Satan's Flu, day 10

If you have been paying attention, you might have heard that there is an awful bug going around. (And if you are paying attention really closely, you'll remember that there has never been a time in your life when one hasn't been. Have you ever been sick and had someone say, "Wow, no one else is sick right now. You're the only one!")

Here are some of the symptoms to watch out for in this season's offering:

• FEVER: This is the part where you are sitting on your radiator, freezing AND sweating, wearing a winter hat and flannel pajamas with snowmen on them. Or maybe you just think you are. You're delirious. At this stage, you should drink water, lie down, and try not to mind the barfing.
• HEADACHE: This part was really fun. It was during this stage when I actually had the thought, "I can't imagine something that feels like this, but wouldn't kill me. In fact, this had better kill me. I'd hate to be feeling all this excruciating pain for nothing."
• LOSS OF APPETITE: Good news - you'll finally have those 6 pack abs. Bad news, you'll be too weak to open your eyes and admire them.
• SORE THROAT: This stage feels like you've got half a Dorito stuck in your neck somewhere, and swallowing makes the corners stab you.
• COUGH: Remember what it was like to sleep through the night? No? Me neither. Any time you take a deep breath, you will cough uncontrollably, so it's important to try not to breathe.
• ONE RED EYEBALL: This one threw me a little. Apparently, you can cough so much or so hard that the blood vessels in your eyeballs can burst. Looks like pinkeye, but not contagious. Just hideous. Who knew? So, I basically blew out my eyeball. Just one. I guess I cough to the right.

I wish you all luck. I sincerely hope that none of you get this. Unless, of course, there were some sort of a pact with the devil that I could make whereby I could be healed by giving it to you. In that case, I'd sell you out in a second.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to make my 4,000th cup of tea in a week and a half. I thank you.