Dear China,

How are you? I am just fine. Boy, do you have a lot of citizens. Yep, that's sure quite a population you've got. Very impressive. Very impressive. Ahem. Ok. Well, I guess I should quit beating around the bush and get to the point.

My reason for contacting you is a request for assistance. When you are sending some of your folks over to America, please ask them not to open Mexican restaurants in New York City. They just don't know how to do it.

Nobody else does this. People from Sweden don't move to Beijing and open Nigerian restaurants. It would be weird. See what I'm saying? You've got to stop them.

If they insist, please pass along these tips, in the interest of international goodwill and me not throwing up.

• When a recipie calls for a tortilla, go ahead an use a tortilla. It's ok, just use one. No, a mooshu pancake really isn't the same thing, I promise. Yes, I know they're both round. Not the point.
• When making salsa, I know that it is tempting to think to oneself, "Well, it's red, it's chunky -- DONE!" I know you're eager to move on, but try to stick with it for a little longer. For optimum results, it's important to add ingredients that are found in salsa.
• When you sell someone a "chicken quesadilla", it would be great if at least one of those words didn't have to be in quotes like that. And by that I mean that it should either contain a tortilla (see above) with an appropriate cheese, or that the meat on it should have once belonged to a chicken. Ideally both of these would be true.

Please, do what you can. See you soon!

Sincerely,

-Jeff

America's Next Top Model Recap

This week sort of stunk. I don't like saying that about my favorite reality television show. And I'm sure it doesn't like hearing it from me. I'm sorry, baby. I'll make it up to you. Now get back in the reality TV show kitchen, and make me a reality TV dinner. Uh…hm? Fine. Move it on over to the recap.

Crying (sad): ONE - I don't know what to say. This is nearly the worst possible score, obviously. And the only tears were from my very favorite model of them all as she was eliminated. I couldn't even enjoy that crying.

Crying (happy): ONE - I was too heartbroken from the lack of sad crying to be buoyed by the happy crying. I…I'm sorry…let's just move on.

Hilariously lame/campy airplane animation: ONE - As the ladies flew to their new home, Africa, we were treated to a flying animation that looked like it would have fit well in the opening credits to "The Nanny." I think.

Ironically Appropriate Challenge: ONE - This week's drama was about one of the girls porking it a little bit. Not in real world standards, just in model world. And when all of the girls were given an animal to emulate, what African beastie was she given? Yep. Elephant. This was hours after one of her co-contestants likened her to a hippo that they passed on a safari. And one week after her assigned sin (of the 7 deadlies) was "gluttony."

Olde-Tyme Piano Music fer Bug Fightin': ONE - The sound guy on this show is having a blast. Giant African bugs flying around the bedroom? Break out the crazy ragtime saloon music! Slightly overweight girl given the challenge to become like an elephant? Cue up the "wa-waaaa" trumpet! Good for you, buddy. Ain't nothin' gonna breaka your stride.

Patently Un-jackable Girl-on-Girl Action Including Pixellated Buttcrack: ONE - Ok, Janice? Tyra? Don't do that. Not ever again, ok?

Quote of the Week: "That was scary." - Tyra Banks after being mauled by Janice Dickinson. No kidding, Tyra. I'm still scared.

What I'm Looking Forward to Next Week: I'm not sure what it's going to be, but the girls will be critiquing each other in some way. One of them says, and I quote, " I see maybe dirty…in her underwear." Is she saying that one of the models has pooped herself? God, I hope so. This series is getting weak!

BATHROOM SURVEILLANCE

Whenever I'm in a small public bathroom alone, I always act as if I am being filmed. (I've heard stories of such things. You never know.) Further, I act like I'm totally non-chalant about it. I wave to the two-way mirror, wink at the surveillance team. As in, "Yeah, I know what you're doing back there. And I'm not impressed. Doesn't ruffle my tailfeathers*."

The odds of me going into a bathroom that is being watched are not that high. I realize this. And I further realize that if I do walk into a watched bathroom, sure, that's probably when the dude will decide to take his break (Thanks a lot for that confidence booster, by the way, fellas). But if I am ever in such a situation, being filmed without my knowledge or consent, I just like the idea of that surveillor thinking, "Wow, that guy knows I'm back here, and he just doesn't care. Now THAT is one cool customer.**"

Of course, in reality, he would probably go, "Wow…If that guy had any balls, wouldn't he come and kick my ass? Or at the VERY least complain to the manager? What a pussy."

And that, my friends, is how I can never win.


*I realize that using the slang of a 30's gangster's girlfriend probably isn't helping me any. So scram, you. Go take a powder. And also, twenty-three skidoo, if you please.

**Honestly, just shove it. I don't even want to hear it.

Happy Passover!

Well, it's that time of year when our Hebrew brethren and sistren celebrate that time when they totally fooled the Angel of Death into sparing their children by smearing lamb's blood on their front doors. Oh MAN, I wish I could have seen the look on the AoD's face when he figured THAT one out!

What a lot of people don't know is that lamb's blood will not only repel the Angel of Death, but also trick or treaters, and most travelling salesmen. Lambs don't exactly love it either. I learned that from Joel Fleischman on Northern Exposure. Either that, or I might have made it up when I had a really bad fever.

Anyway, there are plenty of other olde tyme door smearing remedies that are perhaps less known than your standard lamb action. But they are no less potent. Try them for yourself!

• If you put the blood of your children on your front door the Angel of Death will spare your lambs. It works both ways. Your choice.
• Rubbing linseed oil into your door will not protect anyone from anything, but it will increase your chances of hearing the following, "Behold! I am the Angel of De…Oooh, this door is in beautiful shape! Oh, uh, you're dead by the way. But such a nice door!"
• Also, if you smear maple syrup on your door, the Angel of Pancakes will upgrade your short stack of 3 buckwheat pancakes to the full 5 at no extra cost to you.
• And finally, replacing your front door with a Gyro on pita will protect your children (and their sandwiches) from Arianna Huffington and/or Anthony Quinn. It never caught on, but still...Makes you think, doesn't it?

America's Next Top Model Recap

This week was not bad. Not great, but not bad. They did some interview technique coaching. It was sort of entertaining to see how many times they said the words, "actually" and "wonderful."

Crying (sad): EIGHTEEN - Now THAT is some serious crying. Granted, a lot of that was the girl who had genuine cause to grieve, so it wasn't as hilarious as usual. But there was plenty of other crying for far less justifiable reasons.

Crying (happy): THREE - We not only had happy crying, but we had a teary-eyed, "I promise, I'm going to LEARN from this, thank you, thank you!" from my favorite model, the former wrestler.

Surprisingly Good Dancing: ONE - That same model, the wrestler, busted out on the dancefloor with some nearly sexy moves. It was so sweet to see her emerge from her dork chrysalis as a beautiful butterfly. A slutty, trashy, wonderful butterfly.

Shameless Exploitation of Grief: ONE - Ok, one of the girls had a close friend that died, and the modelling challenge was to have pictures taken in an open grave. The producers knew what they were doing -- they had just filmed her talking about it. Bravo, UPN! Way to look out for your girls! (Extra points for the campy count chocula funeral organ music when they showed shots of her near the grave!)

References to a single girl as a Drag Queen: TWO - In two different situations, one of the models was referred to as looking like a drag queen. I'm sure it will be a good character builder for her. Put hair on her chest.

Nose Picking Re-enactment: ONE - Ok, when the judges ask you to re-enact that time someone caught you picking your nose, here's a tip. How about just saying no?

Quote of the Week: "We're on a need-to-know basis about your flatulence."

What I'm Looking Forward to Next Week: They let me down on the previews this week. One of the girls is eating doughnuts and gaining weight, is about it. We'll just have to see.

WARNING!

If you find a penny and pick it up and you accidentally say "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight," instead of "Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck," you will not only NOT have good luck, but you will also get lupus.

To counteract this, you must steal your neighbor's dishrag and bury it under a rock. This will also cure warts*.

*Unless the neighbor has warts, in which case this will cause warts.

Dear Guy Who Knew WAY Too Much About Wine at That Restaurant,

How are you? I am just fine. Listen, please, please shut your merlot-hole. No one cares how much you know about wine. (Or about anything, if I'm correctly interpreting the look on your dinner companion's face.)

And while I'm at it, don't go to a fancy restaurant, order chicken, and eat it with your fingers just so that someone will comment on it, so that you can tell that person, "You know, it's actually NOT considered rude to eat chicken on the bone with your fingers. Honestly, I don't know why people are so dainty." Yeah, so said the guy apparently reading articles about the etiquette of poultry-eating. You're a real lumberjack.

Look, I know next to nothing about wine. I was once given a choice between 2 wines, and when I made my selection the steward said, and I quote, "Hm. Interesting." But I do know this much: No one cares what YOU know about wine. And I'm not saying that I wish you bodily harm, but if I heard that an anvil fell on your head I'd probably laugh until I peed.

And if I can actually notice your manners from 4 tables away, that means you're not doing it right, you effete prick.

Sincerely,

Just About Everyone You've Ever Met

Up, up and away!

Michael Jackson's accuser's mom (this is already annoying) was given a pretty rough going over in court yesterday. Apparently, she was quoted as saying that, at one point, she was afraid her children were going to be kidnapped via a hot air balloon from Neverland. And for this she was portrayed as, well, a loony.

Yeah, as if that would be the weirdest thing that Michael had ever done. I understand that this is not the worry of a normal person, and that this woman is very likely a little shaky in the whole reality department. But if someone told me that Michael Jackson was planning to abduct her children in a hovercraft driven by a gay unicorn who was a colonel in the Salvation Army, I'd still have to at least consider it.

Let's All Relax About the Abandoned Refrigerator Doors

Yeah, I said it. I know we've heard that an abandoned fridge is a deathtrap for kids who might get inside. I'm here to tell you that I'm over it. Oh yes, he did!

If I ever accidentally have enough money to have a refrigerator, and then even MORE money to buy yet ANOTHER one, making the first one superfluous, I'm just putting it out on the curb. As is. Here's why:

1. If a fridge was so hard to open that someone can't escape it even in their death throes, well, how the hell was its previous owner able to get their pickles and sauerkraut and such so easily? I smell a conspiracy. Ok, maybe not. But still...
   
2. If your child is too weak to get out of the fridge, and too dumb to stay out of the fridge, I don't feel like he or she would have made a very good adult anyway.

In short, I don't have children, but if I have to sacrifice a couple of yours to make a point, I'm willing to do so. That's called, "making the tough decisions." Look it up.

**Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, there are no situations in which it is OK to utter the phrase, "Don't worry, baby. It was only statutory." It's almost always considered bad form.

The Wholphin and His Friends

Well, apparently a whale banged a dolphin and they had a kid. They're calling it a "wholphin." It happened in Hawaii, so I'm assuming they were at a luau, they were having rum drinks, they were dancing, you know the story.

I love this sort of hybrid animal thing, and I wish they did it more often (and no, it didn't count when IHOP served an omelette on top of a waffle and called it a "womelette".) Here are my ideas for some combinations that will make life a little more bearable.

The Bear-a-Bull: Bull makes sweet love to a bear, and this is the result. Actually, I was just going for the pun from the last sentence. And now I've done it. Just assume that the comedy hasn't started yet. Ok, I really don't appreciate how quickly you all said, out loud in your own homes, that you already HAD assumed that. It's rude, and I'm not getting paid for this. Unless some of you want to pay me for this. In which case you can spank me all night long if you like.

The Multure: A monkey chases down, captures, and bangs a vulture. I don't know how I feel about this one as an animal, but I think that the conception itself could have some comedic value.

The Fronghorned Antelope: A frog and, well, a pronghorned antelope. Eh...let's move on.

The Waltoid: A walrus finds a way to become impregnated by an altoid. It looks like a regular walrus, but it is curiously strong, and the tusks are very refreshing. Very refreshing.

The Stan-a-tee: A female manatee waddles up onto land to mate with my childhood nextdoor neighbor Stan. Nice guy. I'm sure his wife and kids will understand if it was all done for my amusement.

America's Next Top Model Recap

Ok, I was a little disappointed this week. See, it was the acting class episode. Since I'm only in this thing for the crying, this is sort of like Christmas morning. Usually, the girls are given some acting challenge that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy (i.e. they are dying in a hospital bed, and have to say goodbye to their husband, Taye Diggs, for instance.) Instead, they were asked to dress as a cockney flower girl. Think "Little Whore on the Prarie." No crying.

There was one nice moment. One of the girls had done so poorly that her critique was, "Loved the hat." That was sort of magical.

Ok, here's the rundown.

Crying (sad): TWELVE - Ok, we're now at the point where nearly every girl is just GOING to cry every week. Finally, a reason to wake up in the morning. Although, it will be pretty hard to top Tyra Banks screaming so hard at one of the models that she started crying herself. That's just good television.

Crying (happy): TWO - Not bad, but we're getting to the point where every model who gets cut is going to be shocked. And so, if you don't get cut, you cry.

Meaningless Asskissing of a Star: ONE - They went to a restaurant owned by - gasp! - Ashton Kutcher! Hey, guess what? Who gives a rat's ass? He's not flipping the burgers back there. "Well, gooooollyyy!!! That busboy gets his check signed by a guy employed by the guy on Punked!" Wow. Small world.

Awesome Coffee Misconception: ONE - No, sweetheart, there's no juice at the bottom of a cappuccino.

Quote of the Week: A model, upon learning that she would have to learn to speak Cockney: "Cockney!? I can barely speak English!"

What I'm Looking Forward to Next Week: Well, one of the girls has a death in the family, which is serious and not funny at all. What may be funny will be how dramatically they edit the shots of, say, the open grave that they showed during the preview. Yes, yes they did.

Rest in peace, old friend.

This morning, my alarm clock died. It didn't technically die. Its non-performance told me, however, that the time was nigh. Well, not so much "non-performance" as "over-performance." It was not set to wake me up when it did. It wasn't entirely unpleasant, but I think that my wakeup time is a call that I should be making. When an electrical device starts disobeying direct orders, well, we've all seen Robocop*.

I have owned this clock radio for more than half my life. I got it as a result of having destroyed my previous clock radio with static electricity**. I lost my virginity to the calm, blue light it gave off. It woke me up for every day of work of every job I have ever had (at which point I would hit the snooze button with such savage fury that I nearly felt like a man).

I can't believe it. First the pope, now this.

But I have to end it. I know it wouldn't want to be a burden. And when an alarm clock doesn't, you know, alarm you when you ask it to…well, it becomes less of an alarm clock and more of an electric brick.

Goodbye, alarm clock. I only hope your predecessor can be as functional and emotionally meaningless to me as you have been. And by 'predecessor' I mean the opposite of predecessor***.


*Which is totally cool. I mean, we're all going to die somehow. If it could be in a robot attack as opposed to in a nursing home, then hey, bring on the 'bots. But this situation wasn't so much 'apocalyptic' as 'annoying.'

**I accidentally learned one day that if I wore certain slippers and walked across the rug, touching that clock radio would zap it with enough electricity to turn on the radio. And after about 1,000 times, it fried the circuits. Now, that was FUN!

***Obviously, I was awakened a little earlier than I had planned to be and I am having language problems as a result. Just one more reason to pull the plug. Sorry, Congress!

Haiku to this website as it crashes for the 80th time in a row, losing all that I typed

you hurt my feelings

I'd complain if you weren't free

instead, my heart bleeds

 

 

America's Next Top Model Recap

This week was not a particularly eventful week on my favorite reality-based television. But there were a couple of breakthrough moments that impressed me, if only by filling the stat sheet in an interesting way. Here goes:

Crying (sad): FIVE - This was, I believe, the calm before the storm. Pretty soon, we get to the point in the season where every single one of these girls cries every week. And then, my life begins.

Crying (happy): ONE - No good, but again, calm before the storm. We're still weeding out the girls who know they've had it coming. Soon enough, no one will be safe, any judging ceremony that you pass, you cry. It's just that simple.

Pretentious Name for a Makeup Artist: ONE - The person's name was "Q". Just the letter Q. Yay.

Pixellated Buttcracks: THREE - Fantastic and surprising stat, and it didn't even include when one girl got hammered and smacked her ass up against the windows of the van. Twice.

Random Hosing Down of Models: TEN - Their challenge was to model while being sprayed with water and hurricane-force wind. Tough stuff, people.

Quote of the Week: WE HAVE A TIE!!!

• Janice Dickinson, the most frightening model alive: "They're all fat. The entire room is fat. I'm fat."
• A photographer saying that a model was too boring, not edgy enough. "Rebecca…is safe sex." Yeah, that's what I thought when I was watching, that she was as boring as not getting an STD.
  

What I'm Looking Forward to Next Week: A whole lot of stuff. Including:

• The models attempting to learn a cockney accent. The horror. The horror.
• The Acting Class episode! (aka Cry-Me-A-River Day)
• Tyra screams "Be Quiet" to one of the girls during the judging ceremony. And on that note, I think I just peed a little.

My Living Will

Being of sound mind and body (hahahahahahahaha), I hereby uh...here's my will.

Since the whole Terry Shiavo thing, people have been talking more about their final wishes. I was recently asked if I would want to be kept alive in that state. My response is as follows: I barely want to be kept alive in my current state. Any excuse you have to drop me, people, feel free to take it.

Here are some situations in which I would not want to be kept alive.

• I am in a coma, or have taken a nap longer than 2 hours (after that, I'm pretty much useless anyway.)
• I have watched an entire episode of Mama's Family. (With this one, feel free to kill me with whatever is handy.)
• The cable goes out for more than 3 days. Just waste me. I would have wanted it that way.

Oh, and as far as the "who gets what?" portion of the will, here goes. Uh...anybody who wants my credit card debt, it's yours. Knock yourself out.

I thank you, one and all.

No April Fools!

You'll notice that I allowed April 1st to come and go without incident. There were no phony posts, no hoaxes, nothing of the kind. Know why? Because I have no respect for practical jokes.

As jokes, they don't exactly bury the "funny" needle. And frankly, they are just not that practical.

Here's my impression of a practical joke.

Man 1 goes to put on his shoes, only to find that his idiot friend, Man 2, has poured cold carrot ginger soup into them.

Man 2: Ha ha! You totally fell for my practical
joke! You're such an asshole!

Man 1: Yeah, you're right. I can't believe I wasn't able to foresee soup in my shoes. I really am an asshole. And so are you!

Man 2: I sure am!

Man 1: I don't really even like you right now!

Man 2: Nope! I barely like myself!

Man 1: Ok, I'll see you later. I've got to spend valuable hours out of my lifespan that I will never regain, trying to figure out some retarded way to get you back for this!

The only practical joke I might enjoy would be one that accidentally killed both parties, but that gave each of them 3 minutes or so of total awareness of what it was that killed them. That, I might really like.