Things to Do When it's Wicked Hot

Hello, gentle reader(s). It's hot in my home. I don't do well in the heat. I was made for flannel. And flannel was made for me. And if you don't like it, well you can take it up with my congressman. I'm not 100% sure who that is, nor am I certain that it falls within his or her purview to help you. Or 'purrview' if you like. Or 'perv=you' if that's what you need to continue onward into this post. Personally (or pursonally), I don't really care what you do at this point. It's too hot to care.

But what I will do, sans care, is to suggest some things you can do to beat the heat. Or at least to beat the next 80 seconds or so as you read the rest of this post. Or just to 'spend' those seconds, while the heat beats you like it was your daddy.

How to Beat the Heat!
by Jeff Mac, the guy who writes everything on this blog.

• Stab someone with a fork, and then shout, "Just kidding!" as you run away.
• When your significant other comes into the room, don't get up or acknowledge them in any way. Wait until it gets really uncomfortable. (Depending upon the state of your relationship, this waiting period can be as long as 45 seconds, or just instantaneous). Once he/she begins to wonder if you're ok, say with absolutely no emotion whatsoever, "Surprise." And then go back to ignoring them. Do this until autumn, or until they sing something by Gilbert & Sullivan.
• Butter your floors and pretend to be a really unhealthy grilled cheese sandwich. Repeatedly have the argument with yourself that you would be MUCH healthier if he had used cooking spray. When asked who 'he' is, blink once and say, "Why, the lord."
• Rant and rave about how the heat is a result of global warming. When someone asks you how come winters are still cold, sing the last phrase of the song "Ebb Tide" and burst into flames. (This is a FUN one!)
• Hire a mariachi band to follow you around playing old Corey Hart songs*, but refuse to admit that you hear or see them.

Well, that's it. Too tired to wrap up.

*Is there another type of Corey Hart songs besides 'old'? Gosh I hope so.