Well, last week we celebrated our 1,000th execution! Well, of the "modern era." Wait, what does that mean? Oh, that's the past 3 years. Wow. They've been killing folks at almost exactly the rate and frequency at which I touch myself in an impure manner. I can't help but to feel that there must be a correlation. I hope I'm not responsible for the whole thing. That would be so embarrassing. More embarrassing than talking about whacking off on a public internet site with my picture on there and everything? Sure.
FYI - The thousandth guy was a murderer who had killed his estranged wife. And not for nothing, but I think maybe once you murder sombody you should probably get upgraded from "estranged". Seems a little dainty for that level of intimacy.
I wonder if the guards threw him a little party for being their 1000th customer? The least they could have done would be to have confetti pop out when they threw the switch. You know, something festive to celebrate the occasion.
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