How to be Beaten by the Heat

Hello out there. No, you. Yes, y--...no, no, no. I'm talking to YOU. Right.

Hi.

My brains are addled and fried. I spent last night without air conditioning. Now, before you call me a wussy and say that I've had it too easy for too long, I'm way ahead of you. And you're right. And that's my point. I wasn't made for hard times. I'm just a pasty, doughy white man, trying to get by on my mediocre looks, and all the advantages that society likes to throw at such ethnic pieces of white toast with mayonnaise.

But it was hot. So hot. But I think that I found several good ways to beat the heat if you have no air conditioning:

1. First of all, you must immediately forget your firm resolution never to begin a numbered list until you have considered what you are going to put on the list. In apocalyptic inferno weather, that won't help you in the least.
2. Pretend that the sensation you're experiencing is you pouring acid onto your genitals. You might find yourself thinking, "You know, this is uncomfortable and all, and I am feeling a little woozy, but I have to say, I'm kind of relieved to notice that it's not THAT bad."
3. Refuse to drink any fluids. Why? Because that's just what they want you to do.
4. Buy the best fan you can find. Then, just throw that stupid thing away. It's not going to help you. It would be like wearing sunglasses while on the sun. Mm. Not a LOT like that. But enough like it that I'm going to move onto number 5, whatever it is.
5. Do double shots of sunscreen. It won't help keep you cool, but it might put you in the hospital and I'm almost positive they have air conditioning.

See you on the field of Armageddon!