Happy New Year!

Hey everyone. Well, it's that special time of year when we pretend to be JUST about ready to change our lives for the better. That's right, it's time for New Year's Resolutions! And I, Jeff Mac, am here to help. Here are my guidelines on setting and keeping New Year's Resolutions that have worked for me every year, except for the fact that I haven't made them up yet. But I bet they're going to be just socko. Here we go!

• COVER YOUR BASES: It's important not to set yourself up for failure. But since you're going to anyway, here's a fun way to feel at least half good. Create conflicting resolutions. For example, one of my resolutions might be to exercise more, but I also make one to exercise LESS often. This way you're a winner no matter what!
• HITCH YOUR WAGON TO A STAR: A lot of people suggest that you create goals that are not too intimidating. I say set goals that are not only intimidating, they are completely impossible. In fact, I would suggest coming up with goals that are SO overwhelming and intimidating that they actually make you pee every time you think of them. I don't know how this will help you but I think it sounds like a lot of fun.
• BABY STEPS: This one isn't about making smaller, more attainable goals. Save that shit for Dr. Phil. I'm actually suggesting that you step on babies. It makes you feel powerful, plus it really takes the wind out of any guilt you might feel over, say, eating every cookie in your house at one sitting. I mean that's bad, but compared to the fact that you've been stepping on babies, it looks comparatively benign.

If you will just follow my 3 simple steps I will be sure to enjoy the New Year.