The Glory Days

Pornographic magazines these days have such crass titles. No, don't argue with me. No, I'm serious. It's really true if you think about it. Just give my hypothesis a CHANCE before you dismiss it completely, won't you? Won't you, for at least ONE second, consider the POSSIBILITY that pornographic magazine titles are slightly uncouth? Thank you. Thank you for being reasonable. And for being flexible enough to accept a viewpoint other than your own. I hope you've learned something. I know that I have.

There was a time, people. Oh, there was a time. There sure was. I've forgotten what I was talking about, and am now just vamping. Oh right! Porno mag titles. There were plenty of times in history when the process of naming your pornography was a job filled with honor, truth, justice, and the American way. Sure there was.

Consider the Civil War era quarterly, "Brother Against Brother." Clever, classy, and reflective of the news of the day. Stonewall Jackson was known to pose twice a year for this publication. Can you imagine his rebuff to a similar request from "Semi-legal Hillside Hump"?

How about the one time prestige publishing of "The Boston Pee Party"? That one gave King George something to think about, I can assure you.

In exchange for food and shelter, Cristopher Columbus himself presented several important pieces of leatherbound erotica to the Native Americans, including most notably "The Ninnies, the Penie and the Pantsless Maria," which he was reported to have penned himself during the long months at sea. Some of the articles had to be explained to the chief, but after seeing the pictures he got the basic idea.

And other cheap wordplay as well!