Nuke Money is No Object!

North Korea says they made nuclear weapons, and are furious at allegations that they counterfeited money in order to pay for it. They not only want to get credit for making the bomb, but for being able to pay for it with their own money. God! Why doesn't anyone understand them?

 

You've got to respect them for that at least. I mean, everyone knows that a nuclear weapon hard-earned is a nuclear weapon cherished. I can only imagine that they are really going to take care of it. They won't leave it out in the rain or forget to clean it or anything.

 

They are going to bring it to bed with them every night. And before they go to sleep, they will kneel down at their bedside and pray, "God bless mama, and papa, and Stevie (even though he totally broke my glow-in-the-dark Milennium Falcon model), and my nuclear weapon. Please keep them all safe until I decide to hurl any or all of them at my enemies. Amen."

Favorite Spam Sender Name

Winner: Barry Manilow

 

Honorable Mention: Alejandro Flanagan

Every Civil War has a Silver Lining!

Ok, so Fox News was questioning whether an all-out civil war in Iraq might actually be a good thing. Now, normally I consider them to be functionally retarded shills for the administration, but in this case, well, they might just have something. Consider these 5 possible advantages of a total civil war in Iraq.

1. Charming blue/gray uniforms would add an air of gentility and decorum to the proceedings heretofore unseen.
2. Ken Burns will have another thing to talk about for 19 hours straight.
3. Years from now, Iraqi nerds will have something to re-enact to distract them from their inability to copulate.
4. New genre of romance novels based upon a Sunni soldier who is nursed back to health by an unrealistically buxom Shiite war widow. (And then he stones her to death for being buxom without a chaperone.)
5. Mint Juleps for everyone!

Let My (Suspected Terrorist) People Go!

The U.N. is saying that Bush must either bring the Guantanamo Bay prisoners to trial or he has to release them. Bush has said that not only will he release them, but in a gesture of good faith he has agreed to send them on an all expenses paid trip to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

 

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

Quick Valentine's Day Advice

I hope you're all enjoying that special time of year when we commemorate the day when St. Valentine was beaten to death in ancient Rome! (Yep, that's really what it is. Romantic, no?)

 

Here's a tip. If you're thinking of going to the Godiva Chocolate store on Valentine's Day, consider this equivalent alternative.

 

1. Buy a small pocket mirror. If you can't find one, you can use a store window or a bathroom mirror in a pinch.
2. Stand in front of your chosen reflective surface, facing it.
3. Extend the index finger of either hand (preferably your dominant hand for optimum efficiency) towards your reflection.
4. Laugh heartily.
5. For added fun, call yourself nasty names that indicate substandard intelligence.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Don't Blame Cheney

Look, I know that the Vice President shot his hunting buddy this weekend. And we can all make jokes about it, sure. But when you read the facts, it's clear that this guy was standing right between Cheney and a newborn kitten. So there's blame to go around. You can't just read the headlines and expect to get the whole story.

Seriously, the only reason he did it was that shooting this guy just happened to be the best way to lure Luke Skywalker to the cloud city.

Come on out and see me sometime!

Hey all! I just wanted to invite you to come out to the Bowery Poetry Club tonight (308 Bowery at Bleecker) at 10pm for HAPPY HAPPY TWO, the sequel to the wildly popular HAPPY HAPPY! It's going to be a really fun evening of comedy, music, and things unclassifiable -- all for a meager three bucks!

See you there!

-mac

So...it's a Cartoon, right?

There are ten people dead and many more injured because someone didn't like a cartoon about the prophet Mohammed. Listen, I'm all for being tolerant of other ways of thinking, but if your death-to-the-infidel-o-meter is set on CARTOON, maybe you want to dial it back a notch.

 

That's not even "an eye for an eye." That's "an eye for a drawing of an eye."

 

Even bin Laden's got to be out there going, "Guys, seriously, what did we say about picking our battles? I'm gonna need you to focus a little."

 

And they're going after random people, so any one of us could get croaked because somebody wasn't crazy about Garfield.

 

Not that I'm comparing the prophet Mohammed to Garfield. Although, they both do get into the craziest mixups! And they both love lasagna. But then, who doesn't?

No Animal/Human Hybrids?!

So, our president wants to ban animal/human hybrid clones. First, no jetpacks and now this?

 

Hey listen, Mr. President. I know that this entry into the State of the Union was probably the result of some icky dreams after the Island of Dr. Moreau came up on your Netflix cue (finally!). But I hate to break it to you -- science is not that interesting. I know that important science is important. That's why it has that name. But you need a posterchild with a little razzmatazz.

 

Be honest, if you were at a party with the guy who cured cancer on one side, and the guy who grafted his son's head onto a chipmunk on the other, who are you going to talk to, seriously? And who's going to be doing all the really interesting drinking?

 

Just think about it, ok? I need entertainment, and a baby with tentacles, antlers, and eyeballs on stalks just might do the trick.

Eve of Destruction

Well, tomorrow begins February, the most horrible monthof the year. It's boring, it's cold, it includes Valentine's Day. About the only good things you can say about it are that a.) there's a long weekend for President's Day, and b.) there are only 28 days in it.

 

Here are some tips on how to survive such a beastly month:

• BUY CANDY: Look they're selling it, people. In no other month can you buy a giant box of candy at any hour of the day or night and have people think that you are a romantic, and not just a person who is about to dismantle that giant box of candy, piece by waxy piece.
• GO TO BED: Go there early and often, and don't get up until you absolutely have to. This one is easy for me to remember because it is my advice for every other month as well. It is also written on my family crest in Latin.
• EXERCISE REGULARLY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh...oh, that was a good one. Oh wow. I needed that.
• PRETEND YOU LIVE IN COLONIAL NEW ENGLAND: Eat stew and put heated rocks in your bed at night? I'm not sure how this helps but what am I, the fucking surgeon general? Some of these are going to be stupid and ineffective and I can't be to blame for all of that. Look at the man in the mirror, ok?
• DON'T GET SO DEFENSIVE: Ok, I got a little huffy during that last one. I admit that. You think I'm afraid to admit that? Well, you're wrong. And probably not for the first time so don't look so smug. You make mistakes too.
• SERIOUSLY, STOP BEING SO DEFENSIVE: Listen, I know I got a little snippy, but pointing it out all the time really isn't helping, all right?
• TWO TIMES ISN'T "ALL THE TIME": You're right. No, you're right. Forget it.
• WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY?: Nothing. It's nothing. I just get a little touchy during this time of year.
• COME HERE. SHHHHH. SHHHHHHHHH: This is a little gross.
• AGREED.: Let's never fight again.

I hope this little guide has helped at least one person. And at most four.

Somebody Got Some Action!

I think one of my co-workers got laid. Normally a little tense, she is strutting and bopping, shucking and jiving her way around the office with a devil-may-care attitude that seems to say, "I am so awesome, I don't even know what to do with myself."

 

Good for you, office person! Even though your successful mating expedition has forced me to picture you naked -- something I never EVER wanted to have to do -- I feel that this can only be a positive step for you. I promise that I will get over any nausea, dyspepsia, vapors and/or creeps that I am currently experiencing. Probably by eating a doughnut.

 

That's how I get over just about everything these days. And it works. Lawdy lawdy does it ever! I highly recommend this miracle cure to anyone*.

 

*Probably not to diabetics. Although, if you think about it, a doughnut might very well help you "get over" your diabetes, in the sense that you won't be bothered by it anymore.

Meeting Cancelled??!!

Ok, listen. When you schedule a meeting at which you are going to explain my benefits to me for TWO WHOLE HOURS, and all I have to do is to sit there like a baby bird and take it all in, you had better keep that meeting! I was COUNTING on that time, sitting around with zero responsibility for two entire hours. See, now I'm going to have to do "work".

 

You know, I'm considering going anyway. Even though it's cancelled. I don't care if the woman who is running it isn't here. I don't mind. I don't mind in the least. I'll just sit there and imagine what my benefits are if need be.

 

I'm hoping that one of my imaginary benefits is enrollment in the "Bears on Stairs" program. It's like "Meals on Wheels," except if you qualify, they just release a bear into the stairwell of your building. But only if you qualify. Fingers crossed everybody!

In the Bullpen

Well, I was moved from "my" office into my permanent workspace -- a desk with 3 other people in a big room where we all work within 10 feet of each other. It might actually be quieter in here than it was when I was alone if that's possible.

 

The good news is this: there is a window. With real light. From the actual sun! I forgot they had that. I hadn't really noticed it, but my former office would have been exactly as comfortable to me had I been Dracula. Except I'm not sure if the cape might be overkill on the business attire.

 

Now THAT's something I should try: bust the dress code in the other direction. Come to work every day in tails, white gloves, and a top hat. I would argue that, "Hey, if I can use a keyboard and mouse better wearing a tie, just THINK how awesome I'll be in my solid gold cravat!"

 

God I hate working. It goes against everything for which I stand. Isn't this why we fought the American Revolution! Stop making me go to work you limey bastards!*

 

*I don't work with or for any British people, so I guess there goes my theory.

Assisted Suicide Legal Again! (In Oregon!)

Well, the Bush administration was handed a stinging defeat (or at least that's what Yahoo told me) when the Supreme Court said that folks in Oregon who wanted to kill themselves could do it.

 

I feel bad for the President. I mean, if he can't force people to stay alive when they don't want to, what is he supposed to do? I guess the only thing left is killing some more of the people who would rather not die at the moment.

 

Apparently it's only fun killing somebody if they don't want to be dead. I think that was an old Gershwin tune...

2 Week Retrospective on the Transit Strike

Here's the truth about walking 12 miles a day for 3 days. It wasn't that bad, plus I now know that if I ever accidentally have children and can't find a solution to that (i.e take my own life, fake my death, etc.) I'll have a ready-to-tell boring story about that time one year I had to walk real far. So I'll just file that away into the, "In case of children break glass" case that I have installed in my apartment. (The other contents of the case are Bill Cosby's book on fatherhood, a bottle of bourbon, and a sniper rifle.)

Holiday Post Mortem

Ok, here are some things I have learned about the holidays. Well, one thing really. Ready? Gosh I know I am. Here we go:

 

I hate the holidays just like everybody else.

 

I really thought I was refreshingly unique in my total indifference to the holidays. And apparently I thought it was just some weird coincidence that I get fucking furious sometime near the 3rd week of December every single year.

 

I can't say I'm not a little disappointed that I can't just shake it off. I mean, hating the holidays? So cliche! I'm down here with all of YOU people. But next year I'll be more prepared. And I'm never leaving my apartment again. Never get out of the boat, or else you run into a fucking tiger while looking for mangoes. That's just the way it works. If you're in 'Nam. Which I am, people. In a very, very roundabout way.

Happy Birthday, Blog!!!

Well, I just checked and it's my Blog's birthday! Aww...uh...I don't know what you say about a one-year-old. Not, "they grow up so fast" I don't think. Too early. And if I had an actual one-year-old I would be more likely to think something like, "Uh, when is this thing going to grow UP already?" Or, "So...are we 100% sure this kid is mine?" That and, "I wonder how hard it is to fake one's own death..."

 

I'm not saying that all children are little a-holes. But, like adults, I'd bet you that most of them are. I know I was one. And I'm awesome. Can you imagine how much crappier it gets than me? And I was an infuriating child.

 

Anywhoo, I just want to say that I appreciate all of you coming out and reading this bizarre compendium of nonsensia to the tune of almost 8,000 times. Considering the fact that I am lazy and don't really advertise even to my friends, that's so cool of you all to stop by. And to that one person in Finland, thanks to you especially. I can't imagine that I addressed your needs, but I'll do what I can.

 

In my second year as a blogger, I promise to be as lazy and shiftless as I was last year. I will try to make more references to doctors popping out of sandwiches and punching the sandwich eaters in the crotch. I will fail, but I will try. And I will continue to mean well.

 

I love you all.

 

-mac

SHOW AT SOUTHPAW TONIGHT at 9pm!!!

Hey everybody! I'm hosting a show at Southpaw tonight. My friend and comedy colleague, Pat O'Shea, is recording a CD tonight, and to help him get the crowd all roused and riled, I'll be hosting the show along with special guests Brian Kiley (writer for Conan O'Brien) and Rena Zager (Comedy Central's Premium Blend). It's only 5 bucks and the details are over at the right of your screen.

 

And if you've never been to Southpaw, it is a great Brooklyn indie rock venue. Why, you might ask, was I invited to perform at a hip indie rock venue? Well, smarty pants, I'm not sure I care for the tone of the question.

 

Come on down and see me overcome my winter cold with hilarity!

Not all over the map?

Hey! I was just compulsively checking the map of the hits I'm getting on this website (scroll all the way down to the bottom to see it yourself) and some of them have disappeared. My Aussie connections are gone. So is the one in South America. What gives? Did they look at the website and then, several weeks later, take it back? There's no backsies on the WWW, people. If you come here, you are stained forever. That's just how it works.

 

P.S. If anybody knows anybody in Greenland with a computer, have them stop by the site. I'd sure love to see their blip on my screen. If you know what I mean.

Happy New Year!

Hey everyone. Well, it's that special time of year when we pretend to be JUST about ready to change our lives for the better. That's right, it's time for New Year's Resolutions! And I, Jeff Mac, am here to help. Here are my guidelines on setting and keeping New Year's Resolutions that have worked for me every year, except for the fact that I haven't made them up yet. But I bet they're going to be just socko. Here we go!

• COVER YOUR BASES: It's important not to set yourself up for failure. But since you're going to anyway, here's a fun way to feel at least half good. Create conflicting resolutions. For example, one of my resolutions might be to exercise more, but I also make one to exercise LESS often. This way you're a winner no matter what!
• HITCH YOUR WAGON TO A STAR: A lot of people suggest that you create goals that are not too intimidating. I say set goals that are not only intimidating, they are completely impossible. In fact, I would suggest coming up with goals that are SO overwhelming and intimidating that they actually make you pee every time you think of them. I don't know how this will help you but I think it sounds like a lot of fun.
• BABY STEPS: This one isn't about making smaller, more attainable goals. Save that shit for Dr. Phil. I'm actually suggesting that you step on babies. It makes you feel powerful, plus it really takes the wind out of any guilt you might feel over, say, eating every cookie in your house at one sitting. I mean that's bad, but compared to the fact that you've been stepping on babies, it looks comparatively benign.

If you will just follow my 3 simple steps I will be sure to enjoy the New Year.