Miscellaneous advice

1. If HBO comes to you and says, "Hey, we've got a documentary series and we'd like to film you doing what you do," here's how you should respond. One, politely refuse. Two, stop it. Whatever it is that HBO wants to film you doing, you've got to cut that shit out. It's not doing anybody any good.
2. If you're a stupid president, here's my advice. Ok. let me back up. I don't know for sure that he's stupid. He may be a genius with an image problem. Sure he might. But if you are the allegedly demi-retarded guy who said you would "bring dignity back to the oval office," I think it would be a good idea to stop BY the oval office once in awhile. The sticks in your backyard will keep, I promise.
3. Don't go onstage and attempt to do comedy that you haven't written yet. (That one's for me.)
4. Don't try to make me like anchovies. I promise, it's not because I haven't tried them with an open mind. I really tried. They just blow.
5. If you're seriously overweight and think that doughnuts are perfectly reasonable food, don't become my college nutrition teacher. It's just not your bag.