America's Next Bottom-tier Model

This weekend, I entered and won a mock beauty pageant. It felt so good to be rewarded for all of my mock beauty and to be named the current reigning, "Mr. Lower East Side." What does that mean to you, the small child viewing at home in your footie pajamas? Well, it could add a little gravitas to the proceedings around here.

For example, if your boss catches you reading this at work and says, "Why are you reading this douchebag's blog instead of working?" you might want to try this out.

"Uh, hello? That douchebag just happens to be Mr. Lower East Side 2005-2006. You might want to check your tone, you colossal a-hole. Get back in your office before I smack your little bottom for you. Would you like that? You'd love that, wouldn't you? If I just spanked you mercilessly in front of all of your employees until you wept gentle tears? Well just maintain that stupid look on your face, daddio*, and your dreams will all come true."

And when you are then fired for insubordination/moral turpitude (a la Kim Catrall's character in Porky's, in the days of yore) we can go and get a cup of coffee and you will feel so relieved that you are no longer working for a buttpipe like that guy. Or lady. That's called "gender diversity" people. Look it up. It's very big with the kids today.


*Throw this term from the beatnik 50's in there for spice. If your boss is female, you can try Mommio, but it is highly unorthodox. Or at least midly unorthodox.