embarrasses his wife at parties by putting a jellyfish in his pants.
6. Finally, his great-great grandson just pees into the ocean every Fourth of July.
   

A masterful life.

Thought on Swimming...

At this point, how much of the Earth's oceans are just pure fish pee?

Missiles that could reach Alaska!!!

Dear Mr. President,

 

If you don't stop North Korea, and I mean NOW, they will soon have the capability of nuking Alaska before you get the chance to petro-rape it. Consider yourself forewarned. Don't let that little freak to steal your thunder. Nobody trashes our Arctic until WE do, baby.

 

Sincerely,

 

Someone who wouldn't have voted for you even if you were running against an old tire smeared with poo

Holy cow

Uh...I just had a birthday and realized something. When I graduated from high school, it happened to be on my 18th birthday. My birthday last week was 18 years after that day. I did that amount of time again since high school -- e.g. I'm an old person. Luckily, I look fantastic considering just how mind numbingly old I am. I mean I am old. You know that stuff in that tupperware in my fridge? Ok, that's old. But that's just a baby compared to me. A little au gratin potato baby.

 

Thank god I can't have children (My doctor ran some tests and I was diagnosed with "not wanting any children." Out of my hands, you know?) Kids would, by comparison, make me look even OLDER than the old, old, old that I actually am.

 

Some things to do once you're as old as I am:

1. Seriously, really, make a decision to refuse to begin numbered lists until you have some stuff to put in the list. It's not helping anyone, so really change that behavior, stat.
2. Eat anything and everything you want. You're going to die soon anyway. You're not going to be on your deathbed thinking, "Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't eat that club sandwich."
3. Wear bad clothing. (I'm way ahead of the curve on this one.)
4. Become ridiculously cheap to the point where you'll eat dinner at 2 in the afternoon if they offer a discount.
5. Learn what "escrow" means.
6. Watch movies that have "adult themes." I'm not sure what that means. Maybe movies about escrow.
7. Lie down as often as possible. Again, you're going to die soon. You'll have to lie down then. Make it easy on yourself and get down there now.

See you on the other side. Go into the light!

Interesting Ways for the World to End: A preview

In re-reading Stephen King's The Stand, it occurs to me that the world will probably come to an end at some point. Personally, I'm all for it. I mean, if we're all going to die anyway, wouldn't it be fun to have it happen all during the same week and a half? (The answer is probably "no" but what are you going to do, right? Am I right, people?)

 

Here's a brief rundown of some of the ways it could all go down.

• PLAGUE: This is how it happens in The Stand. I'm not sure if it is the worst way for the apocalypse to come upon us, but it seems sure to be the most fragrant. (rating - One and a half horsemen) 
• ROBOTS BECOME INTELLIGENT, KILL US BECAUSE WE HAVE BECOME A DANGER TO THEM: I love this one. My only wish is that just once before I die, I get to see a scientist on television saying, "As you can see, D12 is perfectly harmless, and incapable of harming a...D12, put that down. Stop, D12. Seriously. Oh crap."(rating - 4 horsemen)
• NUCLEAR WAR:  I don't know about this one anymore. It's so '80s, you know? I guess suitcase nukes are a little punk, but a full-on nuclear war? Will we have to have spiked hair and parachute pants again? Because if we do, I'm all for total destruction.  (rating - half a wormy horseman)
• ALIEN INVASION: Again, love it. Bring it on, please, please, please. War with aliens would be hell, I'm sure. (Especially if it works out to be as retarded as Spielberg's remake of War of the Worlds. I wouldn't be surprised if there are alien cultures planning our demise right now, just because of that film.) But it's got to be more interesting than going to work every morning, no? (rating - 4 horsemen)
• GIANT METEOR: Meh. Not bad. Although it would have the added benefit of not really having any effect on anything until right at the moment of impact. And if people had enough warning, there would be some of the most stunning sex, partying, and carrying on ever imagined. (rating - 3 horsemen)
• ZOMBIES: Ohhhh, come to papa. The best destruction of society EVER. I would be so great in a zombie apocalypse. I really would. And even if I didn't cut it as a zombie hunter, I bet I'd make a rather dashing zombie as well. Either way, I come out a winner. (rating - 5 horsemen)

I hope this guide has been both informative, and...see, I said the word "both" but I only had one thing that I hoped the guide had been. Gotta stop doing that.

More Subway Letters

Dear Well Dressed Person Who Surely Pooped On the Train,

 

Good decision for you to do that? I couldn't say. Frankly, I don't know what your plans are for the day, so I couldn't tell you if that's going to work for you as the day wears on. Bold decision? Ten-four, good buddy.

 

Sincerely,

 

One of the people who have noses and opinions about where poop ought to be stored

 

=============

Dear Bird Flu,

 

Please don't come to the subway. I'm reading Stephen King's The Stand right now. And while I believe I would really enjoy surviving an apocalyptic event that might make my rush hour commute less crowded, I can't help but wonder if there wouldn't be some kind of a "downside" to something like this. Get over there in the birds where we can see you, and come out with your pseudopodia in the air.

 

-mac

 

==============

Dear Person Who I Can't Remember,

 

I had something funny to say about you, I'm just sure of it. But now I can't think of a thing about you. Were you maybe wearing funny shoes? Probably not, but I'm really at a loss here. I'm getting older, and they say that absolutely everything is the first thing to go. Boy were THEY right, huh? Ok, keep up the good work. Maybe I'll see you again sometime after I've had some caffiene in me.

 

-Jeff

 

 

Say Goodbye to my Little Friend!

Dear Mosquito that I Killed at Around 3am,

 

Hi! Boy, I bet you weren't expecting to hear from me! Thanks so much for being so thwackable at the end, especially after the many fruitless hunting expeditions I embarked upon to find you. In truth, I didn't expect that you were going to be so hard to find. First of all, my apartment is small enough that you were basically my roommate. I was going to ask you to start paying half the rent. Secondly, after the quart of my blood that you siphoned out of me, I expected you to be the size of a sandwich, waddling on the floor, too heavy to fly. You can really hold your plasma, my little dead friend.

 

Well, I guess I'll sign off. I only regret that you weren't intelligent enough to have been terrified and in excruciating pain as I smashed you into oblivion (or into "bolivian" as Mike Tyson once said.) I hope this letter finds you in the pit of hell being drained of blood by creepy, little flying humans who have found their way into your mosquito apartment, and you have no idea how they got in.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Guy Who Will Joyfully Kill Any of Your Kin Who Foolishly Cross Me

A Brush With Lame!

I was walking to work this morning, whistling, skipping, saying hello to little children and playing hopscotch/stickball/jumping rope with them as I passed, thanking my lucky stars that in this cold, cruel universe, I have somewhere to go where everyone knows my name. And expects me to do things at their bidding or else they won't give me money. You know -- the usual.

 

Anyway, I saw a face that I recognized, and my mental filing system went to work to figure out who it was. Is that...it's Jose Ferrer, right? No, he didn't look like that even before he stopped being alive. Miguel Ferrer? No, that's the first guy's son. Alive, so we're getting warmer, but still doesn't look like this guy. And even if I'm sure his name is Ferrer, I can't imagine why Miguel Ferrer would get reconstructive surgery to look like this dude. (Then again, I did just see some of the movie "Stephen King's The Night Flier" on cable. Not so good. But that's not HIS fault, god damn it. )

 

Then the sad truth occurred to me. This was the Ferrer who ran for mayor a few years ago. I think. Freddy Ferrer? Sigh. And as I walked along, I stopped the whistling and the whole bit and just stood on the street corner and wept bitter tears, longing for a better Ferrer sighting where no better Ferrer sighting existed. And by that, I mean that I came into work, made some green tea, and started working. And by THAT I mean, I came and wrote this to you. Also, I didn't "make" the green tea. It was pretty much already there in a little bag.

 

I think having a job is doing things to my brains. I don't know how people do this shit year in and year out, I have to tell you.

Karl Rove was not indicted for leaking!

I don't understand how that's possible. He certainly LOOKS guilty. No good person looks like that, I promise you. I wonder if it's because the word "indicted" is pronounced in-DITE-ed, but it's spelled with that total freakout of a C in the middle there. I've always found that C to be more than a little disturbing. What does that C know that it isn't telling us? I'm guessing absolutely nothing, but who can be sure?  Knowing Karl Rove, I'll bet he used that to his advantage. Dirty bastard.

 

Oh great. Now I'm going to face attack ads engineered by Karl Rove for calling him a dirty bastard. And YOU'RE going to be sued just for reading about it. I'm not being paranoid here, people. It happens. Happens every day. Some days it happens thrice. Yeah. I said it. I said "thrice." I figure if I've got the NSA crawling up into my crawlspace, I might as well go the whole 9 yards with it. Oh and I just want you to know that I fully understand that football reference that I just made. Well, actually I don't. You have to go ten yards before anything really good happens in football (if even then.) So I don't know why we are told to be so impressed by going the whole 9. It's a scam people. Wake up! Wake up! Arise and fight!

 

What is this post about, people? It's about a need to type things, my babies. Sometimes I post things, and sometimes my fingers do it for me. Either way, you come out a winner. And I come out a loser. I thank you and good night. If it isn't nighttime when you read this, just wait awhile. It'll happen. Mark my words.

 

Sincerely,

 

I'm So Bored at Work, I'm Considering Peeing My Pants Just for the Scandal

Soccer? (I barely even know 'er. Hayyyyo!)

Ok, I only have one small observation about soccer. For a game that freaking long, they have some balls to allow there to be a tie. What the hell is that?

"Oh, you know what? Win, lose, whatever. The point is, we both did great. Let's just stop now and admire the long, slow road we took to get here."

Dear American Airlines

Hi! Remember me? I'm the guy who flew on your airline twice in 4 days. Remember how you showed the teen mermaid movie, "Aquamarine" both times? Yeah? Me too. I can't get it out of my head. But I bet you're thinking that you have taken the crown for worst aviatial double feature in history, right?

 

Wrong.

 

The year was 1996. The seas were stormy, my friends. I was on a bus, so it didn't really matter how the seas were. The important thing is that you are my friends, and that you understand the ambience situation. The shit was coming down, is all I'm getting at. Actually, I can't remember what the weather was like. But had the weather been in some way tuned into my soon-to-be-movie-viewing experience, well, giant poops would have been flying out of the sky. Face-seeking poops honing in on each and every one of us.

 

See, now I've got nowhere to go. All I was trying to say is that ten years ago I saw Squanto: A Warrior's Tale on a bus, twice in a single weekend. And on a bus, you can't just not buy the headphones like with Aquamarine. You had to hear the whole thing. In space no one can hear you scream, but on a bus no one...well, no one cares, I guess. Maybe it's "On a bus, everyone can smell your B.O."

 

Incidentally, American Airlines, I just wanted to let you know that I got the gist of Aquamarine, even without sound. Basically, 2 girls are in love with a lifeguard who likes the hot, mean girl. Then they find a mermaid who makes out with the lifeguard they love. For some reason, they are happy about this. Everybody cries at some point. Did I miss anything?

 

Please send me a transcript of the film at your earliest convenience. Or just an old, shit-smeared pillowcase since that seems to have been what they were working with when they made the film.

 

I thank you.

 

-mac 

Things to Do Before Hitting the Desert

Hello all. I'm back from my desert adventure. I have learned things, people. Learned lessons that will help you live your lives, I have. And I will now share them with you. Should you decide to check out the desert, here are some things that you must do first:

• LIKE BROWN: If you don't really enjoy the color brown, Albuquerque is going to be rough on you, I'm telling you right now. There is a city ordinance that says buildings have to look like adobe. Seriously. Everything is brown. And everything that you buy to put on your property is also the same color brown.  So you can go to a McDonald's that looks just like a Spanish mission. And sit outside under brown umbrellas at brown picnic tables. If you want to, I'm saying.
  
• READ YOUR ITINERARY: I can't stress this enough people. JFK airport is NOT, nor will it ever be LaGuardia airport, even if you are really, really late and almost miss your flight because you went to the former instead of the latter. Not that anyone, er, ever DOES this. Surely no. I'm just saying that it would be...ah...a bad thing for YOU to do.
• LOVE CAB DRIVER NAMES: A lot has been made of the very, very foreign spellings of cabbie names. But I had two cab drivers this weekend, and both were not only completely pronounceable, but 100% delightful. Here they are: Lancelot Gibson, and Man Peter. I feel like they might be moonlighting as spammers.

Oh, and regarding my last post -- I did not see an actual lizard, but I DID see a lizard PERSON. She was every bit as terrifying as any lizard. Or at least as terrifying as a lizard's brother.

Jeff Mac, King of the Desert

Well, tomorrow I am off to sunny Albuquerque, New Mexico for a few days. I'm assuming it will be sunny, anyway. Actually, since I've never seen the desert before, I'm assuming that it will be a cross between a Wile E. Coyote cartoon and the Land of Mordor. And what, pray tell, will I do in the land where Bugs Bunny should have taken that left turn on his way to Pismo Beach? Why, I'm glad I pretended that you asked.

 

Things I hope to accomplish while in the desert:

1. I resolve to stop, once and for all, starting numbered lists before thinking of at least one (1) item to PUT on such a list. It's really freaks out Standards & Practices, you know? Something about liability or indemnity, I believe.
2. I will develop standards and/or practices.  
3. I would like to see either a.) a lizard or b.) a person who is so tan that (s)he has become lizard-like. In either case, I hope to squeal and say, "Oh my god, that is SO COOL! Do they bite?"
4. Given my lovely alabaster skintone, I would like to avoid erupting into flames from sunburn.
5. Failing in #3, I will attempt to peel off a single layer of skin from my entire body, so it looks like a husk of my actual self. (i.e. how I am on the inside.)
6. I'd like to find a cactus that shoots its quills at you upon feeling the vibrations of your footsteps. Unless that was just in a book I read one time. In that case, I would like to find that book and read it in the desert. I bet that'd be almost just as good. (As an example, reading about bioweapons and terrorism is actually WAY more fun than seeing them in person.)

I will try to post from Albu (if they even have computers there.)

Dear Guy With the Sweat Problem Part 2 (An Apology)

Hi, friend. Sorry I disrespected your subway perspiration problems the other day. How was I to know that only a few short days later, I too would find myself spouting water from all corners of the bod? You have shown me the dripping buttcrack of my soul, and for that I am both chastened and humbled. I thank you.

 

Now that New York is in the full throes of swamp-assed summer, I see now that you were simply ahead of your time, sweating the bejesus out of yourself when it wasn't even warm enough to be necessary. I see now that you just had the foresight to be proactive about it. And I ask you, I ask all of us: who's laughing now? Uh...actually, I don't know who.

 

And as a sidenote, now that it is so hot and nasty down there in the subways, my condolences on what I can only refer to as your "personal humidity index." I'm guessing that you could sweat through a down parka in about a minute and a half these days. (And as such, I don't recommend that you wear one.)

 

Enjoy the summer, Sweat Guy! And make sure you drink lots of gatorade or something, lest ye burst into flames.

 

Sincerely,

 

Newly Hot as all Hell in Brooklyn

Lost (mmm...not really)

PROBLEM: I wanted to watch the 2nd season finale of "Lost" last night, but up until that moment I had only seen maybe 4 episodes of the first season. I was unprepared. I barely had any unanswered questsion and I didn't know HALF the things I was supposed to not understand.

 

SOLUTION: I decided to watch anyway. Since I didn't have the background information to be properly confused, I would just have to make do by being confused on the fly.  I just have a couple of questions.

1. What was that big, bright ball in the sky that came out during the daytime and then at night -- EVERY night -- went away?! (note: seemed almost "warm", less so when hid behind white puffy things.)
2. I must have missed the episode where they explained why the plane that crashed was filled almost exclusively with attractive people. Probably a total conspiracy.
3. After months on an island, how is the fat guy still fat?

I'm sure that I have more questions, but my mind is just too blown to even know what they are.

The Da Vinci Code Diet!!

That isn't a joke. That is the premise of a REAL article in a magazine I saw while waiting in line at the grocery store. "Lose a pound a day on the Da Vinci Code diet!" I didn't buy this publication for fear of becoming retarded by touching the cover. However, in the spirit of the article, I would like to speculate wildly on the tenets of such a diet.

• Every time you feel hungry, just take a moment and think how the Catholic church feels about this book and movie. Imagine that you are eating their anger and fear. See how full you feel?
• If you are a devout Catholic, refrain from eating anything but communion wafers. You will feel thinner and holier almost immediately!
• Begin reading "The Da Vinci Code." Refuse to eat just until you're done with the chapter you're on. Once you finish the chapter, the cliffhanger ending will keep you reading until you pass out from malnutrition. When you wake up in the hospital, you'll have those washboard abs that you've always dreamed of.
• Eat the book. (Be sure to remove the cover because it is always the fattiest part of a book.)

Open Letters to NYC

Dear Guy With the Sweating Issue,

Look, I know it's lousy for you. I'm sure of it. But if, when you stand up, the back of your seat looks like the outside of a glass of iced tea on a hot summer day, give it a little wipe. Just to let us know that you only sweat like an animal but are, in fact, a human yourself.

Sincerely,

Desiring of Dryness in Brooklyn
==============

Dear Father of Small Child,

Please don't bring that tiny person with you during rush hour. It defeats the whole purpose of naming it that. Now, I'm not saying I blame your child for missing that train. I don't. I blame YOU. Just because you made a decision that affects your schedule, please keep that poop machine away from the rest of us until it can run down the stairs.

Yours,

Childless and Giddy About It
================
and finally....

Dear Lady Cop on the Train,

Thank you for slamming the holster for your sidearm into my crotch as you went by. While I am not a criminal, I feel that you have helped me to understand what it might be like to BE one for a second. Any thoughts of turning to a life of crime are now as gone as the feeling that my balls are intact. Thanks!

With Gratitude,

Gelded and Chastened

Moving Day!

Well, sort of. I did my first bi-annual moving of the furniture in my new-ish apartment the other day. I like to move my stuff around every once in a while to give me the impression that life is shiny and new. Of course it is -- my bed is way the fuck over HERE now. Yesterday, it was way over THERE. You know, back in the old days when they used to have to hand crank just about everything to get it going. You even had to hand crank water -- not the pump (also a hand crank) but the actual water, itself. That's how primitive it was. Yesterday, I'm saying. When my bed was over there.

 

Here's my dilemma: I can't sleep. My bed is about 4 feet from where it used to be. In fact, if you know anything about my apartment, you'll know that it is also about 4 feet from everything else that I own. So what's the big deal? Why can't I sleep now? I have several theories:

• The new spot is on a fault line and I, like a dog, can predict that there will be an earthquake in this section of the room.

• My bed is now directly over an old indian burial ground, and I'm sensing the restless dead beneath me.

• My sheets are made of iron, and the shift in compass direction is making me nauseous.

• I have an irrational fear that I will roll over and out of the window.

• I have an irrational JOY that I will roll over and out of the window, and I can't sleep from all the excitement.

I'm sure that it's either one of these things, or it's something different. That much is clear.

Some Restrictions May Apply

In researching whether or not to get an extended warranty for something, I came across this useful piece of information:

 

"...covered, unless failure is due to accidental or intentional damage." So if something goes wrong they'll pay for it. Unless it was an accident. Oh, also if it's NOT an accident. But other than that...

 

So, that's kind of everything isn't it? That would be like saying, "You can ride this rollercoaster unless you are under 4 feet tall. Or if you are OVER 4 feet tall. Basically, don't ride this rollercoaster. That's ten bucks, please."

 

I love this idea. I am going to use it in every contract I ever draw up. And since I'm not a lawyer, boy will THAT not have any effect on my life! But sometimes it's fun just to type. Or to scream at the top of your lungs, "Pudding! Look out for the pudding! Jesus, God, those madmen! What were they thinking, making all that pudding!!??" Either thing is very fun. Really fun. Uh...yes.

 

Carry on, everyone. And Godspeed. You know, if you're going somewhere. (I, clearly, am not.)

A Face To Die For: The Jeff Mac Not Blogging Story - a LifeTime Original Blog Entry

Scene One: Jeff Mac and his blog are clearly in love, running around in fields and throwing stuff to each other. Hilarious! But the cello in the soundtrack tells you that it's all going to hell, and pretty soon Meredith Baxter-Birney's agent will do battle with Judith Light's agent to see who gets to play the role of Jeff's Blog's wicked mother-in-law.

 

Scene Two: Jeff Mac throws acid in his blog's face. "Who will want you now?" he screams, laughing maniacally. The blog says nothing, but secretly wonders if there should have been maybe some motivation behind that sort of thing.

 

Scene Three: The blog goes to prison, framed for the death of Jeff Mac. (In fact, Jeff has faked his own death and taken the inheritance money. Roll with it.)

 

Scene Four: In jail, the blog meets a strong black woman who tells it that it has to stand up for itself. It does.

 

Scene Five: The blog is paroled, kills Jeff Mac, and is sued by Ashley Judd for plagiarizing her movie.

 

Scene Six: The Present Day. Jeff Mac and his blog are back together again, with no explanation for how Jeff isn't dead, since he was clearly killed in Scene Five. Magical Realism, people. Look it up.

 

Director's Note: Sorry I've been on a bit of a hiatus. I'll be floggin' the blog with far more regularity, once again.

George Clooney Speaks Out on Darfur!

George, I don't know if you're reading this right now. (Of course you are. I can't imagine what you could possibly have to do with all of your time besides read this blog.) But if you are out there, listen to me very carefully before you take up another humanitarian cause with passion and integrity. The women of the world? They surrender, ok? You don't have to keep out-wonderfuling yourself. THEY WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.  Please leave some for everybody else.

Sincerely,

A Selfish Dude Who You are Clearly Better Than*


*Or, if you prefer, "A Selfish Dude Than Whom You are Clearly Better."

The End is Near!

...or so said a sign written in magic marker on one of the many carboard boxes that belonged to a homeless man I saw this morning. He had a shopping cart filled with boxes, clothes, a lamp, and a rolly desk chair on top.

 

Suggestion: if the end is truly near, maybe you lighten your load a little. For starters, I know you've been holding out for that secretarial work but I think you can probably let the desk chair go. Hey, even if I'm wrong, most office work is on a, "You do the work, let US worry about the chair," sort of basis.

 

I saw a street lunatic earlier this week. He was having a conversation with a giant pile of blankets. But then he stopped to fix his hair. And I thought, "Way to pick your battles, sir." He senses he's not going to improve his situation all at once. He's got too much stacked against him, what with the homelessness, the total poverty, the hygiene and of course the insanity. But that doesn't mean you can't feel pretty.

A Haiku to Commemorate My Ten Thousandth Hit

Well, the hitcounter at the bottom of this page tells me that I've hit five figures on the page view counter (and it tells you that, too, if you would only listen. Oh, if you would only listen! But nay. to be continued...)

 

And that means that it's time to write a Haiku to let you know how I feel about it. That's how I roll, if you will. Will you? Gosh, I know I will.

 

On My Ten Thousandth

by Jeff Mac

 

my 10,000th hit

what an occasion for me

someone flick my ear*

 

*The meaning of this line has been argued by scholars for over one second. The true intention of the line is lost because the author wasn't paying close attention, even though he was writing it himself.

Karl Rove steps down!

Well, sort of.

 

I know the big news is about Scott McClellan resigning as press secretary, but Karl Rove is also changing his role in the administration. He's not quitting entirely, of course. But he is no longer going to be in charge of shaping White House policy. He said that while he enjoyed working with that side of things, he was happy to get back to his true calling, destroying the lives of people who get in his way.

Taxes Are Due

Well, your taxes are due by midnight tonight. It's a very stressful time, especially if you make more money than I did last year, I bet. Here are a few last-minute things to remember while you are preparing your taxes:

1. Before you begin a numbered list of things to tell people, you should really have thought of several items that might GO on such a list. Or even one.
2. Don't forget to claim your arms and legs as dependents. Where would they be without you? Nowhere, that's where. Frigging ingrates.
3. Deduct everything. And deduct it FROM everything. It's the only way. I don't really know what I mean.
4. If you smudge the ink on your tax forms, maybe they will make a mistake and refund all of your taxes! Maybe not, sure, but do you really want to take that chance? I know that I certainly don't want you to. Isn't it worth the fines and jailtime for a chance to do something that I've told you to do?
5. Always use an accountant, preferably one who is actually an accountant, and not just a kitty with a collar that says "accountant" on it.
6. When mailing your form, make sure to use standard, regulation mailboxes or post offices. Never simply throw your tax forms into the ocean, even at a moment when you are feeling especially "maily." I'm sure we've all been burned by this one, and it's not worth it.

I hope you are all enjoying our annual "How much do I owe you for those tax cuts for the rich?" ritual, and I hope you all get hammered this evening. Make sure you deduct any money that you spend tonight from your wallet.

Interesting Choices

I just saw a guy in a black leather vest and the worst toupee anyone has ever thought of. I think it was from the, "Oh Why Bother, You're Not Fooling Anyone" line. And he was dressed for, you know, work in a normal office. (I only bring that up because it's not like he was the mop boy at Flashdancers or something. If that were the case, don't change a thing. Sweet look, fella.)

 

I honestly think he could put the leather vest on his head and strap the toupee onto his back, and get away with it. Actually, I'd be interested to see how many more "Wow, you look GREAT today" compliments he gets.

 

(sigh) None of us get to wear jeans, meanwhile he gets to dress like a serial killer And nobody says anything. Well, not to his face, anyway.

Fixing Our Schools: The Bush Plan

Ok, it's hard to understand our President's plans sometimes. He's a complex thinker, and it's not always so easy to crack into that logic. But I'm here to help. Here's what I understand to be the Bush plan on education:

 

STEP 1: Give students standardized tests.

STEP 2: If they fail the tests, punish the schools by taking away their money.

STEP 3: Fearing budget cuts, everyone becomes a genius.

 

Now, at first glance, this might seem like telling a starving person, "Ok, you better start putting on some weight or I'm putting you on a diet, mister." But that is oversimplifying the issue to the point of, you know, truth.

 

The real issue is this: Teachers are lazy. They have grown content on their merely poverty-level salaries. In short, they have lost the eye of the tiger. We need to trim the fat out of those budgets to make room for younger, hungrier teachers who hum the theme from Rocky on the way to work.

 

You can see how this plan could be a total success in President Bush's mind. In a sense, the less learning our children absorb, the more presidential they will become.

See me on ComedyCentral.com! NOW!!!

Hey everybody. I taped an episode of Comedy Central's new standup show, "Live at Gotham" this weekend. It was pretty much one of the best days of my life, I have to tell you. The show doesn't air until the summer (June was the last I heard) but they've got a short clip of my set up there on their website.

 

Check it out HERE.

 

Ferret Alternative

Ok, if there's one issue that has been plaguing us all, day and night, it is the issue of whether or not a ferret is a proper pet. Obviously there are more issues, but this is definitely number one.

 

We need to reduce our dependence upon ferrets as pets. I know that only eleven people have them, but until that number reaches zero, I will pretend to care about this cause.

 

I would like to submit to you my opinion that rather than electing to buy a ferret as a pet, you would be served quite well by just buying a shovel.

 

3 Reasons Why a Shovel is a Better Pet than a Ferret:

• A shovel recognizes you when you come home at night. No? Well, guess what? Neither does a ferret. Sure, it might run up to you and bite your foot and then run away, sure. And I might be impressed by that level of 'affection' if the ferret didn't behave that way towards every object on the earth. He's not going, "Hey! It's that person I love!" He's thinking, "Hey -- a THING! I LOVE things!!! I will chew it/her/him!!!" Ferrets don't know who you are. Ferrets don't know who they are. All they know is that shiny is awesome.
• A shovel doesn't smell like a dead skunk that wiped its ass with an onion.
• You can use your shovel to dig a hole in which to bury ferrets. Convenient!

The Logic of the Dress Code

I know I've written about this before but, well, the tie is chafing me somthin' turrible today. And so, being the enlightened being that many of you have no reason to believe that I am not, I will now try to understand why business attire is required in an office.

 

Ok, let's say they lifted the dress code. You still have to do your job and look neat, but you can wear jeans and sneakers and such. Well, if you're wearing sneakers, you might get the urge to run somewhere. And we all know that criminals run places. Sometimes they do it before a crime, sometimes afterwards. Either way, you will have murdered someone. This will make meetings increasingly more difficult to schedule.

 

The jeans will turn you into a cowboy almost immediately. You will leap up on the fax table screaming, "Yeeeeeeeha!!!!" and you'll do a little step dancing. Now, at that point, what if a fax comes in. Everyone in the office will be so busy clapping and dancing and playing fiddles that they might miss that fax entirely. A sobering thought. So jeans are out.

 

And finally, the tie. Well, this one's obvious. If anyone from a rival company challenges you to a duel with fencing foils, your tie-less neck will be that much more vulnerable to injury, making you a serious insurance liability. Also, if you aren't wearing a tie, you might actually spend a moment of your day free of the thought that your job is choking the life out of you.

 

I hope that this has made you all feel much, much better about wearing office attire. Golly, I know it's changed my life forever and ever.

RAWR!!!!!

That's what I'd say if I were a lion with a blog. Hey folks, that's the way technology's going. I mean am I right, or am I right? Pretty soon, a LION on the SerenGETi will be able to EMAIL his prey and---

 

(We hear the unmistakable sounds of blogger being garrotted. Yeah, that's right - "unmistakable." The sound of a blogger being garrotted is very distinct from, say, an attorney being garrotted. Their necks have a very different consistency and the musicality of the kill is far more...sigh...look, the point is that the guy just had his head sawed off with piano wire. Why? Because that's how it is. Come on, baby, you know how I do.)

 

[We now hear the slightly more mistakable sounds of a blogger assassin being chloroformed. It doesn't happen as often so we might mistake these sounds for the ones made when a rhino doesn't understand a math problem. Or when a jaguar discards a handpuppet. All very similar to the human ear. These are sounds that --]

 

{An assassination noise commentator is beaten with an old IBM electric typewriter. Not a Smith Corona, you say? Don't even try it.}

 

No one. NO one has the slightest idea what this blog entry was about. Least of all me, your host, Jeff Mac.

 

~With that, we hear the sound of Jeff Mac hang gliding into a volcano only to realize at the last moment that lava is wicked hot.~

And Now, Introducing....

Ok, I'm in a panic trying to think of what I can have them say to introduce me on "Live @ Gotham" this Sunday. Here's what I'm working with so far.

• This next comic hails from Connecticut. And nobody gives a shit about that. Least of all him. Give it up for Jeff Mac!
• (alternate version) ...hails from CT, but he promises that he left the moment they let him.
• You might have seen this next comic...ahhhh....on this show? Or at his house if you were ever over there. He hangs out there all the time, actually. Jeff Mac, ladies and gentlemen!
• This next guy...he has a brain. Sometimes he uses it for good, sometimes for eville. Put your hands together for Mr. Jeff Mac.
• Here's a guy you could bring home to meet your family and trust that he won't say what he thinks of them until they're out of earshot! Jeff Mac!!!

Dear Unsatisfied Readers,

...or so I assume you must be with the almost total lack of blogularity here at the home of Jeff Mac. I have the same excuse I always have...ah...a feeble one? I've been wicked busy getting ready for my Gotham taping on 4/2, and I haven't been able to post nonsense on here. For this, I grieve.

 

Here are 5 reasons why I love you all:

1. You are reading this right now. If you're not reading this right now, well, I probably love you too. But at a distance, you understand. And I'm not saying I want ANY of you in my home.
2. You are all better than average looking (at least!) Don't ask me how I know this, but I do. Suffice it to say that my knowledge in this matter involves a Ouija board and frequent email contact with my familiar, a frog named Nicodaemus.
3. You all put out when the mood strikes you. And not in a slutty way. Well, not in a negatively charged slutty way.
4. You find the time for the art of self-love. This one is totally a guess. But it's a correct guess, so I think that should count.
5. You have staggeringly good taste. Almost embarrassingly good. Well, all except for you. No, YOU. Exactly.

I hope to become far less busy in the near future, at which time the nonsense will continue to flow like milk and honey in the land of same name. Which, by the way, sounds absolutely disgusting, for what that's worth.

 

-mac

Erin go Br--ohwillyoupleaseshutthehellup?

I was walking through midtown today, wishing I had superpowers and a bag of priceless diamonds, when I came across a giant crew of fratfolk, already drunk by noon, screaming at the tops of their lungs and jump-hugging one another. I was amazed at the sheer optimism that they were going to have THAT good a time just because it's St. Patrick's Day.

 

News flash: You're still, you know, YOU. You're just wearing more green than you usually do while sitting around getting hammered with your moron friends. And that little dude who no one ever pays any attention to is now being ignored while wearing a green Cat-in-the-Hat hat. We're not exactly through the looking glass, people.

 

Good luck to you, drunkies. I really hope you have as much fun as you seem to think you're going to. But unless you bump into Willy Wonka or Carmen Electra, my confidence is low. I'm thinking that it's just going to be more barfing and slut-hopping, but with a charming Irish brogue.

Abu Gharaib Closing Doors For Good! All Religion-based Humiliation Must Go!

Ok, so what? So we're closing Abu Gharaib? That doesn't mean we did anything "wrong" ok? Greatness is never fully appreciated until after it's gone. Like with Vincent van Gogh. He never sold a painting in his lifetime and look at him now!

 

Granted, Abu Gharaib prison never permanently redefined modern painting as we know it. But then again, van Gogh never hooked up a car battery to anybody's nuts. So let's just call it a draw.

Finally, a Meaty Role for Ice Cube

Well, it was announced that they are making a film version of the popular 1970's sitcom, Welcome Back Kotter, with rapper/actor Ice Cube in the title role made famous by Gabe Kaplan (who was the Ice Cube of his day.) I'm sure Kaplan must be excited to pass the torch to his logical successor.

 

In other news, they are doing a remake of Malcolm X and we've heard casting rumors about George Clooney, Rob Schneider, and of course, Gabe Kaplan who has an edge since Malcolm X often referred to himself as the Gabe Kaplan of his day.

Approval Ratings? They don't need no stinking Approval Ratings.

So Bush's numbers keep going down and down and down. They are lower than they have ever been. If this trend continues, he's either going to have to juggle chainsaws or marry the Fonz or something. I don't even know what that would entail, but I must admit that in either case he would actually go up in my estimation.

 

Then again, with me his numbers have nowhere to go BUT up. He could molest* a raccoon and it wouldn't lower my opinion of him.

 

 

*I only use that word because I'm assuming the raccoon in question would be under age. If the raccoon consents though, hell, roger the thing silly, Mr. President!

Remote Controlled Sharks? Check

Ok so the other day, DARPA -- I can't be bothered to look up what the acronym means, just think "mad scientists creating stuff with which to kill folk" -- have a project in the works for remote controlled sharks. Actual sharks that respond to electrical doodads. I'm ordering one as soon as I...uh...become the Secretary of Defense. (Hey, I can't be that much worse than Rumsfeld.)

 

I wonder if the guys who are designing regular killing equipment (guns, tanks, what have you) are jealous of those guys. I wonder if they think of them as the "Gallaghers" of the death-dealing technology world.

 

"Hacks. Getting all the press, making money from THAT? It's not about all the eye candy and fancy toys, you know. It's supposed to be about the killing. That's why I got into this business in the first place."

Jeff Mac to Appear on Comedy Central

Hello, my lovely chickens. Why 'chickens', you ask? Why not, I say.

 

Some of you have already heard about this (and some of you clever ones might have seen a reference to it over in the "see me live" section.) I'm going to be on Comedy Central! I mean, you read the subject line of this entry so it can't come as a complete shock. Calm down. Just breathe. Deep breaths. How many fingers am I holding up? No, I'm asking you, it's not a riddle. Hello? Call the coroner. That imaginary person just died of something.

 

Anyway, I found out last week that I will be on their new standup showcase called "Live at Gotham." The show tapes on April 2nd, and if you are in the city you should come on out and see the show! I'm assuming that the details can be found at http://www.gothamcomedyclub.com

 

If you are not able to come see that, keep watching this space and I'll warn you when it's going to air on Comedy Central. In case, you know, you live in Australia or Arkansas or something. Should be sometime this summer. And portions of it will be on their website even sooner. Yeeha!

First the Corn Palace, and now this?

I think people are misunderstanding South Dakota's governor's actions regarding the new anti-abortion bill he just signed. It's not about pro-life or Jesus or anything like that. It's just that someone in South Dakota finally realized that no one will ever move there, ever. If he didn't outlaw abortion, even babies wouldn't bother to go there.

 

Have you ever been to South Dakota? If not, let me draw you a picture. On second thought, I'll have YOU draw a picture. Take a blank, white piece of paper. Got it? Ok, that's South Dakota.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. Wall Drug is a fantastic world of doughnuts and ice water. Mount Rushmore has the distinct honor of being the only national landmark that is less impressive in person than it is on a postcard. And the Corn Palace, mentioned in the title of this post, well, that place speaks for itself. It's an arena covered in patriotic murals made out of different colored corn kernels? Seriously.

 

If they outlaw abortions in SD, they better outlaw one other thing: plane tickets out. Or else ain't nobody going to be left to man the Arby's.

Oscars Wrap Up

When will I ever learn? Why do I watch this show? It's like those 2 guys who watch the muppet show, but hate it every time. Except at least they got to watch the muppet show.

 

Sadly, as a comic, I watch in case somebody has a meltdown that I might find hilarious. (They did not. The closest was...oh...I don't know...when Lauren Bacall wasn't wearing her glasses and had a slightly dodgy time seeing the teleprompter clearly? Not exactly scandalous.)

 

Here's what I did learn.

• Phillip Seymour Hoffman watches NCAA basketball with his mom. So do I. Clearly that says to me that I am a great actor. Who knew? 
• I'm not a big fashion guy (you there, stop agreeing so loudly) but somebody needs to tell J-Lo's overachieving eyebrow plucker to take a couple of days off. Holy shit. And she might want to loosen that hairdo a little -- she looked like her face was going to snap and roll up like a window shade.
• Salma Hayek sounds like she is trying to lick everyone on the earth when she speaks. And for this service, I believe she should have won a special Oscar.
• When Ben Stiller was doing his greenscreen spoof and said, "This is blowing Steven Spielberg's mind!" you could read Spielberg's lips saying, "No it's not." Way to understand the joke, Steve.
• Please, Mr. Spielberg, still feel free to pay me a lot of money to do something, okay? I was just kidding!
• No, I wasn't. Unless he really IS reading this, in which case yes, yes I was.
• He's not reading this.
• I know.

Historic Nuke Agreement with India!

Bush met with India -- the entire country! -- and made what he is describing as a "historic" agreement about India's nukes.

 

So India is finally going to give up their nuclear weapons!

 

Nope.

 

Oookay, India has agreed to phase out their nuclear weapons over time!!!

 

Not really.

 

Ok, wait, I've got it. India has decided to continue to make nuclear weapons by the truckload, but they promise to feel really, really bad about it.

 

Pretty close. They basically agreed that India would keep making nukes. It would be like if someone was beating the shit out of their wife, and the couple made a historic agreement to keep doing it! Just not in secret anymore! Hurray!

 

Gosh, that really IS historic!

 

I know! Wait, who are you, other voice?

 

I have no idea.

Nuke Money is No Object!

North Korea says they made nuclear weapons, and are furious at allegations that they counterfeited money in order to pay for it. They not only want to get credit for making the bomb, but for being able to pay for it with their own money. God! Why doesn't anyone understand them?

 

You've got to respect them for that at least. I mean, everyone knows that a nuclear weapon hard-earned is a nuclear weapon cherished. I can only imagine that they are really going to take care of it. They won't leave it out in the rain or forget to clean it or anything.

 

They are going to bring it to bed with them every night. And before they go to sleep, they will kneel down at their bedside and pray, "God bless mama, and papa, and Stevie (even though he totally broke my glow-in-the-dark Milennium Falcon model), and my nuclear weapon. Please keep them all safe until I decide to hurl any or all of them at my enemies. Amen."

Favorite Spam Sender Name

Winner: Barry Manilow

 

Honorable Mention: Alejandro Flanagan

Every Civil War has a Silver Lining!

Ok, so Fox News was questioning whether an all-out civil war in Iraq might actually be a good thing. Now, normally I consider them to be functionally retarded shills for the administration, but in this case, well, they might just have something. Consider these 5 possible advantages of a total civil war in Iraq.

1. Charming blue/gray uniforms would add an air of gentility and decorum to the proceedings heretofore unseen.
2. Ken Burns will have another thing to talk about for 19 hours straight.
3. Years from now, Iraqi nerds will have something to re-enact to distract them from their inability to copulate.
4. New genre of romance novels based upon a Sunni soldier who is nursed back to health by an unrealistically buxom Shiite war widow. (And then he stones her to death for being buxom without a chaperone.)
5. Mint Juleps for everyone!

Let My (Suspected Terrorist) People Go!

The U.N. is saying that Bush must either bring the Guantanamo Bay prisoners to trial or he has to release them. Bush has said that not only will he release them, but in a gesture of good faith he has agreed to send them on an all expenses paid trip to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

 

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

Quick Valentine's Day Advice

I hope you're all enjoying that special time of year when we commemorate the day when St. Valentine was beaten to death in ancient Rome! (Yep, that's really what it is. Romantic, no?)

 

Here's a tip. If you're thinking of going to the Godiva Chocolate store on Valentine's Day, consider this equivalent alternative.

 

1. Buy a small pocket mirror. If you can't find one, you can use a store window or a bathroom mirror in a pinch.
2. Stand in front of your chosen reflective surface, facing it.
3. Extend the index finger of either hand (preferably your dominant hand for optimum efficiency) towards your reflection.
4. Laugh heartily.
5. For added fun, call yourself nasty names that indicate substandard intelligence.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Don't Blame Cheney

Look, I know that the Vice President shot his hunting buddy this weekend. And we can all make jokes about it, sure. But when you read the facts, it's clear that this guy was standing right between Cheney and a newborn kitten. So there's blame to go around. You can't just read the headlines and expect to get the whole story.

Seriously, the only reason he did it was that shooting this guy just happened to be the best way to lure Luke Skywalker to the cloud city.

Come on out and see me sometime!

Hey all! I just wanted to invite you to come out to the Bowery Poetry Club tonight (308 Bowery at Bleecker) at 10pm for HAPPY HAPPY TWO, the sequel to the wildly popular HAPPY HAPPY! It's going to be a really fun evening of comedy, music, and things unclassifiable -- all for a meager three bucks!

See you there!

-mac

So...it's a Cartoon, right?

There are ten people dead and many more injured because someone didn't like a cartoon about the prophet Mohammed. Listen, I'm all for being tolerant of other ways of thinking, but if your death-to-the-infidel-o-meter is set on CARTOON, maybe you want to dial it back a notch.

 

That's not even "an eye for an eye." That's "an eye for a drawing of an eye."

 

Even bin Laden's got to be out there going, "Guys, seriously, what did we say about picking our battles? I'm gonna need you to focus a little."

 

And they're going after random people, so any one of us could get croaked because somebody wasn't crazy about Garfield.

 

Not that I'm comparing the prophet Mohammed to Garfield. Although, they both do get into the craziest mixups! And they both love lasagna. But then, who doesn't?

No Animal/Human Hybrids?!

So, our president wants to ban animal/human hybrid clones. First, no jetpacks and now this?

 

Hey listen, Mr. President. I know that this entry into the State of the Union was probably the result of some icky dreams after the Island of Dr. Moreau came up on your Netflix cue (finally!). But I hate to break it to you -- science is not that interesting. I know that important science is important. That's why it has that name. But you need a posterchild with a little razzmatazz.

 

Be honest, if you were at a party with the guy who cured cancer on one side, and the guy who grafted his son's head onto a chipmunk on the other, who are you going to talk to, seriously? And who's going to be doing all the really interesting drinking?

 

Just think about it, ok? I need entertainment, and a baby with tentacles, antlers, and eyeballs on stalks just might do the trick.

Eve of Destruction

Well, tomorrow begins February, the most horrible monthof the year. It's boring, it's cold, it includes Valentine's Day. About the only good things you can say about it are that a.) there's a long weekend for President's Day, and b.) there are only 28 days in it.

 

Here are some tips on how to survive such a beastly month:

• BUY CANDY: Look they're selling it, people. In no other month can you buy a giant box of candy at any hour of the day or night and have people think that you are a romantic, and not just a person who is about to dismantle that giant box of candy, piece by waxy piece.
• GO TO BED: Go there early and often, and don't get up until you absolutely have to. This one is easy for me to remember because it is my advice for every other month as well. It is also written on my family crest in Latin.
• EXERCISE REGULARLY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh...oh, that was a good one. Oh wow. I needed that.
• PRETEND YOU LIVE IN COLONIAL NEW ENGLAND: Eat stew and put heated rocks in your bed at night? I'm not sure how this helps but what am I, the fucking surgeon general? Some of these are going to be stupid and ineffective and I can't be to blame for all of that. Look at the man in the mirror, ok?
• DON'T GET SO DEFENSIVE: Ok, I got a little huffy during that last one. I admit that. You think I'm afraid to admit that? Well, you're wrong. And probably not for the first time so don't look so smug. You make mistakes too.
• SERIOUSLY, STOP BEING SO DEFENSIVE: Listen, I know I got a little snippy, but pointing it out all the time really isn't helping, all right?
• TWO TIMES ISN'T "ALL THE TIME": You're right. No, you're right. Forget it.
• WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY?: Nothing. It's nothing. I just get a little touchy during this time of year.
• COME HERE. SHHHHH. SHHHHHHHHH: This is a little gross.
• AGREED.: Let's never fight again.

I hope this little guide has helped at least one person. And at most four.

Somebody Got Some Action!

I think one of my co-workers got laid. Normally a little tense, she is strutting and bopping, shucking and jiving her way around the office with a devil-may-care attitude that seems to say, "I am so awesome, I don't even know what to do with myself."

 

Good for you, office person! Even though your successful mating expedition has forced me to picture you naked -- something I never EVER wanted to have to do -- I feel that this can only be a positive step for you. I promise that I will get over any nausea, dyspepsia, vapors and/or creeps that I am currently experiencing. Probably by eating a doughnut.

 

That's how I get over just about everything these days. And it works. Lawdy lawdy does it ever! I highly recommend this miracle cure to anyone*.

 

*Probably not to diabetics. Although, if you think about it, a doughnut might very well help you "get over" your diabetes, in the sense that you won't be bothered by it anymore.

Meeting Cancelled??!!

Ok, listen. When you schedule a meeting at which you are going to explain my benefits to me for TWO WHOLE HOURS, and all I have to do is to sit there like a baby bird and take it all in, you had better keep that meeting! I was COUNTING on that time, sitting around with zero responsibility for two entire hours. See, now I'm going to have to do "work".

 

You know, I'm considering going anyway. Even though it's cancelled. I don't care if the woman who is running it isn't here. I don't mind. I don't mind in the least. I'll just sit there and imagine what my benefits are if need be.

 

I'm hoping that one of my imaginary benefits is enrollment in the "Bears on Stairs" program. It's like "Meals on Wheels," except if you qualify, they just release a bear into the stairwell of your building. But only if you qualify. Fingers crossed everybody!

In the Bullpen

Well, I was moved from "my" office into my permanent workspace -- a desk with 3 other people in a big room where we all work within 10 feet of each other. It might actually be quieter in here than it was when I was alone if that's possible.

 

The good news is this: there is a window. With real light. From the actual sun! I forgot they had that. I hadn't really noticed it, but my former office would have been exactly as comfortable to me had I been Dracula. Except I'm not sure if the cape might be overkill on the business attire.

 

Now THAT's something I should try: bust the dress code in the other direction. Come to work every day in tails, white gloves, and a top hat. I would argue that, "Hey, if I can use a keyboard and mouse better wearing a tie, just THINK how awesome I'll be in my solid gold cravat!"

 

God I hate working. It goes against everything for which I stand. Isn't this why we fought the American Revolution! Stop making me go to work you limey bastards!*

 

*I don't work with or for any British people, so I guess there goes my theory.

Assisted Suicide Legal Again! (In Oregon!)

Well, the Bush administration was handed a stinging defeat (or at least that's what Yahoo told me) when the Supreme Court said that folks in Oregon who wanted to kill themselves could do it.

 

I feel bad for the President. I mean, if he can't force people to stay alive when they don't want to, what is he supposed to do? I guess the only thing left is killing some more of the people who would rather not die at the moment.

 

Apparently it's only fun killing somebody if they don't want to be dead. I think that was an old Gershwin tune...

2 Week Retrospective on the Transit Strike

Here's the truth about walking 12 miles a day for 3 days. It wasn't that bad, plus I now know that if I ever accidentally have children and can't find a solution to that (i.e take my own life, fake my death, etc.) I'll have a ready-to-tell boring story about that time one year I had to walk real far. So I'll just file that away into the, "In case of children break glass" case that I have installed in my apartment. (The other contents of the case are Bill Cosby's book on fatherhood, a bottle of bourbon, and a sniper rifle.)

Holiday Post Mortem

Ok, here are some things I have learned about the holidays. Well, one thing really. Ready? Gosh I know I am. Here we go:

 

I hate the holidays just like everybody else.

 

I really thought I was refreshingly unique in my total indifference to the holidays. And apparently I thought it was just some weird coincidence that I get fucking furious sometime near the 3rd week of December every single year.

 

I can't say I'm not a little disappointed that I can't just shake it off. I mean, hating the holidays? So cliche! I'm down here with all of YOU people. But next year I'll be more prepared. And I'm never leaving my apartment again. Never get out of the boat, or else you run into a fucking tiger while looking for mangoes. That's just the way it works. If you're in 'Nam. Which I am, people. In a very, very roundabout way.

Happy Birthday, Blog!!!

Well, I just checked and it's my Blog's birthday! Aww...uh...I don't know what you say about a one-year-old. Not, "they grow up so fast" I don't think. Too early. And if I had an actual one-year-old I would be more likely to think something like, "Uh, when is this thing going to grow UP already?" Or, "So...are we 100% sure this kid is mine?" That and, "I wonder how hard it is to fake one's own death..."

 

I'm not saying that all children are little a-holes. But, like adults, I'd bet you that most of them are. I know I was one. And I'm awesome. Can you imagine how much crappier it gets than me? And I was an infuriating child.

 

Anywhoo, I just want to say that I appreciate all of you coming out and reading this bizarre compendium of nonsensia to the tune of almost 8,000 times. Considering the fact that I am lazy and don't really advertise even to my friends, that's so cool of you all to stop by. And to that one person in Finland, thanks to you especially. I can't imagine that I addressed your needs, but I'll do what I can.

 

In my second year as a blogger, I promise to be as lazy and shiftless as I was last year. I will try to make more references to doctors popping out of sandwiches and punching the sandwich eaters in the crotch. I will fail, but I will try. And I will continue to mean well.

 

I love you all.

 

-mac

SHOW AT SOUTHPAW TONIGHT at 9pm!!!

Hey everybody! I'm hosting a show at Southpaw tonight. My friend and comedy colleague, Pat O'Shea, is recording a CD tonight, and to help him get the crowd all roused and riled, I'll be hosting the show along with special guests Brian Kiley (writer for Conan O'Brien) and Rena Zager (Comedy Central's Premium Blend). It's only 5 bucks and the details are over at the right of your screen.

 

And if you've never been to Southpaw, it is a great Brooklyn indie rock venue. Why, you might ask, was I invited to perform at a hip indie rock venue? Well, smarty pants, I'm not sure I care for the tone of the question.

 

Come on down and see me overcome my winter cold with hilarity!

Not all over the map?

Hey! I was just compulsively checking the map of the hits I'm getting on this website (scroll all the way down to the bottom to see it yourself) and some of them have disappeared. My Aussie connections are gone. So is the one in South America. What gives? Did they look at the website and then, several weeks later, take it back? There's no backsies on the WWW, people. If you come here, you are stained forever. That's just how it works.

 

P.S. If anybody knows anybody in Greenland with a computer, have them stop by the site. I'd sure love to see their blip on my screen. If you know what I mean.

Happy New Year!

Hey everyone. Well, it's that special time of year when we pretend to be JUST about ready to change our lives for the better. That's right, it's time for New Year's Resolutions! And I, Jeff Mac, am here to help. Here are my guidelines on setting and keeping New Year's Resolutions that have worked for me every year, except for the fact that I haven't made them up yet. But I bet they're going to be just socko. Here we go!

• COVER YOUR BASES: It's important not to set yourself up for failure. But since you're going to anyway, here's a fun way to feel at least half good. Create conflicting resolutions. For example, one of my resolutions might be to exercise more, but I also make one to exercise LESS often. This way you're a winner no matter what!
• HITCH YOUR WAGON TO A STAR: A lot of people suggest that you create goals that are not too intimidating. I say set goals that are not only intimidating, they are completely impossible. In fact, I would suggest coming up with goals that are SO overwhelming and intimidating that they actually make you pee every time you think of them. I don't know how this will help you but I think it sounds like a lot of fun.
• BABY STEPS: This one isn't about making smaller, more attainable goals. Save that shit for Dr. Phil. I'm actually suggesting that you step on babies. It makes you feel powerful, plus it really takes the wind out of any guilt you might feel over, say, eating every cookie in your house at one sitting. I mean that's bad, but compared to the fact that you've been stepping on babies, it looks comparatively benign.

If you will just follow my 3 simple steps I will be sure to enjoy the New Year.

All over the map

If you are either a.) compulsive, b.) weird, or c.) both (see "me") you might have noticed something new at the very bottom of this blog. There is a little map. It's a hit counter that tells me what part of the world you're in. For instance, I can see that I've had 3 different locations in Australia, of which only one can I account for. I'm known in two Scandanavian countries. And here and there around America. Welcome, weirdos!

Several points:

• Canada and Alaska: where you at? I will try to address your foolishness needs more effectively in the coming months, but I think you need to meet me halfway. So stop by, and just know that I am developing a bit about dried caribou meat that I think you might find interesting.
• Europe: What's up with you folks? I'm looking at just a couple of hits from Sweden and Finland, period. This leads me to believe that in order to "get" me, you have to be either severely depressed, an alcoholic, or a member of ABBA. And lord knows, I hope you're all three!
• Greenland: Does anybody live on you? And if so, are they so friggin' busy that they can't stop by? I don't know if you've been keeping up with your local news but if not, well, that's because there isn't any. You live in Greenland. Embrace how bored you must be and stop by. Ditto for any Antarctic science outpost dwellers. Take a short break from whacking off and/or battling space aliens who you have accidentally uncovered long buried in the ice and stop in, won't you?
• Africa: I know that for most of you, your life is a lot harder than mine probably. But there must be some sort of oppressor/overlord/warlord with a T1 connection somewhere out there. I certainly don't condone his/her behavior, but by god I will accept his/her attention. I'm trying to fill up the map here people. Help me out.

Now, I'm pretty aware that if these folks haven't stopped by they can't read my suggestion that they do so. And I'm also aware that if they ARE reading my suggestion to stop by, said suggestion ceased to apply to them in that moment. I'm well aware of the potential logic problems inherent in a post such as this. Do I care? Honestly, kind of. It bothers me a little. But it's nothing that eating another hundred Christmas cookies can't cure.

Open Letters re: the transit strike.

Dear People Walking in Front of me, Drifting Aimlessly to and fro on the narrow footpath on the Brooklyn Bridge,

 

Cut the shit. I'm trying to, you know, get someplace. Seriously. I'll knife you in your sleep.

 

Love,

 

-mac

 

************

Dear Brooklyn Borough President, Marty Markowitz,

 

Thank you so much for greeting all Brooklynites on the Brooklyn Bridge. My friend, Nicole, has a giant crush on you and I bet she wouldn't even mind the massive boogers you had all over your face. Hey, it was cold out there! Who wouldn't understand that? Keep up the good work, whatever it is that you do, Marty. We Brooklynites love the shit out of you.

 

-mac

 

*************

 

Dear Lady Whose Hat Had It's Own Beaded Dreadlocks Attached To It,

 

Wow. What an interesting choice. Somewhere between "member of the yaya sisterhood on vacation in Jamaica" and "Predator's head tubes". Keep that going. I needed that.

 

-mac

 

**********************

 

Dear Dog Poop The Color of Baby Aspirin,

 

Oh boy, what did your canine creator EAT, my friend? It can't have been healthy, is all I'm saying.

 

Concerned,

 

-mac

Things the Transit Strike has Taught Me

Ok, it's day two of me walking 90 minutes each way to and from work. I've learned a lot of things. Well, not many things. Hardly any things. But I find that if I start telling someone all the things I've learned, I'm generally more than able to BS my way through it. Here we go:

• 90 minutes is a long time. And it's even longer the second time that day.
• It's hard to feel bad for the transit workers when one of their complaints is about moving their pension from age 55 to 62. Yeah, uh, I don't get a pension when I'm a hundred and eleven. Cops get a pension because they get shot at. You drive a choo choo. Get back to work before I die of tired.
• When they tell you that the minimum operating temperature for an iPod is 32 degrees, they actually mean it. There is no Brooklyn Bridge exemption for that rule either. And I, for one, was disappointed. How am I supposed to be jaunty on my way to work when my tuneage cuts out right in the middle of the first act of HMS Pinafore? Uh...I mean...DMX. The first act of DMX Pinafore.
• If you haven't washed your tub in a long time (or, oh, let's say "ever") you can absolutely still take a bath. If you're tired and footsore enough, you won't mind the water's hue in the least.

Holiday Crap

I'm not even being metaphorical. I would like to talk about dung and/or manure around the Christian holy days. I hadn't intended to, but as soon as I wrote that subject heading, it's all I could think about. And it occurs to me that I NEVER get to talk about that stuff. Almost never. It just doesn't come up. I blame the people with whom I converse. What, you people can't bring it up even once? Like:

 

"Hey, where are you spending Christmas? Will you be near any poo?"

 

Or:

 

"Boy, I hope my grandmother doesn't make that pecan pie like she did last year. it was delicious, but it was just too heavy. And also, what are your thoughts on manure during this yuletide?"

 

I don't think it's too much to ask, folks. It's called common courtesy. Look it up.

No Secret Santa

So I just declined to enter the office Secret Santa...I was going to say "competition," but that can't be right. Unless it's a competition for the most awkward and uncomfortable exchange of gifts, in which case I think it totally wins.

 

Look, if something's going to be secret, shouldn't it also be shameful. I know, I know, Secret Santa IS shameful. But it's not trying to be so I don't think it counts. In my homeland of Connecticut we know shame like douchebags know wine vintages (sorry, fans of "Sideways" but if you met that guy in real life you'd get real bored, real fast.)

 

The point is this: If they had an office...again, not competition but...activity? Timewaster? If they had an office whatever called Shameful Santa, I'd join immediately. In a way, I'm already enrolled in that one. Shame is a gift that I give myself. I give it each and every day.

 

I will say that I am THRILLED to have turned down Secret Santa for the first time. At another point in my life I would have just signed up and spent the next week and a half dreading the dual terrors of giving something stupid to a stranger AND pretending to LIKE something stupid received from a stranger. But this year I am just looking forward to hearing whispers of "Here comes Mr. Anti-social" as I walk past the watercooler.

 

I'm just kidding -- I almost never walk PAST the watercooler. Most of my day is spent walking TO or FROM it to pass the time, or to the bathroom to take all of the watercooler water and release it back into the wild. Good bye, pee (nee' watercooler water.) I'll catch you later.

 

I'm losing it, people.

Ooops...

At my job yesterday, I accidentally cared. It was just for a short while but it was pretty unnerving nonetheless. Especially for someone such as myself who, you know, doesn't. Care, that is. I doesn't.

 

But I also don't want to look like an idiot. Even if I am one, I don't want to LOOK like one. (That's the Connecticut way. It's on our license plates.) And I sensed that I was about to look like a real moron. And so I - accidentally I'm saying - cared for a second. I was upset by the fact that this thing that I don't really understand wasn't working the way that I half thought it sort of should have been working. I'm not sure what it did, or what I did TO it.

 

This is my job. I do things that I don't understand to computer programs that I don't understand. And they pay me and give me sandwiches once in awhile. It works, ok?

 

I got over the caring. And I did it by going home and watching Sigourney Weaver slaughter aliens in her cryptically titled film, Aliens. I bet those Aliens care about their job. Fucking shit up and bleeding acid. That's their job. And they do it with aplomb. I rarely do things with aplomb, but I have aplombish aspirations. And I mean well.

 

Good night, ladies. Oh, and come see me at the Comedy BBQ tonight (details at the left.) Should be a fun one.

Important Meeting!

So I had to go to an informal lunch thing with the CEO of the company I'm working for. The idea was that he would explain where the company is headed to peons such as myself who are only there because someone made us go. But there were sandwiches. The sandwiches held me while I wept.

 

As he spoke about fiscal this and diversify that (to a roomful of people who just, you know, WORK here) and used 140 acronyms for things I didn't know about even had he used their unabridged names, all I could hear was, "The market has been really SANDWICH for the last few fiscal SANDWICHES. And I feel like our only route, especially with the SANDWICH server and the SANDWICH at SANDWICH hospital, we have to look to the POTATO CHIPS or we're going to have to FREE SODA," etc.

 

My greatest fears from kindergarten came back to me immediately. I was terrified that at some point he would say, "Jeff, what do you think about all of this?" Because the answer is 'sandwich.' I think sandwich.

So Close...

Last night, for the first time, I finished a novel written entirely in French. I was so pleased. But as it turns out it was in fact written entirely in French dressing.

 

It was still pretty cool I guess.

Congratulations, America!

Well, last week we celebrated our 1,000th execution! Well, of the "modern era." Wait, what does that mean? Oh, that's the past 3 years. Wow. They've been killing folks at almost exactly the rate and frequency at which I touch myself in an impure manner. I can't help but to feel that there must be a correlation. I hope I'm not responsible for the whole thing. That would be so embarrassing. More embarrassing than talking about whacking off on a public internet site with my picture on there and everything? Sure.

 

FYI - The thousandth guy was a murderer who had killed his estranged wife. And not for nothing, but I think maybe once you murder sombody you should probably get upgraded from "estranged". Seems a little dainty for that level of intimacy.

 

I wonder if the guards threw him a little party for being their 1000th customer? The least they could have done would be to have confetti pop out when they threw the switch. You know, something festive to celebrate the occasion.

Happy Thwart Jeff Mac Day!

I hope you are all having a lot of fun at my expense today, you bastards. Slowing down my train. Sending microwaves into my brain to make me almost go to work without my tie on. Walking in front of me so slowly that surely you must be getting some sort of cash for annoying me. How do they reimburse you for that? Is it by the voltage generated in my brain as you waddle up the subway steps holding BOTH handrails? Do you get a check, or do you get a voucher that you can use at the Thwart Jeff Mac store where you can buy car alarms, puffy coats that I can't navigate around, and cellphones that require you to scream in order to be heard?

 

I need a nap. One that lasts until I'm accidentally rich and never have to leave my home again. I love my home. And the second I'm rich, I'm totally going to become a reclusive mad scientist. Well, maybe not a scientist. I know all about how you have to have some background in "science" or "the sciences" to get that kind of a gig. But I'll go mad, though. I'll tell you that much. And I'll be wicked reclusive. Oh, it's gonna be so awesome.

 

"Wicked" and "Awesome" together again. I can hardly wait.