Keep Your Eyes Peeled, Optimists...

Hello there, to all you optimists who are still checking this space. In the very near future, I'm going to be launching a new website with a whole slew of hilarity. It's related to a manuscript that I'm currently working on selling with my new literary agent! I'll make sure that anything I set up will be linked here.

Stay tuned......

P.S. If you see a Little Debbie commercial featuring roller skating donuts, one of the voices is ME! Also, watch for a Comcast commercial in which I am wearing a fatsuit!!!!!

Cat Crimes!

That is the name of the book that I saw at Barnes & Noble. $4.98. It's a compilation of mysteries that somehow involve cats. I think the subtitle might have been: "Lonely lady -- Hello." Genius marketing concept, though. Combining the vicarious excitement of a crime story with the common housecat -- the accessory of the loveless. Brilliant. If they can somehow cram knitting* in there somewhere, they've hit the 19th century spinster hat trick.

I think the last 20 pages was all recipies for single-serving meals.

*I know that knitting has become a hipster irony thing, but you're not fooling me, hipster ladies, with your, "I'm so sexy, I can do something as grandmotherly as knit, and you STILL want this booty." Whether or not I DO still want it is immaterial. I hereby rescind my desire for that booty retroactively.

Dear Johnny Five-Flush,

How are you? I am just fine.

No, wait. Let's go back to, "How are you?" as I think it addresses my main concern -- your health. Now, I don't want to get into any specifics with you as to why you felt that five flushes were necessary. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one that five was right on the money. In fact, I'm begging you to allow me to give you the benefit of the doubt, if that means that I never, EVER, know more about what happened in there than I do right now.

All I am saying is that five flushes, while very possibly appropriate for the situation, are NOT appropriate for a normal, healthy human being. And you need to go to the doctor, like, today.If you were a gorilla or an elephant, sure, I bet that a human toilet flush would not suit your needs. Great white shark? Forget about it. Those guys eat adult seals whole. They probably poop a baby seal. Gosh, I know I would.

But, lest we forget, you are none of these creatures. You are a human. With big, big problems on the horizon. Just one thought -- again without the benefit of (nor the desire for) more details. Whatever you ate most recently? Yeah, maybe no more of that. Doesn't really matter how delicious it was. In fact, were I you, I'd consider not even walking on the same block as the restaurant/bodega/trashcan where you got it. It might take you a few more minutes to get home, but I think it's worth it.

Sincerely,

Everyone besides you

Know what's invigorating?

Having to take a cold shower on one of the 3 actually cold mornings we've had this winter. But before you run right out and try this yourselves (No, no. Stop running and listen!) here are a few alternatives that you might consider.

• Start a list without a clue of what to put in it. That always makes me feel vigorous and healthy.
  
• Pour a quart of rubbing alcohol into your eye. Totally revitalizing.
• Rub smelly, low-tide sand in your hair. You won't necessarily be cold, but you won't be very happy.
  
• Sniff a lot of model airplane glue and run naked through the Bronx, screaming racial slurs appropriate to whomever you pass. Feeling awake and alive?
  
• Think of a very delicate, sensitive part of your body. Got one? Good. Pour gasoline on it. Now, light a match. Just as you are about to ignite that tender piece of yourself, take a really, really cold shower on a day like today and feel just how not relieved you are.
  

I don't mean to brag...

...but I was at an audition yesterday with Tony Roberts. For the same role. Now...people, you might not know me personally. But here's a question. I know it was only our voices that were auditioning for the same thing, but from what you can see in my photo up there, is there a role on the earth for which BOTH Tony Roberts and I might be appropriate?

I am considering changing my intro at standup shows to something like...

"He's been mistaken for Tony Roberts since early 2007, please welcome Jeff Mac!"

-or-

"It's just like listening to certain parts of Annie Hall -- JEFF MAC!!!"

Subway Letter

Dear woman wearing a deerslayer cap on the train,

Hi! You don't know me, but I just wanted to write a quick note to the 2nd most famous person ever to wear a deerslayer cap -- you. The MOST famous wearer of said headgear was, of course, Sherlock Holmes. It was quite a distinctive look, and I used to think that he was the only one who could pull it off. But not anymore, you. Now, there's one more star in the deerslayer cap firmament. And because of this blog post, you are now the second most talked about wearer of that kind of hat. Congratulations!

Sincerely,

-Jeff "Where the hell did you find a deerslayer cap in this or even the last century" Mac

Ideas for Christmas Gifts!

Hello all. Since I have not been especially blogular lately, I am feeling guilty. And that brings me to Christmas. Christmas is a time of year for buying presents for those people who you are afraid that if you do NOT buy them something, you'll look really bad. (That's how I pick who gets one, anyway.) But that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun shopping. And by "shopping" I mean "sitting in your cubicle THINKING about shopping." Because let's face it, I feel the same way about actually GOING shopping as I do about swimming under the ice on a frozen lake. Not my thing, people. I saw "The Omen" ok? It looked just miserable down there. And, like shopping, you can't just leave whenever you want. (With shopping, you have massive lines in your way as opposed to a sheet of solid ice, but the effect seems similar)

But here are some gift giving ideas for those people who you don't really know all that well, but you feel like you have to get them something. We're talking co-workers, estranged siblings, cousins that you know are going to buy YOU something. You know -- filler people. People who are in your address book to make you feel like you have more people in your life than just the 3 people you call on a regular basis. Any one of these holiday gift ideas is sure to please!

• an Edna St. Vincent Millay hoodie. I can't say I know any of her work, but that's probably just because nobody ever thought to buy me one of these babies.
• Commedia Del Arte-themed footie pajamas. With or without codpiece, depending upon whether you go with Pantalone, or the more traditional Arlecchino. Your choice, people.
  
• A tasteful Punch & Judy mask for formal occasions
  
• an empty box with an incredibly delicate looking locking mechanism on it. The recipient won't want to break it, and so they will never find out that you didn't buy them anything. (Be sure to choose someone who will be too embarrassed to ask.)
• A DVD of you staring at the camera, motionless and expressionless, for a full hour. Imagine their delight when the words "The End" roll across their screen, and they still have no idea why you chose to give them this. Especially fun for your office secret Santa!
• A series of cellphone photographs of piles of laundry at your laundromat. This is for someone whose opinion doesn't really matter to you. What you are goingfor is for them to think that YOU think you're creative. Give these to someone you are not really dating, and want to end it for good. This will help to ease the passage of your relationship from 'sexual' to 'awkward avoidance.'

Don't feel limited to this list. There are literally dozens of other things that you can buy in stores too. A hammer, for example. Also, grapes. Look for such things wherever they keep cash registers. They've got to have something in there for you.

Happy Holidays!

Excuses, and a LINK! To a VIDEO!!!

Hello from the great beyond! And by "beyond", I of course mean "beyond the point at which I was updating this blog with any sense of regularity."

The good news is that I have been very, very busy lately. In fact, if you live in the Northeast, you might have already heard one example of my busytude. There's a Stop & Stop commercial running right now where a package of toilet paper and a roll of paper towels are complaining about how expensive everything is, and then you see a title that says: "CHEAP PAPER PRODUCTS."

Well, the paper towels are voiced by yours truly. (I think that casting me as "Brawny" paper towels was an attempt at irony in the advertising world. And I don't appreciate it. All I need is a few years of working out every day. Or any day. I'd be just as brawny as could be.)

In other news, I have written an early draft of my very first comedic book, titled "Manslations," after the skill that I have developed -- telling my female friends what is happening in their relationships. I was going to write a late draft, but I figured that I would save myself the chore of rewriting until after I actually had something on paper. That's called "efficiency," folks.

In any case, yeah, I've been too busy to update these here pages. Now, there may be some of you out there thinking, "Well, how much time does it take to update a blog? It's not like your previous entries could possibly have taken much time or effort to produce." And to those of you, I say, you know what? Just leave it alone, ok, fella? Just leave me be. Don't you know who I am? I'm the voice of a paper towel (or, in the radio version, I am "Nelson" the package of two-ply toilet paper. Totally different character, by the way.)

In any case, I hope to be putting some excerpts from "Manslations" up here in the coming months. In the meantime, for those of you who missed me on Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham," just watch THIS, and you will no longer be able to say that you missed me on Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham." It's that simple.

Sincerely,

-The Management

Say Hello to my Little Soon-to-be-Dead Friend

Well, first the North Koreans tested a nuclear weapon. Also, I have been eaten alive by mosquitos (possibly also caused by North Korea, as pointed out by commenter, hihoJeff.) But now that elevator-shoe-wearing freak has gone too far. Kim Jong Il has sent a mouse to infiltrate my apartment.

Why have they targeted me, you ask? Well, clearly the main goal is to make me scream "eek" while I'm standing on a chair, clutching a broom. It worked in cartoons in the 1950's and it still works today. In fact, everything that worked in the 50s still works great today. Well, except for violent racism, the cold war, McCarthyism....and...uh...ok, only the "eek" thing is still truly relevant today.

My question is this: why, oh why does this little North Korean mouse feel the need to break my only restriction on vermin? I don't go out into the world to murder mice and bugs. Knock yourself out, little guys. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I only have to kill you if I know you exist. As soon as you're on my radar, I'm sorry, but you will have to die.

I don't enjoy killing, folks. I really don't. But what I enjoy even less is having a creature within my home that isn't me or an invited guest. I suppose that my best solution to this problem would be to send mice invitations. That way, it's my choice. But those little bastards never RSVP, they show up, eat all the cheese (such a stereotype, I know) and leave poops on the countertop.

No, I'm afraid it's going to be the great...uh...something in the sky. The point is, I'm killing him. Or her. That's called "gender equality," people. Look it up.

North Korea Nukes it Up

Well, it finally happened. And on Columbus Day, of all holy days. In fact, according to my sources North Korea tested their first nuclear weapon in protest of the fact that I don't get Columbus Day off. Now, my sources are wrong. Let's get that out in the open right now. For example, my main conduit for this information was an imaginary frog named Nicodemus who, in addition to being my familiar, is a licensed notary public (which, by the way, is SO useful, people. Everyone should imagine that they have an amphibious notary public, if they get the chance.)

The point is that there is no way that North Korea's motive for testing a nuclear weapon could possibly be related to the fact, tragic though it may be, that I have to work on Columbus Day. These are 2 unrelated tragedies.

HOWEVER, I think that just to be on the safe side, I should be allowed to go home. With full pay. And never come back. But keep getting paid. I mean, it seems only prudent.

I thank you.

Foley to go to Rehab for...booze?

So...I'm just trying to understand this, now. Alcohol was the problem here? Has anyone ever said something along the lines of, "You know, I have a problem with alcohol, ok? I'm a decent, hard-working guy, but when I get drunk? Total pedophile. Seriously, it's only when I get 3 drinks in me that I suddenly begin to want to bang children. It's a chemical reaction, people. It's a disease, is what it is."

I'm sure that the moment Mr. Foley is sober, he will make better decisions regarding the nature of his sexuality. Like...only sending underwear-related emails to people who LOOK like jailbait. That's just one example, people. Honestly, I'm sure he'll be a swell guy.

Foley's Republican Sex(?!) Scandal

See, here's how you can tell which political party is related to any sex scandal in the news without even looking:

If the scandal sounds like it could be on an episode of "Three's Company" (i.e. getting a bj from an amorous intern while the wife is out of sight) it's a democratic sex scandal.

If it sounds like something that would star Kevin Spacey as the serial killer (i.e. creepy emails to underage boys who are afraid of you) that's a Republican sex scandal.

See, that's what happens when you're afraid of sex, Republicans. If you keep sex a secret, then your sexlife will end up being creepy, weird shit that NEEDS to be kept secret. (see: Catholic Church.)

See me on Comedy Central Tonight! Again!

Hello all!

Long time, no blog! Sorry I've been unable to write very often recently. In a way, I blame myself. As a consolation (to myself) I will now inform you of the triumphant re-airing of my episode of "Live at Gotham" on Comedy Central tonight (Monday, September 25th) at midnight. And again at 2:30am!

And before you tell me that tonight at midnight technically takes place "tomorrow," let me just say this: I don't need that crap from the likes of you. I really don't.

Sincerely,

The management

Once Bitten, Twice Furious

It's a warzone in there. My apartment is so filled with mosquitos that I...sorry, I normally would have written a joke at the end of that sentence, but I'm about a quart low on blood, and the typing made me pass out. And before you ask, "Well, how did you type the REST of that sentence then, which was much longer than the part that supposedly made you pass out?" let me just say this. I don't need your guff. I really don't need any guff at all, as long as we're being totally honest here.

 

I killed LITERALLY 50,000 figurative mosquitos last night. Not before they each got at least one whack at my delicious, delicious blood. I hope it tasted really great, considering how smooshed they are at present.

 

I'm not sure why I am suddenly inundated with these little bloodsucking pests, but I have some theories.

1. One reason could be that mosquitos get angry when someone starts lists on his/her blog without planning them out ahead of time. If that is my crime, then so be it. I plead no contest (mostly because I don't really know what that means.)
2. Someone has decided to build the Panama Canal under my bed. I just didn't notice because my apartment isn't near Panama. Also, you know, they work 9 to 5 and so do I. Up until now, our schedules didn't force our paths to cross. But now that I am fully 25% malaria, I think I might just put a note on the foreman's windshield.
3. The mosquitos overheard the M*A*S*H marathon that I watched the other day, and they are too stupid to realize that "The Swamp" was just a nickname that Hawkeye and Trapper gave to their tent. It's a purely honorary title, and it's also only on Television. Ah, mosquitos -- they are such children sometimes.
4. My lifelong belief that I am just as adorable at plasma-level as I am out here in the world is really true!

Thanks, mosquitos. You have really given me perspective on life. I'm almost going to be sorry when I murder every last one of you while laughing maniacally.

R.I.P. Croc Hunter

Steve Irwin, the famous "Croc Hunter" is dead. Wow. Who could have seen that coming? But after a lifetime of saying things like, "Here we have the most deadly creature ever seen on the Earth. I'm gonna go spoon with it!" he has finally met his end. And I think this is how he would have wanted to go, if he had a choice between a stingray to the heart and a massive coronary on the toilet or something.

His family has requested that in lieu of flowers, please just send poisonous animals that have been riled up with a stick. He would have wanted it that way.

My Name is Jack Bauer...

...and this will be the longest awards ceremony of my life. I just want to say that I am very excited that "24" did as well as it did at the Emmys. That means that I will get more and more and more of it, until Jack Bauer is old and infirm, and it takes him 3 episodes just to pee.

Here are ten reasons why 24 is awesome (and yes I can use the word "awesome" even though I am no longer a teenager in the 1980's):

1. There are so many reasons for 24's awesomeness, I can begin a list of ten reasons having absolutely ZERO ideas for items to fill such a list, and do so with total confidence that my list will be chock full of reasons nonetheless.
2. Being a fan of productivity, I am encouraged by Jack Bauer's ability to get things done within a 24 hour period. He doesn't have a dayplanner or anything. He just shoots and strangles on an ad hoc basis.
3. Jack Bauer may be a super secret badass, but he sure surrounds himself with some of the worst females on this earth. Every woman he ever loves is either a.) trying to kill him, b.) in love with some dork who is trying to kill him, or c.) bleeding from a gunshot wound that she received by behaving foolishly. Doesn't do much for the image of women in our world, but it does make for great television.
4. Chloe O'Brien is wonderfully maladjusted to society as we know it. She's the only person who I can imagine greeting a nuclear holocaust with rolled eyes, a sigh, and something under her breath like, "Oh, nice."
5. There are many in-show commercials for various tech gadgets that I, a good consumer, would like to purchase. Every episode has Jack using some super powered phone or laptop or PDA that I can see myself under-using with glee.
6. Like all wussy-boys, I imagine that if I were in Jack's place, I'd behave just like he does.
7. Everyone at the CTU office gets kidnapped, or kidnaps others, or both. This would make working at my job far more interesting.
8. Jack Bauer screams, "Who are you working for!" really loudly at least 5 times a day. (Even when he spends the day alone, he'll scream it at his breakfast if he has to.)
9. Jack's daughter wasn't a major player during last season. She's hot and all, but she can't stay un-kidnapped for more than about 15 minutes at a time.
10. Even though I can't think of a tenth reason, this show is so awesome that I don't even mind that fact.

Bad Sign

Dutch police arrested 12 people who were behaving "suspiciously" on a Northwest Airlines flight bound for India.

All I'm saying is, if you're behaving so strangely that the Dutch decide to crack down, well, you've got to be doing SOMEthing bad. Is there anything that is actually illegal over there? I think you can shoot heroin while stuntflying blindfolded in an old WWI biplane. Or at least a bi-curious plane. (Hey, it's the Dutch.)

Selling Out Part Deux: Special Ringtone Edition

I was just told that Comedy Central has put up a page on their site of ringtones featuring my voice! So...if you want me telling you that you have a call, you can now pay them to let you do that.

Um...yeah.

Or, alternatively, when you get a call, you can quickly give ME a call, and I'll tell you about the first call. Sure, you'll already know about it, but you'll get that personal Jeff Mac touch. And you can't put a price on that. (Fortunately, I can put a price on it.)

Here's the link. Silly, silly, silly.

My Ringtones on ComedyCentral.com!

Pick Your Battles, Dubya...

Today, Bush expressed concern over talk of an Iraqi civil war. Not the fact that there IS one, of course. Just the talk ABOUT it. They are free to have as civil a war as they want, but if anyone actually, you know, mentions it...well, that's when the terrorists win.

See, everyone? We're not just exporting democracy. We're exporting denial as well. And isn't that what makes democracy so great? (Making sure you don't mention anything that isn't great about it?)

Man, you don't post for a couple days...

...and look what happens in the world.

First of all, regarding the cease fire in the Middle East, let me just say one word: Whew! Boy, am I glad THAT'S all over, with all the violence and the hatred. Thank god they have finally stopped the fighting forever and ever, and will never start it again.

Jonbenet Ramsey's killer is now in L.A. awaiting indictment and trial and all of that. I'm a little disappointed. I mean, I'm glad they caught him, and he sure is creepy and all, but...it was a little creepier (i.e. more entertaining for ME) when I wasn't sure if it was her family or not. Hey, if the news is going to make a spectacle out of it, don't leave a brother hanging -- make it end up WEIRD, please.

I apologize for referring to myself as "a brother." While I am one, I'm not the kind that I implied I was in that statement.

Lastly, Saddam Hussein is refusing to enter a plea at his trial for genocide. You know what? Good for him. Stick it to 'em. And when they hang him, I think he should refuse to stop breathing. That'll really show them.