Dear Johnny Five-Flush,

How are you? I am just fine.

No, wait. Let's go back to, "How are you?" as I think it addresses my main concern -- your health. Now, I don't want to get into any specifics with you as to why you felt that five flushes were necessary. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one that five was right on the money. In fact, I'm begging you to allow me to give you the benefit of the doubt, if that means that I never, EVER, know more about what happened in there than I do right now.

All I am saying is that five flushes, while very possibly appropriate for the situation, are NOT appropriate for a normal, healthy human being. And you need to go to the doctor, like, today.If you were a gorilla or an elephant, sure, I bet that a human toilet flush would not suit your needs. Great white shark? Forget about it. Those guys eat adult seals whole. They probably poop a baby seal. Gosh, I know I would.

But, lest we forget, you are none of these creatures. You are a human. With big, big problems on the horizon. Just one thought -- again without the benefit of (nor the desire for) more details. Whatever you ate most recently? Yeah, maybe no more of that. Doesn't really matter how delicious it was. In fact, were I you, I'd consider not even walking on the same block as the restaurant/bodega/trashcan where you got it. It might take you a few more minutes to get home, but I think it's worth it.

Sincerely,

Everyone besides you