America's Next Top Model Recap

Well, it's time once again for my weekly recap of events on America's Next Top Model. It is still my favorite reality-based programming, because of all the crying. So, without further ado, here's the recap.

Tears of Joy/Relief: ONE - This is low, but there were only a couple of girls who were in position to feel this way. I don't feel terrible about it.

Tears of Sadness/Frustration: TEN - Out of eleven girls, ten cries? I could hardly hope for more. Although don't be fooled - most of the crying was one girl. Which brings me to…

Flesh-eating Bacteria: ONE - Not a big number, but it's more than you could reasonably expect. Sure, it turned out to be only impetigo (which was my guess several minutes before the diagnosis, thank you), but in addition to the Godzilla movie music that they played underneath a couple of shots of the disease, it led to a bunch of idiots running around suggesting such gems as:

• You can get pneumonia from that, and die from the pneumonia.
• Does someone know voodoo in the house?
• She might have leprosy.
  

Astonishingly Unconvincing Age Makeup: ONE - The guy they always see at the beginning of every challenge showed up in an age makeup job that I haven't seen since I did Agatha Christie's "Witness for the Prosecution" at age 17. And the girls were totally fooled. Fantastic.

Crickets Sound Effect: ONE - The girls were asked what "haute couture" meant, and none of them spoke up. The sound editor kicked in with this classic comedy standby. Nicely done.

Lightning Round: ONE - All the girls had to put on makeup while timed. In one instance, they had no mirror. It was just like when the Navy SEALs have to assemble an M16 blindfolded in the rain.

Quote of the Week: "You look like a toasted Miss Piggy on crack." I don't usually care for the 'on crack' tag, it's a little hack. But 'toasted Miss Piggy' makes up for it nicely.

What I'm Looking Forward To Next Week: Well, it's hard for me to say. The models will be hosed down, which might be fun. One of the girls (who has often been accused by the judges of being too porny) will get hammered and moon someone by pressing her butt cheeks against the window of the van. My step-brother did that once in Tennessee on a family van trip when I was a kid. Changed my life, man.