BATHROOM SURVEILLANCE

Whenever I'm in a small public bathroom alone, I always act as if I am being filmed. (I've heard stories of such things. You never know.) Further, I act like I'm totally non-chalant about it. I wave to the two-way mirror, wink at the surveillance team. As in, "Yeah, I know what you're doing back there. And I'm not impressed. Doesn't ruffle my tailfeathers*."

The odds of me going into a bathroom that is being watched are not that high. I realize this. And I further realize that if I do walk into a watched bathroom, sure, that's probably when the dude will decide to take his break (Thanks a lot for that confidence booster, by the way, fellas). But if I am ever in such a situation, being filmed without my knowledge or consent, I just like the idea of that surveillor thinking, "Wow, that guy knows I'm back here, and he just doesn't care. Now THAT is one cool customer.**"

Of course, in reality, he would probably go, "Wow…If that guy had any balls, wouldn't he come and kick my ass? Or at the VERY least complain to the manager? What a pussy."

And that, my friends, is how I can never win.


*I realize that using the slang of a 30's gangster's girlfriend probably isn't helping me any. So scram, you. Go take a powder. And also, twenty-three skidoo, if you please.

**Honestly, just shove it. I don't even want to hear it.