Eve of Destruction

Well, tomorrow begins February, the most horrible monthof the year. It's boring, it's cold, it includes Valentine's Day. About the only good things you can say about it are that a.) there's a long weekend for President's Day, and b.) there are only 28 days in it.

 

Here are some tips on how to survive such a beastly month:

• BUY CANDY: Look they're selling it, people. In no other month can you buy a giant box of candy at any hour of the day or night and have people think that you are a romantic, and not just a person who is about to dismantle that giant box of candy, piece by waxy piece.
• GO TO BED: Go there early and often, and don't get up until you absolutely have to. This one is easy for me to remember because it is my advice for every other month as well. It is also written on my family crest in Latin.
• EXERCISE REGULARLY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh...oh, that was a good one. Oh wow. I needed that.
• PRETEND YOU LIVE IN COLONIAL NEW ENGLAND: Eat stew and put heated rocks in your bed at night? I'm not sure how this helps but what am I, the fucking surgeon general? Some of these are going to be stupid and ineffective and I can't be to blame for all of that. Look at the man in the mirror, ok?
• DON'T GET SO DEFENSIVE: Ok, I got a little huffy during that last one. I admit that. You think I'm afraid to admit that? Well, you're wrong. And probably not for the first time so don't look so smug. You make mistakes too.
• SERIOUSLY, STOP BEING SO DEFENSIVE: Listen, I know I got a little snippy, but pointing it out all the time really isn't helping, all right?
• TWO TIMES ISN'T "ALL THE TIME": You're right. No, you're right. Forget it.
• WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY?: Nothing. It's nothing. I just get a little touchy during this time of year.
• COME HERE. SHHHHH. SHHHHHHHHH: This is a little gross.
• AGREED.: Let's never fight again.

I hope this little guide has helped at least one person. And at most four.