Dear Crate & Barrel,

While wandering around your store, bored out of my skull, I had several questions for you. I was wondering if you could clear some things up for me.

1. Your couches are so comfy. How many times has someone sat down on one of them, and been so enchanted by the sheer couchiness that they stayed there until they wet themselves? The answer is not "never." You and I both know that. So how many?
2. How many times has there been an official therapy session held on one of your couches? I'm talking a licensed therapist, a patient, a little notebook, the whole thing, scheduled without your permission I'm sure. Again, I know it must have happened. I'm just looking for the numbers.
3. Why so many different waffle makers? Seriously.
4. Has anyone ever taken one of your pillows off a display bed, unzipped the liner, taken a crap inside of it, zipped it back up, and returned it to the bed?
5. Have you sold that pillow? Essentially, have you sold feces? How much of it? How much feces has Crate & Barrel sold since it was founded?

I await your answers with...well, with very little confidence that I'll hear from you. Don't break my heart, Crate & Barrel. Tell me the truth. For once!

Your pal,

Jeff Mac