In fact, nearly everyone is afraid of sharks. I think it has to do with the fact that they bite us sometimes. I don't care that you are nearly 10 times more likely to be killed by a falling coconut (apparently that's true.) You just try to come up with some scary theme music for falling coconuts. No? Yeah, thought so.
Anyway, the point is this. Sharks have fears too. Fears that can be exploited if you are ever attacked. Here's are the top fears that sharks have, and how to use them to your advantage:
- Fear of Speaking in Front of a Group. It's just like humans. So, if you are being attacked, immediately put on a nametag and say something like, "I'm really looking forward to your presentation -- how do you handle the pressure?" Either that or take out your travel podium and hit them in the nose with it.
- Fear of Commitment. Sure, sharks are all aggression* and teeth when they are coming at you, but let them get the hint that you are looking for something more permanent and they are out the door. Consider asking the shark to help you move, or leaving an extra toothbrush at its apartment**.
- Fear of Success. This is a little known and lesser understood aspect of the shark psyche. A deep seated self-esteem problem where the shark does not believe it deserves to devour you. When you are about to be attacked, try saying something like, "Wow, attacking a person. You're really taking on quite a lot. It's so great that you feel ready for such a big accomplishment!"
- Fear of Intimacy. If a shark has already bitten you, spoon with it. Nothing sexual, just let the shark know how close you feel to it. And if that doesn't work, whisper, "What are you thinking?"
- Fear of Abandonment. When a shark is circling you, let him know that if he doesn't stop, you will leave the ocean.
Good luck. I hope that your confidence in my theories isn't in any way shaken by the fact that I refuse to test them. Enjoy!
*I had to do the old football cheer in my head to remember how to spell this. That's called 'full disclosure,' people. Look it up.
** I seriously doubt that most sharks have apartments. I mean, look at them. Do they look like they are RENTING? No, I don't think so.
4 comments:
Are sharks also afraid of footnotes? Have they become your metaphorical shark cage?*
*metaphorically speaking, of course
Actually, sharks LOVE footnotes. Or I should say they are compelled to read all of them before moving on.
That's why I always swim with an asterisk painted on my chest. While the shark is looking down at the bottom of the ocean for the footnote, I can get away clean.
One must take care with one's footnotes. A short, flipperish footnote, for example, may be confused for that of a harbor seal.
Oh, absolutely, Fisch. That goes without saying. Also, you have to be very, very careful of trying to outwit a shark with ENDnotes.
Sharks are compulsive and all, but they find endnotes to be too disruptive to the thread of the main body of the piece, and may just chomp you in half, promising themselves that they'll go back and look at the endnotes later.
Dudes, it happens.
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