10.27.2005

Jeff Mac Explains the Universe to You

Why, hello! I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting anyone, but I'm sure glad you stopped by. I've got a tale that will turn you as white as a Jeff Mac. It's about a little something called...the World. Come on along, won't you? No? Seriously? Oh, you were just screwing with me, huh? Right, right. Yeah, no, that was hilarious. Very...amusing. Ahem. Let's move on, shall we?
  • The Big Bang: First, the universe was very, very small. Then it blew up. And now it's really, really expensive to live in. And lots of times it really sucks. Although, every once in awhile you have the kind of a day that...yeah, but mostly it pretty well sucks.
  • Evolution vs. Intelligent Design: This is a very popular debate right now amongst politicians, rubes, and exasperated scientists who have actually been looking into the whole thing for quite some time. Here it is in a nutshell. The evolutionists believe that life occurred somewhat randomly at the start and then gradually, through the process of "natural selection"...Ok, here's the real deal. The evolutionists went to school, the other guys are big, big dummies whose only qualifications are that they have really great imaginations. I report, you decide.
  • The Pyramids of Egypt: Are these things still interesting to people? Yeah, they were really, really big. I get it. Everyone, seriously, get over it. When you've got a bazillion slaves rolling giant blocks around all day long until they drop dead, you'd be surprised at the stuff you can get done. (Homework: try this yourself at home!)
  • The Grand Canyon: Churchy types believe that this was created in a couple of minutes during the great flood in which two of every single animal on earth was on a boat. Scientists believe it's a big hole. Winner: big hole.
  • The Collective Unconscious: This was an idea created by famous shrink, Carl Jung. It's been quite some time since I've read it, but it's essentially that we're all connected to some kind of an indoor, olympic sized pool of intelligence. Sounds hilarious. I'm totally in.

Now, I have not claimed to be an expert in any of these fields. Until right now. I am an expert in any of these fields. Good night.

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