The Worst Old Sci Fi I've Ever Watched in its Entirety

I've done it. I've found the worst one. Well, so far. Remember, you are reading the words of a man who can say (with real feeling) how Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings is a shitty sequel because it is not true to the premise of Pumpkinhead. Seriously. And these are the movies I get to watch when the lady of the house is out of town.

The film I saw this weekend is called "At the Earth's Core." It stars Peter Cushing and...other people. Just forget about those people. Not important. At all.

Ok, this is a film about 2 Victorian men who build a drill-to-the-center-of-the-earth machine. And they do it. And then end up in a place where there are English-speaking humans enslaved by hypnotic bird dinosaurs. Awesome.

By the way, there is no mention of the amazing coincidence that these subterranean people can speak English. Not even a, "Huh, they speak perfect English. Wonder how?" I think the director (wisely) figured out that if you're going to concern yourself with such things, you're not his target demographic.

The first real crap moment is when a dinosaur is chasing Our Hero and Peter Cushing (who is shooing it away with his umbrella.) The special effects are of the guy-in-a-rubber-suit school. And terrible even by those standards. If the guy who directed the old Godzilla movies had been presented with these designs, he would have said, "Listen, I know I'm a shitstain on the world of film, but I really can't work with this."

There was a dinosaur on dinosaur battle that looked for all the world as if 2 fratboys got hammered, put on Barney suits, and beat the shit out of each other.

There was a moment when the main guy was fighting a...uh...thing, and I swear I saw one of the extras actually laughing while on camera.

My favorite sequence came when Our Hero was running around with Peter Cushing, doing whatever the hell they were doing (genuinely unimportant to know these things, even as you're watching), and they stumble across the Pretty Cavegirl. She is being attacked by a giant, fire-breathing frog. (To help you picture how this was achieved, imagine a blowtorch inside of a giant frog statue, because it didn't move.)

Ok, so Our Hero leaps in to save Pretty Girl, but they are pinned down by frogtorch fire. Here's the awesome part. In those 15 seconds, Peter Cushing's character makes a bow and arrow. As in, from scratch. He then kills the frog statue with it, which tumbles off a cliff, and EXPLODES as if it was a fuel truck.

I love this film so hard, it hurts.