Desperate Measures

Because of the current geopolitical climate, we are not as safe as we once were. I am therefore suggesting this feeble premise...ah...I mean, this innovative idea for improving law enforcement. Here are just some of the enhancements that I am proposing:

• Each New York City police officer will be armed with his standard issue sidearm, mace, the beat-you-over-the-head baton, a flaming baton for impromptu halftime shows, 3 novelty shop grenades because they look cool, and a 50 megaton suitcase nuke to be detonated at the first sign of trouble. This way, the terrorists know we're serious.
• The president will wear one of those belts where the buckle is a ninja star. This is not so much for his safety, but for the look of delight on his face when he unwraps it on Christmas morning. He's wanted one of these for so long. And he hasn't started a new war in a good couple of years. I think he's earned it.
• We will outlaw guns, but to ease the sadness at losing your firearms, we will give a bullwhip to anyone who wants one. I've got to think this will really spice up the news. We're all so numb to hearing about wild shootouts, but 50 man bullwhip fights are still fresh. I'm not sure how this makes us safer. I'll have to get back to you.

These are just a few of the many things I might waste time thinking of. I would really like to be invited to be a part of a national defense think tank. I think I might enjoy working in a tank.