The End is Near!

...or so said a sign written in magic marker on one of the many carboard boxes that belonged to a homeless man I saw this morning. He had a shopping cart filled with boxes, clothes, a lamp, and a rolly desk chair on top.

 

Suggestion: if the end is truly near, maybe you lighten your load a little. For starters, I know you've been holding out for that secretarial work but I think you can probably let the desk chair go. Hey, even if I'm wrong, most office work is on a, "You do the work, let US worry about the chair," sort of basis.

 

I saw a street lunatic earlier this week. He was having a conversation with a giant pile of blankets. But then he stopped to fix his hair. And I thought, "Way to pick your battles, sir." He senses he's not going to improve his situation all at once. He's got too much stacked against him, what with the homelessness, the total poverty, the hygiene and of course the insanity. But that doesn't mean you can't feel pretty.

A Haiku to Commemorate My Ten Thousandth Hit

Well, the hitcounter at the bottom of this page tells me that I've hit five figures on the page view counter (and it tells you that, too, if you would only listen. Oh, if you would only listen! But nay. to be continued...)

 

And that means that it's time to write a Haiku to let you know how I feel about it. That's how I roll, if you will. Will you? Gosh, I know I will.

 

On My Ten Thousandth

by Jeff Mac

 

my 10,000th hit

what an occasion for me

someone flick my ear*

 

*The meaning of this line has been argued by scholars for over one second. The true intention of the line is lost because the author wasn't paying close attention, even though he was writing it himself.

Karl Rove steps down!

Well, sort of.

 

I know the big news is about Scott McClellan resigning as press secretary, but Karl Rove is also changing his role in the administration. He's not quitting entirely, of course. But he is no longer going to be in charge of shaping White House policy. He said that while he enjoyed working with that side of things, he was happy to get back to his true calling, destroying the lives of people who get in his way.

Taxes Are Due

Well, your taxes are due by midnight tonight. It's a very stressful time, especially if you make more money than I did last year, I bet. Here are a few last-minute things to remember while you are preparing your taxes:

1. Before you begin a numbered list of things to tell people, you should really have thought of several items that might GO on such a list. Or even one.
2. Don't forget to claim your arms and legs as dependents. Where would they be without you? Nowhere, that's where. Frigging ingrates.
3. Deduct everything. And deduct it FROM everything. It's the only way. I don't really know what I mean.
4. If you smudge the ink on your tax forms, maybe they will make a mistake and refund all of your taxes! Maybe not, sure, but do you really want to take that chance? I know that I certainly don't want you to. Isn't it worth the fines and jailtime for a chance to do something that I've told you to do?
5. Always use an accountant, preferably one who is actually an accountant, and not just a kitty with a collar that says "accountant" on it.
6. When mailing your form, make sure to use standard, regulation mailboxes or post offices. Never simply throw your tax forms into the ocean, even at a moment when you are feeling especially "maily." I'm sure we've all been burned by this one, and it's not worth it.

I hope you are all enjoying our annual "How much do I owe you for those tax cuts for the rich?" ritual, and I hope you all get hammered this evening. Make sure you deduct any money that you spend tonight from your wallet.

Interesting Choices

I just saw a guy in a black leather vest and the worst toupee anyone has ever thought of. I think it was from the, "Oh Why Bother, You're Not Fooling Anyone" line. And he was dressed for, you know, work in a normal office. (I only bring that up because it's not like he was the mop boy at Flashdancers or something. If that were the case, don't change a thing. Sweet look, fella.)

 

I honestly think he could put the leather vest on his head and strap the toupee onto his back, and get away with it. Actually, I'd be interested to see how many more "Wow, you look GREAT today" compliments he gets.

 

(sigh) None of us get to wear jeans, meanwhile he gets to dress like a serial killer And nobody says anything. Well, not to his face, anyway.

Fixing Our Schools: The Bush Plan

Ok, it's hard to understand our President's plans sometimes. He's a complex thinker, and it's not always so easy to crack into that logic. But I'm here to help. Here's what I understand to be the Bush plan on education:

 

STEP 1: Give students standardized tests.

STEP 2: If they fail the tests, punish the schools by taking away their money.

STEP 3: Fearing budget cuts, everyone becomes a genius.

 

Now, at first glance, this might seem like telling a starving person, "Ok, you better start putting on some weight or I'm putting you on a diet, mister." But that is oversimplifying the issue to the point of, you know, truth.

 

The real issue is this: Teachers are lazy. They have grown content on their merely poverty-level salaries. In short, they have lost the eye of the tiger. We need to trim the fat out of those budgets to make room for younger, hungrier teachers who hum the theme from Rocky on the way to work.

 

You can see how this plan could be a total success in President Bush's mind. In a sense, the less learning our children absorb, the more presidential they will become.

See me on ComedyCentral.com! NOW!!!

Hey everybody. I taped an episode of Comedy Central's new standup show, "Live at Gotham" this weekend. It was pretty much one of the best days of my life, I have to tell you. The show doesn't air until the summer (June was the last I heard) but they've got a short clip of my set up there on their website.

 

Check it out HERE.

 

Ferret Alternative

Ok, if there's one issue that has been plaguing us all, day and night, it is the issue of whether or not a ferret is a proper pet. Obviously there are more issues, but this is definitely number one.

 

We need to reduce our dependence upon ferrets as pets. I know that only eleven people have them, but until that number reaches zero, I will pretend to care about this cause.

 

I would like to submit to you my opinion that rather than electing to buy a ferret as a pet, you would be served quite well by just buying a shovel.

 

3 Reasons Why a Shovel is a Better Pet than a Ferret:

• A shovel recognizes you when you come home at night. No? Well, guess what? Neither does a ferret. Sure, it might run up to you and bite your foot and then run away, sure. And I might be impressed by that level of 'affection' if the ferret didn't behave that way towards every object on the earth. He's not going, "Hey! It's that person I love!" He's thinking, "Hey -- a THING! I LOVE things!!! I will chew it/her/him!!!" Ferrets don't know who you are. Ferrets don't know who they are. All they know is that shiny is awesome.
• A shovel doesn't smell like a dead skunk that wiped its ass with an onion.
• You can use your shovel to dig a hole in which to bury ferrets. Convenient!

The Logic of the Dress Code

I know I've written about this before but, well, the tie is chafing me somthin' turrible today. And so, being the enlightened being that many of you have no reason to believe that I am not, I will now try to understand why business attire is required in an office.

 

Ok, let's say they lifted the dress code. You still have to do your job and look neat, but you can wear jeans and sneakers and such. Well, if you're wearing sneakers, you might get the urge to run somewhere. And we all know that criminals run places. Sometimes they do it before a crime, sometimes afterwards. Either way, you will have murdered someone. This will make meetings increasingly more difficult to schedule.

 

The jeans will turn you into a cowboy almost immediately. You will leap up on the fax table screaming, "Yeeeeeeeha!!!!" and you'll do a little step dancing. Now, at that point, what if a fax comes in. Everyone in the office will be so busy clapping and dancing and playing fiddles that they might miss that fax entirely. A sobering thought. So jeans are out.

 

And finally, the tie. Well, this one's obvious. If anyone from a rival company challenges you to a duel with fencing foils, your tie-less neck will be that much more vulnerable to injury, making you a serious insurance liability. Also, if you aren't wearing a tie, you might actually spend a moment of your day free of the thought that your job is choking the life out of you.

 

I hope that this has made you all feel much, much better about wearing office attire. Golly, I know it's changed my life forever and ever.

RAWR!!!!!

That's what I'd say if I were a lion with a blog. Hey folks, that's the way technology's going. I mean am I right, or am I right? Pretty soon, a LION on the SerenGETi will be able to EMAIL his prey and---

 

(We hear the unmistakable sounds of blogger being garrotted. Yeah, that's right - "unmistakable." The sound of a blogger being garrotted is very distinct from, say, an attorney being garrotted. Their necks have a very different consistency and the musicality of the kill is far more...sigh...look, the point is that the guy just had his head sawed off with piano wire. Why? Because that's how it is. Come on, baby, you know how I do.)

 

[We now hear the slightly more mistakable sounds of a blogger assassin being chloroformed. It doesn't happen as often so we might mistake these sounds for the ones made when a rhino doesn't understand a math problem. Or when a jaguar discards a handpuppet. All very similar to the human ear. These are sounds that --]

 

{An assassination noise commentator is beaten with an old IBM electric typewriter. Not a Smith Corona, you say? Don't even try it.}

 

No one. NO one has the slightest idea what this blog entry was about. Least of all me, your host, Jeff Mac.

 

~With that, we hear the sound of Jeff Mac hang gliding into a volcano only to realize at the last moment that lava is wicked hot.~

And Now, Introducing....

Ok, I'm in a panic trying to think of what I can have them say to introduce me on "Live @ Gotham" this Sunday. Here's what I'm working with so far.

• This next comic hails from Connecticut. And nobody gives a shit about that. Least of all him. Give it up for Jeff Mac!
• (alternate version) ...hails from CT, but he promises that he left the moment they let him.
• You might have seen this next comic...ahhhh....on this show? Or at his house if you were ever over there. He hangs out there all the time, actually. Jeff Mac, ladies and gentlemen!
• This next guy...he has a brain. Sometimes he uses it for good, sometimes for eville. Put your hands together for Mr. Jeff Mac.
• Here's a guy you could bring home to meet your family and trust that he won't say what he thinks of them until they're out of earshot! Jeff Mac!!!

Dear Unsatisfied Readers,

...or so I assume you must be with the almost total lack of blogularity here at the home of Jeff Mac. I have the same excuse I always have...ah...a feeble one? I've been wicked busy getting ready for my Gotham taping on 4/2, and I haven't been able to post nonsense on here. For this, I grieve.

 

Here are 5 reasons why I love you all:

1. You are reading this right now. If you're not reading this right now, well, I probably love you too. But at a distance, you understand. And I'm not saying I want ANY of you in my home.
2. You are all better than average looking (at least!) Don't ask me how I know this, but I do. Suffice it to say that my knowledge in this matter involves a Ouija board and frequent email contact with my familiar, a frog named Nicodaemus.
3. You all put out when the mood strikes you. And not in a slutty way. Well, not in a negatively charged slutty way.
4. You find the time for the art of self-love. This one is totally a guess. But it's a correct guess, so I think that should count.
5. You have staggeringly good taste. Almost embarrassingly good. Well, all except for you. No, YOU. Exactly.

I hope to become far less busy in the near future, at which time the nonsense will continue to flow like milk and honey in the land of same name. Which, by the way, sounds absolutely disgusting, for what that's worth.

 

-mac

Erin go Br--ohwillyoupleaseshutthehellup?

I was walking through midtown today, wishing I had superpowers and a bag of priceless diamonds, when I came across a giant crew of fratfolk, already drunk by noon, screaming at the tops of their lungs and jump-hugging one another. I was amazed at the sheer optimism that they were going to have THAT good a time just because it's St. Patrick's Day.

 

News flash: You're still, you know, YOU. You're just wearing more green than you usually do while sitting around getting hammered with your moron friends. And that little dude who no one ever pays any attention to is now being ignored while wearing a green Cat-in-the-Hat hat. We're not exactly through the looking glass, people.

 

Good luck to you, drunkies. I really hope you have as much fun as you seem to think you're going to. But unless you bump into Willy Wonka or Carmen Electra, my confidence is low. I'm thinking that it's just going to be more barfing and slut-hopping, but with a charming Irish brogue.

Abu Gharaib Closing Doors For Good! All Religion-based Humiliation Must Go!

Ok, so what? So we're closing Abu Gharaib? That doesn't mean we did anything "wrong" ok? Greatness is never fully appreciated until after it's gone. Like with Vincent van Gogh. He never sold a painting in his lifetime and look at him now!

 

Granted, Abu Gharaib prison never permanently redefined modern painting as we know it. But then again, van Gogh never hooked up a car battery to anybody's nuts. So let's just call it a draw.

Finally, a Meaty Role for Ice Cube

Well, it was announced that they are making a film version of the popular 1970's sitcom, Welcome Back Kotter, with rapper/actor Ice Cube in the title role made famous by Gabe Kaplan (who was the Ice Cube of his day.) I'm sure Kaplan must be excited to pass the torch to his logical successor.

 

In other news, they are doing a remake of Malcolm X and we've heard casting rumors about George Clooney, Rob Schneider, and of course, Gabe Kaplan who has an edge since Malcolm X often referred to himself as the Gabe Kaplan of his day.

Approval Ratings? They don't need no stinking Approval Ratings.

So Bush's numbers keep going down and down and down. They are lower than they have ever been. If this trend continues, he's either going to have to juggle chainsaws or marry the Fonz or something. I don't even know what that would entail, but I must admit that in either case he would actually go up in my estimation.

 

Then again, with me his numbers have nowhere to go BUT up. He could molest* a raccoon and it wouldn't lower my opinion of him.

 

 

*I only use that word because I'm assuming the raccoon in question would be under age. If the raccoon consents though, hell, roger the thing silly, Mr. President!

Remote Controlled Sharks? Check

Ok so the other day, DARPA -- I can't be bothered to look up what the acronym means, just think "mad scientists creating stuff with which to kill folk" -- have a project in the works for remote controlled sharks. Actual sharks that respond to electrical doodads. I'm ordering one as soon as I...uh...become the Secretary of Defense. (Hey, I can't be that much worse than Rumsfeld.)

 

I wonder if the guys who are designing regular killing equipment (guns, tanks, what have you) are jealous of those guys. I wonder if they think of them as the "Gallaghers" of the death-dealing technology world.

 

"Hacks. Getting all the press, making money from THAT? It's not about all the eye candy and fancy toys, you know. It's supposed to be about the killing. That's why I got into this business in the first place."

Jeff Mac to Appear on Comedy Central

Hello, my lovely chickens. Why 'chickens', you ask? Why not, I say.

 

Some of you have already heard about this (and some of you clever ones might have seen a reference to it over in the "see me live" section.) I'm going to be on Comedy Central! I mean, you read the subject line of this entry so it can't come as a complete shock. Calm down. Just breathe. Deep breaths. How many fingers am I holding up? No, I'm asking you, it's not a riddle. Hello? Call the coroner. That imaginary person just died of something.

 

Anyway, I found out last week that I will be on their new standup showcase called "Live at Gotham." The show tapes on April 2nd, and if you are in the city you should come on out and see the show! I'm assuming that the details can be found at http://www.gothamcomedyclub.com

 

If you are not able to come see that, keep watching this space and I'll warn you when it's going to air on Comedy Central. In case, you know, you live in Australia or Arkansas or something. Should be sometime this summer. And portions of it will be on their website even sooner. Yeeha!

First the Corn Palace, and now this?

I think people are misunderstanding South Dakota's governor's actions regarding the new anti-abortion bill he just signed. It's not about pro-life or Jesus or anything like that. It's just that someone in South Dakota finally realized that no one will ever move there, ever. If he didn't outlaw abortion, even babies wouldn't bother to go there.

 

Have you ever been to South Dakota? If not, let me draw you a picture. On second thought, I'll have YOU draw a picture. Take a blank, white piece of paper. Got it? Ok, that's South Dakota.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. Wall Drug is a fantastic world of doughnuts and ice water. Mount Rushmore has the distinct honor of being the only national landmark that is less impressive in person than it is on a postcard. And the Corn Palace, mentioned in the title of this post, well, that place speaks for itself. It's an arena covered in patriotic murals made out of different colored corn kernels? Seriously.

 

If they outlaw abortions in SD, they better outlaw one other thing: plane tickets out. Or else ain't nobody going to be left to man the Arby's.

Oscars Wrap Up

When will I ever learn? Why do I watch this show? It's like those 2 guys who watch the muppet show, but hate it every time. Except at least they got to watch the muppet show.

 

Sadly, as a comic, I watch in case somebody has a meltdown that I might find hilarious. (They did not. The closest was...oh...I don't know...when Lauren Bacall wasn't wearing her glasses and had a slightly dodgy time seeing the teleprompter clearly? Not exactly scandalous.)

 

Here's what I did learn.

• Phillip Seymour Hoffman watches NCAA basketball with his mom. So do I. Clearly that says to me that I am a great actor. Who knew? 
• I'm not a big fashion guy (you there, stop agreeing so loudly) but somebody needs to tell J-Lo's overachieving eyebrow plucker to take a couple of days off. Holy shit. And she might want to loosen that hairdo a little -- she looked like her face was going to snap and roll up like a window shade.
• Salma Hayek sounds like she is trying to lick everyone on the earth when she speaks. And for this service, I believe she should have won a special Oscar.
• When Ben Stiller was doing his greenscreen spoof and said, "This is blowing Steven Spielberg's mind!" you could read Spielberg's lips saying, "No it's not." Way to understand the joke, Steve.
• Please, Mr. Spielberg, still feel free to pay me a lot of money to do something, okay? I was just kidding!
• No, I wasn't. Unless he really IS reading this, in which case yes, yes I was.
• He's not reading this.
• I know.