Know what's invigorating?

Having to take a cold shower on one of the 3 actually cold mornings we've had this winter. But before you run right out and try this yourselves (No, no. Stop running and listen!) here are a few alternatives that you might consider.

• Start a list without a clue of what to put in it. That always makes me feel vigorous and healthy.
  
• Pour a quart of rubbing alcohol into your eye. Totally revitalizing.
• Rub smelly, low-tide sand in your hair. You won't necessarily be cold, but you won't be very happy.
  
• Sniff a lot of model airplane glue and run naked through the Bronx, screaming racial slurs appropriate to whomever you pass. Feeling awake and alive?
  
• Think of a very delicate, sensitive part of your body. Got one? Good. Pour gasoline on it. Now, light a match. Just as you are about to ignite that tender piece of yourself, take a really, really cold shower on a day like today and feel just how not relieved you are.