Thanks!

Hey everybody,

Thanks so much to those of you who watched the show on Friday night. And for those of you who did not, well, it IS Comedy Central, so I'm sure they'll be playing it every couple of days for the next 19 years.

Seriously, it was definitely the highest point of my career to date, and one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me, period. I look forward to the next one, whenever that may be (and you're all coming to the taping, by the way, so start picking out outfits.)

See you soon!

-mac

Tonight! Me! On Television! You LIKE Television!

Hey everybody,

Just a reminder that tonight at 11pm E.S.T. you can see me from the comfort of your own home on Comedy Central. You can sit on your couch, eat Kraft macaroni and cheese, you can smear ice cream all over the back of your neck in an effort to keep cool if you want to. Hey, it's your house. I'm certainly not going to judge you. I've lived alone long enough to know that the things one does in the privacy of their own home are, while shameful, nobody's bidness but their own. The important thing is that you look at moving pictures of me while you're doing it. Ok, I just got a little grossed out.

And I also wanted to say thanks to everybody who's been so supportive and awesome. And also to the people who have NOT been that way, but have made themselves easy to ignore. Either way, I come out a winner. Thanks, y'all. (Yeah, I went to college in North Carolina. What of it?)

See you on the other side,

-mac

See Jeff Mac on the TEEvee--Friday Night!!!

Hey everybody,

I just wanted to let you know that my episode of Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham" will air this Friday, July 28th at 11pm E.S.T. Check your local listings and you can see MY NAME right there in the guide! If you have special circumstances, see my official workarounds below.

• If you live in, say, Australia...well, I don't know how much Comedy Central programming you folks get down there. If you don't get any at all, just look at a wallaby and imagine me saying funny things. It might not give you the same effect, but it will be super fun, I'm sure of it.
• If you are reading this from Iraq, feel free to do the same thing but with a grenade or something. (Please be careful.)
• If you have children and find it difficult to find time to watch television, you've got a good 4 and a half days to put them up for adoption.
• If you don't have a TV, bake one of your kinfolk a gooseberry pie and mayhap they'll let you set a spell in front of THEIR talky box.
• If you have a TV but no cable, please tell me how great PBS is again. I never get tired of hearing about that.
  

Seriously, if you get a chance, check it out. I'm really excited! When I saw my name on the onscreen guide, I almost dropped a deuce in my pants.

I love you all, you magnificent bastards.

-mac

Dear Guy in the Restroom:

I am writing to you regarding the moment when you were alone at the urinal and you farted like a trombone. Thanks for adding, "Wow." It kind of made my day.

Sincerely,

Jeff Mac

WARNING!

I noticed recently that movie warnings are more specific than they used to be. I think it was when I saw a preview for a vampire movie that was rated R due to, among other things, "Vampire Violence." Seriously.



Only in America do parents need more information than 'Violence' to decide whether or not to bring the kids. "Welllll, what KIND of violence? In our house, we allow the kids to see around eleven types. We only forbid them to watch squirrel violence, ice cream man violence, and Frankenstein violence. Which kind does your movie provide?"


And with the sex and nudity, it's all very vague. 'Mild' Sexual Content or 'Strong' Sexual Content. Or 'Extra Crispy'. And with Nudity, it's not even that much. Just 'Brief' or...regular? Which is nowhere NEAR specific enough for me. If I'm going to have to look at Harvey Keitel's balls, I'm going to need a few minutes to clear some headspace for that image. I can't be going in thinking Hollywood Nudity and getting Beloved But Out Of Shape Character Actor From The Days Of Yore Nudity. That's not good for you.


And finally, there's "Adult Situations." Given that the above two are already accounted for, I'm not sure what's left. I guess it's basically just saying, "Look, this isn't for children, and we're not really sure why." But what could it be? Gratuitous shots of someone saving a receipt for tax purposes? Or maybe just someone going, "You know, this bar soap is just messy. I think I'm going to get squirt-bottle handsoap." That, my friends, is an Adult Situation.

Dear My Blog:

Why have you not been updated by me in, like, a week? What's going on? I've compiled a short list of possible reasons for your reprehensible lack of being updated by me:

1. The blogger in question (yours truly) has been spending his time announcing lists for which he has not yet thought of any contents. Like, you know, this one. This is probably disheartening for you, the receptacle into which such lists eventually are put.
2. The grammar in list item #1, while lovely, is annoyingly correct. I'd think that might bother you. I'm not wild about it either, if that makes you feel any better.
3. The internet was broken, and so I couldn't update you. Yeah, I'd think someone might have noticed. Or said something on the news like, "The internet is down, productivity soars," or "The internet is down, office workers begin beating each other to death with office furniture."
4. Absolutely nothing amusing happened for 7 full days.
5. It's too hot for humor. New York City feels like someone slit open a dead body and shoved me inside of it. Not unlike that creature that Han Solo cut open to keep Luke Skywalker warm in the beginning of "The Empire Strikes Back."
6. Maybe you were depressed by the fact that I know the name of the species of creature mentioned in #5.
7. It's a tautaun.

 

Bong-Bong!!!

How much "Law & Order" can one person watch? My answer is the same one that some alcoholics will give when asked how much they drink per day. "Well...all of it."

 

I love it so much. If you played that "bong-bong" noise out of context, I think I would begin to drool.

 

I drool anyway, but that's more out of laziness than any Pavlovian training. It's something I'm working on, and not something that I feel the need to defend to you people.

 

Ok, I apologize. That was, in fact, pretty defensive. If we were on Law & Order, and I had died shortly following that comment, that snarky coroner lady would be describing how my body showed signs of defensive wounds. You know, scuffs and scratches, skin under the fingernails. They'd be able to get your DNA and you'd be just about to get away with it, but Sam Waterston would find some sneaky way to get out of a plea bargain he had made with you, and you'd go down for the full 25 to life.

 

Oh, TV. Do you see what you do to me when you go on summer rerun vacation? If you drive me to a life of taking walks, reading books and talking with loved ones, I swear to god I'm going to do something that, given enough clues, will raise Jerry Orbach from the dead to bring me to justice.

Revenge

Dear Tattooed People Who Are Cooler Than I Am,

 

I just saw a 75 year old man with the barbed wire tattoos around his "biceps." Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Have fun, everybody!!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Dorky McNoTattoos

 

 

Thank you, Jacques Cousteau

I recently recorded a television program about famed marine biologist/explorer, Jacques Cousteau's son getting into a submersible that looks and moves like a great white shark. I haven't seen the show yet, so I won't comment on the moronity of such an act just yet. I will say this -- that's just one of the first steps in what was a lifelong dream of Cousteau's.

1.  First Cousteau went down there in a shark cage or a sub.
   
2. Then, his son builds a sub that looks like a shark.
   
3. His grandson then builds a special camera that he can bring with him inside an actual LIVING great white shark. (He had to build a special camera because otherwise they wouldn't give him the grant to just go out and essentially "wear" a shark.)
   
4. Cousteau's GREAT grandson just shoots himself in the mouth with a speargun while shouting "Sharks!"
5. His great-great grandson embarrasses his wife at parties by putting a jellyfish in his pants.
6. Finally, his great-great grandson just pees into the ocean every Fourth of July.
   

A masterful life.

Thought on Swimming...

At this point, how much of the Earth's oceans are just pure fish pee?

Missiles that could reach Alaska!!!

Dear Mr. President,

 

If you don't stop North Korea, and I mean NOW, they will soon have the capability of nuking Alaska before you get the chance to petro-rape it. Consider yourself forewarned. Don't let that little freak to steal your thunder. Nobody trashes our Arctic until WE do, baby.

 

Sincerely,

 

Someone who wouldn't have voted for you even if you were running against an old tire smeared with poo

Holy cow

Uh...I just had a birthday and realized something. When I graduated from high school, it happened to be on my 18th birthday. My birthday last week was 18 years after that day. I did that amount of time again since high school -- e.g. I'm an old person. Luckily, I look fantastic considering just how mind numbingly old I am. I mean I am old. You know that stuff in that tupperware in my fridge? Ok, that's old. But that's just a baby compared to me. A little au gratin potato baby.

 

Thank god I can't have children (My doctor ran some tests and I was diagnosed with "not wanting any children." Out of my hands, you know?) Kids would, by comparison, make me look even OLDER than the old, old, old that I actually am.

 

Some things to do once you're as old as I am:

1. Seriously, really, make a decision to refuse to begin numbered lists until you have some stuff to put in the list. It's not helping anyone, so really change that behavior, stat.
2. Eat anything and everything you want. You're going to die soon anyway. You're not going to be on your deathbed thinking, "Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't eat that club sandwich."
3. Wear bad clothing. (I'm way ahead of the curve on this one.)
4. Become ridiculously cheap to the point where you'll eat dinner at 2 in the afternoon if they offer a discount.
5. Learn what "escrow" means.
6. Watch movies that have "adult themes." I'm not sure what that means. Maybe movies about escrow.
7. Lie down as often as possible. Again, you're going to die soon. You'll have to lie down then. Make it easy on yourself and get down there now.

See you on the other side. Go into the light!

Interesting Ways for the World to End: A preview

In re-reading Stephen King's The Stand, it occurs to me that the world will probably come to an end at some point. Personally, I'm all for it. I mean, if we're all going to die anyway, wouldn't it be fun to have it happen all during the same week and a half? (The answer is probably "no" but what are you going to do, right? Am I right, people?)

 

Here's a brief rundown of some of the ways it could all go down.

• PLAGUE: This is how it happens in The Stand. I'm not sure if it is the worst way for the apocalypse to come upon us, but it seems sure to be the most fragrant. (rating - One and a half horsemen) 
• ROBOTS BECOME INTELLIGENT, KILL US BECAUSE WE HAVE BECOME A DANGER TO THEM: I love this one. My only wish is that just once before I die, I get to see a scientist on television saying, "As you can see, D12 is perfectly harmless, and incapable of harming a...D12, put that down. Stop, D12. Seriously. Oh crap."(rating - 4 horsemen)
• NUCLEAR WAR:  I don't know about this one anymore. It's so '80s, you know? I guess suitcase nukes are a little punk, but a full-on nuclear war? Will we have to have spiked hair and parachute pants again? Because if we do, I'm all for total destruction.  (rating - half a wormy horseman)
• ALIEN INVASION: Again, love it. Bring it on, please, please, please. War with aliens would be hell, I'm sure. (Especially if it works out to be as retarded as Spielberg's remake of War of the Worlds. I wouldn't be surprised if there are alien cultures planning our demise right now, just because of that film.) But it's got to be more interesting than going to work every morning, no? (rating - 4 horsemen)
• GIANT METEOR: Meh. Not bad. Although it would have the added benefit of not really having any effect on anything until right at the moment of impact. And if people had enough warning, there would be some of the most stunning sex, partying, and carrying on ever imagined. (rating - 3 horsemen)
• ZOMBIES: Ohhhh, come to papa. The best destruction of society EVER. I would be so great in a zombie apocalypse. I really would. And even if I didn't cut it as a zombie hunter, I bet I'd make a rather dashing zombie as well. Either way, I come out a winner. (rating - 5 horsemen)

I hope this guide has been both informative, and...see, I said the word "both" but I only had one thing that I hoped the guide had been. Gotta stop doing that.

More Subway Letters

Dear Well Dressed Person Who Surely Pooped On the Train,

 

Good decision for you to do that? I couldn't say. Frankly, I don't know what your plans are for the day, so I couldn't tell you if that's going to work for you as the day wears on. Bold decision? Ten-four, good buddy.

 

Sincerely,

 

One of the people who have noses and opinions about where poop ought to be stored

 

=============

Dear Bird Flu,

 

Please don't come to the subway. I'm reading Stephen King's The Stand right now. And while I believe I would really enjoy surviving an apocalyptic event that might make my rush hour commute less crowded, I can't help but wonder if there wouldn't be some kind of a "downside" to something like this. Get over there in the birds where we can see you, and come out with your pseudopodia in the air.

 

-mac

 

==============

Dear Person Who I Can't Remember,

 

I had something funny to say about you, I'm just sure of it. But now I can't think of a thing about you. Were you maybe wearing funny shoes? Probably not, but I'm really at a loss here. I'm getting older, and they say that absolutely everything is the first thing to go. Boy were THEY right, huh? Ok, keep up the good work. Maybe I'll see you again sometime after I've had some caffiene in me.

 

-Jeff

 

 

Say Goodbye to my Little Friend!

Dear Mosquito that I Killed at Around 3am,

 

Hi! Boy, I bet you weren't expecting to hear from me! Thanks so much for being so thwackable at the end, especially after the many fruitless hunting expeditions I embarked upon to find you. In truth, I didn't expect that you were going to be so hard to find. First of all, my apartment is small enough that you were basically my roommate. I was going to ask you to start paying half the rent. Secondly, after the quart of my blood that you siphoned out of me, I expected you to be the size of a sandwich, waddling on the floor, too heavy to fly. You can really hold your plasma, my little dead friend.

 

Well, I guess I'll sign off. I only regret that you weren't intelligent enough to have been terrified and in excruciating pain as I smashed you into oblivion (or into "bolivian" as Mike Tyson once said.) I hope this letter finds you in the pit of hell being drained of blood by creepy, little flying humans who have found their way into your mosquito apartment, and you have no idea how they got in.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Guy Who Will Joyfully Kill Any of Your Kin Who Foolishly Cross Me

A Brush With Lame!

I was walking to work this morning, whistling, skipping, saying hello to little children and playing hopscotch/stickball/jumping rope with them as I passed, thanking my lucky stars that in this cold, cruel universe, I have somewhere to go where everyone knows my name. And expects me to do things at their bidding or else they won't give me money. You know -- the usual.

 

Anyway, I saw a face that I recognized, and my mental filing system went to work to figure out who it was. Is that...it's Jose Ferrer, right? No, he didn't look like that even before he stopped being alive. Miguel Ferrer? No, that's the first guy's son. Alive, so we're getting warmer, but still doesn't look like this guy. And even if I'm sure his name is Ferrer, I can't imagine why Miguel Ferrer would get reconstructive surgery to look like this dude. (Then again, I did just see some of the movie "Stephen King's The Night Flier" on cable. Not so good. But that's not HIS fault, god damn it. )

 

Then the sad truth occurred to me. This was the Ferrer who ran for mayor a few years ago. I think. Freddy Ferrer? Sigh. And as I walked along, I stopped the whistling and the whole bit and just stood on the street corner and wept bitter tears, longing for a better Ferrer sighting where no better Ferrer sighting existed. And by that, I mean that I came into work, made some green tea, and started working. And by THAT I mean, I came and wrote this to you. Also, I didn't "make" the green tea. It was pretty much already there in a little bag.

 

I think having a job is doing things to my brains. I don't know how people do this shit year in and year out, I have to tell you.

Karl Rove was not indicted for leaking!

I don't understand how that's possible. He certainly LOOKS guilty. No good person looks like that, I promise you. I wonder if it's because the word "indicted" is pronounced in-DITE-ed, but it's spelled with that total freakout of a C in the middle there. I've always found that C to be more than a little disturbing. What does that C know that it isn't telling us? I'm guessing absolutely nothing, but who can be sure?  Knowing Karl Rove, I'll bet he used that to his advantage. Dirty bastard.

 

Oh great. Now I'm going to face attack ads engineered by Karl Rove for calling him a dirty bastard. And YOU'RE going to be sued just for reading about it. I'm not being paranoid here, people. It happens. Happens every day. Some days it happens thrice. Yeah. I said it. I said "thrice." I figure if I've got the NSA crawling up into my crawlspace, I might as well go the whole 9 yards with it. Oh and I just want you to know that I fully understand that football reference that I just made. Well, actually I don't. You have to go ten yards before anything really good happens in football (if even then.) So I don't know why we are told to be so impressed by going the whole 9. It's a scam people. Wake up! Wake up! Arise and fight!

 

What is this post about, people? It's about a need to type things, my babies. Sometimes I post things, and sometimes my fingers do it for me. Either way, you come out a winner. And I come out a loser. I thank you and good night. If it isn't nighttime when you read this, just wait awhile. It'll happen. Mark my words.

 

Sincerely,

 

I'm So Bored at Work, I'm Considering Peeing My Pants Just for the Scandal

Soccer? (I barely even know 'er. Hayyyyo!)

Ok, I only have one small observation about soccer. For a game that freaking long, they have some balls to allow there to be a tie. What the hell is that?

"Oh, you know what? Win, lose, whatever. The point is, we both did great. Let's just stop now and admire the long, slow road we took to get here."

Dear American Airlines

Hi! Remember me? I'm the guy who flew on your airline twice in 4 days. Remember how you showed the teen mermaid movie, "Aquamarine" both times? Yeah? Me too. I can't get it out of my head. But I bet you're thinking that you have taken the crown for worst aviatial double feature in history, right?

 

Wrong.

 

The year was 1996. The seas were stormy, my friends. I was on a bus, so it didn't really matter how the seas were. The important thing is that you are my friends, and that you understand the ambience situation. The shit was coming down, is all I'm getting at. Actually, I can't remember what the weather was like. But had the weather been in some way tuned into my soon-to-be-movie-viewing experience, well, giant poops would have been flying out of the sky. Face-seeking poops honing in on each and every one of us.

 

See, now I've got nowhere to go. All I was trying to say is that ten years ago I saw Squanto: A Warrior's Tale on a bus, twice in a single weekend. And on a bus, you can't just not buy the headphones like with Aquamarine. You had to hear the whole thing. In space no one can hear you scream, but on a bus no one...well, no one cares, I guess. Maybe it's "On a bus, everyone can smell your B.O."

 

Incidentally, American Airlines, I just wanted to let you know that I got the gist of Aquamarine, even without sound. Basically, 2 girls are in love with a lifeguard who likes the hot, mean girl. Then they find a mermaid who makes out with the lifeguard they love. For some reason, they are happy about this. Everybody cries at some point. Did I miss anything?

 

Please send me a transcript of the film at your earliest convenience. Or just an old, shit-smeared pillowcase since that seems to have been what they were working with when they made the film.

 

I thank you.

 

-mac 

Things to Do Before Hitting the Desert

Hello all. I'm back from my desert adventure. I have learned things, people. Learned lessons that will help you live your lives, I have. And I will now share them with you. Should you decide to check out the desert, here are some things that you must do first:

• LIKE BROWN: If you don't really enjoy the color brown, Albuquerque is going to be rough on you, I'm telling you right now. There is a city ordinance that says buildings have to look like adobe. Seriously. Everything is brown. And everything that you buy to put on your property is also the same color brown.  So you can go to a McDonald's that looks just like a Spanish mission. And sit outside under brown umbrellas at brown picnic tables. If you want to, I'm saying.
  
• READ YOUR ITINERARY: I can't stress this enough people. JFK airport is NOT, nor will it ever be LaGuardia airport, even if you are really, really late and almost miss your flight because you went to the former instead of the latter. Not that anyone, er, ever DOES this. Surely no. I'm just saying that it would be...ah...a bad thing for YOU to do.
• LOVE CAB DRIVER NAMES: A lot has been made of the very, very foreign spellings of cabbie names. But I had two cab drivers this weekend, and both were not only completely pronounceable, but 100% delightful. Here they are: Lancelot Gibson, and Man Peter. I feel like they might be moonlighting as spammers.

Oh, and regarding my last post -- I did not see an actual lizard, but I DID see a lizard PERSON. She was every bit as terrifying as any lizard. Or at least as terrifying as a lizard's brother.