Aaaand, premise complete!
Here are some of our beliefs:
- The Buddy System: Like Scientology, we will target celebrities. But we will pair them up in fun and interesting ways, and the "buddies" must hold hands at all times. For instance, we are going to target Ewan MacGregor and Shaquille O'Neal. They must always hold hands, even during NBA games when Shaq is on the court. The Miami Heat will have to hire Ewan at power forward to keep them close together, and they will probably have to alter a lot of their plays. When asked why they are holding hands, both buddies will emphatically deny that they are doing so, and insist that they are the victims of religious persecution.
- Fantasy Tax: Anytime a member of my religion has a sexual fantasy about anyone else, they must ask that person for a 5 cent fee using a bullhorn or a concert-grade PA system. The rationale is that you are spending your mental energy trying to please them sexually, and you deserve some small compensation. The amplification is there to show that you are comfortable with yourself and you are not ashamed of your sexual impulses.
- Pilgrimage: Like many religions, we have holy sites that our members are required to visit at least one time in their lives. Our holy sites are Northern California, South Africa, and Australia, the homes of the world's population of great white sharks. Once at the holy site, you must reflect upon your sins while swimming in the ocean, wearing a seal costume smeared in blood. Whatever happens next is exactly what you deserve.
There are many, many more requirements for joining my new religion, but I can not reveal them here as they could be dangerous to the minds and souls of the unprepared person. Also, I'm charging $5,000 bucks for them so scram, you.
5 comments:
In one of the many 'not so useful' books I own.. there is a little quip .. that says, 'I'm a frisbeetarian. I believe that when you die your soul goes up on the roof where no-one can get it down'..
Quite a system you got here-- ritually complex, yet cosmologically vague. You ARE in the CIA!
Miss Wendy, you bring up an interesting point. I'm going to have to come up with a name for this religion or it will never catch on.
Sarah, I'm afraid you know too much. There's a poison assassination pellet on its way to your house. If you could please take it upon receipt (signing for it first, of course) we'd really appreciate it.
The Buddy System is hilarious! Please recruit me as soon as I am famous.
Oh, we've already got big plans for you. The moment you become famous, you are scheduled to be paired up with either the lead singer of Air Supply or Linda Lavin ASAP.
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