My Name is Jack Bauer...

...and this will be the longest awards ceremony of my life. I just want to say that I am very excited that "24" did as well as it did at the Emmys. That means that I will get more and more and more of it, until Jack Bauer is old and infirm, and it takes him 3 episodes just to pee.

Here are ten reasons why 24 is awesome (and yes I can use the word "awesome" even though I am no longer a teenager in the 1980's):

1. There are so many reasons for 24's awesomeness, I can begin a list of ten reasons having absolutely ZERO ideas for items to fill such a list, and do so with total confidence that my list will be chock full of reasons nonetheless.
2. Being a fan of productivity, I am encouraged by Jack Bauer's ability to get things done within a 24 hour period. He doesn't have a dayplanner or anything. He just shoots and strangles on an ad hoc basis.
3. Jack Bauer may be a super secret badass, but he sure surrounds himself with some of the worst females on this earth. Every woman he ever loves is either a.) trying to kill him, b.) in love with some dork who is trying to kill him, or c.) bleeding from a gunshot wound that she received by behaving foolishly. Doesn't do much for the image of women in our world, but it does make for great television.
4. Chloe O'Brien is wonderfully maladjusted to society as we know it. She's the only person who I can imagine greeting a nuclear holocaust with rolled eyes, a sigh, and something under her breath like, "Oh, nice."
5. There are many in-show commercials for various tech gadgets that I, a good consumer, would like to purchase. Every episode has Jack using some super powered phone or laptop or PDA that I can see myself under-using with glee.
6. Like all wussy-boys, I imagine that if I were in Jack's place, I'd behave just like he does.
7. Everyone at the CTU office gets kidnapped, or kidnaps others, or both. This would make working at my job far more interesting.
8. Jack Bauer screams, "Who are you working for!" really loudly at least 5 times a day. (Even when he spends the day alone, he'll scream it at his breakfast if he has to.)
9. Jack's daughter wasn't a major player during last season. She's hot and all, but she can't stay un-kidnapped for more than about 15 minutes at a time.
10. Even though I can't think of a tenth reason, this show is so awesome that I don't even mind that fact.

Bad Sign

Dutch police arrested 12 people who were behaving "suspiciously" on a Northwest Airlines flight bound for India.

All I'm saying is, if you're behaving so strangely that the Dutch decide to crack down, well, you've got to be doing SOMEthing bad. Is there anything that is actually illegal over there? I think you can shoot heroin while stuntflying blindfolded in an old WWI biplane. Or at least a bi-curious plane. (Hey, it's the Dutch.)

Selling Out Part Deux: Special Ringtone Edition

I was just told that Comedy Central has put up a page on their site of ringtones featuring my voice! So...if you want me telling you that you have a call, you can now pay them to let you do that.

Um...yeah.

Or, alternatively, when you get a call, you can quickly give ME a call, and I'll tell you about the first call. Sure, you'll already know about it, but you'll get that personal Jeff Mac touch. And you can't put a price on that. (Fortunately, I can put a price on it.)

Here's the link. Silly, silly, silly.

My Ringtones on ComedyCentral.com!

Pick Your Battles, Dubya...

Today, Bush expressed concern over talk of an Iraqi civil war. Not the fact that there IS one, of course. Just the talk ABOUT it. They are free to have as civil a war as they want, but if anyone actually, you know, mentions it...well, that's when the terrorists win.

See, everyone? We're not just exporting democracy. We're exporting denial as well. And isn't that what makes democracy so great? (Making sure you don't mention anything that isn't great about it?)

Man, you don't post for a couple days...

...and look what happens in the world.

First of all, regarding the cease fire in the Middle East, let me just say one word: Whew! Boy, am I glad THAT'S all over, with all the violence and the hatred. Thank god they have finally stopped the fighting forever and ever, and will never start it again.

Jonbenet Ramsey's killer is now in L.A. awaiting indictment and trial and all of that. I'm a little disappointed. I mean, I'm glad they caught him, and he sure is creepy and all, but...it was a little creepier (i.e. more entertaining for ME) when I wasn't sure if it was her family or not. Hey, if the news is going to make a spectacle out of it, don't leave a brother hanging -- make it end up WEIRD, please.

I apologize for referring to myself as "a brother." While I am one, I'm not the kind that I implied I was in that statement.

Lastly, Saddam Hussein is refusing to enter a plea at his trial for genocide. You know what? Good for him. Stick it to 'em. And when they hang him, I think he should refuse to stop breathing. That'll really show them.

Let the selling out begin!

Well, I'm not the napkin. Turns out I was offered the role of the Paper Towel. This is just like all those old Hollywood stories where DeNiro reads for Sonny Corleone, but ultimately ends up playing young Vito.

Except, you know, it's a paper towel.

So if you happen to see a commercial for a grocery store (I'm not going to say the name, just suffice it to say it's just like any grocery story where you might STOP, and then you might do your SHOPping) look for the paper towel complaining about how expensive everything is. That will be me.

Oh, and to you industry types out there? I'm ready to sell out. I'm serious. I wish there were commercials for crack, I'd totally take that gig.

The Perks of Being Jeff Mac

Now, I don't want any of you to be jealous or anything, but I'm about to go on a callback audition to play the voice of a CGI animated napkin.

Seriously.

I'm not sure how that fits into my lifeplan, into which I had never incorporated any talking paper products. I guess I'll have to revise my self image.

Sorry, Lady...

I saw a woman on the train with a t-shirt that said:

"Don't judge a girl by her T-shirt!"

Unfortunately, I found myself disobeying that shirt's command almost immediately.

How to be Beaten by the Heat

Hello out there. No, you. Yes, y--...no, no, no. I'm talking to YOU. Right.

Hi.

My brains are addled and fried. I spent last night without air conditioning. Now, before you call me a wussy and say that I've had it too easy for too long, I'm way ahead of you. And you're right. And that's my point. I wasn't made for hard times. I'm just a pasty, doughy white man, trying to get by on my mediocre looks, and all the advantages that society likes to throw at such ethnic pieces of white toast with mayonnaise.

But it was hot. So hot. But I think that I found several good ways to beat the heat if you have no air conditioning:

1. First of all, you must immediately forget your firm resolution never to begin a numbered list until you have considered what you are going to put on the list. In apocalyptic inferno weather, that won't help you in the least.
2. Pretend that the sensation you're experiencing is you pouring acid onto your genitals. You might find yourself thinking, "You know, this is uncomfortable and all, and I am feeling a little woozy, but I have to say, I'm kind of relieved to notice that it's not THAT bad."
3. Refuse to drink any fluids. Why? Because that's just what they want you to do.
4. Buy the best fan you can find. Then, just throw that stupid thing away. It's not going to help you. It would be like wearing sunglasses while on the sun. Mm. Not a LOT like that. But enough like it that I'm going to move onto number 5, whatever it is.
5. Do double shots of sunscreen. It won't help keep you cool, but it might put you in the hospital and I'm almost positive they have air conditioning.

See you on the field of Armageddon!

Dear Mel Gibson

I'm not an anti-semite, and I don't think you should be either. However, since that is your choice, I think it is my duty to help in any way that I can. And I think you might be doing it wrong. For instance, you can't go into rehab to explain racism. It's just not going to cover it. Nobody ever says:

"Man, I was SO HAMMERED last night. Oh no...did I...? Wait a second...did I...denounce the Jews? Dude, I gotta lay off the sauce!"

It just doesn't really work for those of us who aren't, you know, crazy.

I don't know if the arresting officer was Jewish, but if he was I think you might have helped yourself out quite a bit by leaving out all the blame tossed at his race. (And even though I'm not Jewish myself, I betcha nothing makes a Jewish person more comfortable and relaxed than asking them the question, "Are you a Jew?" Bravo.)

Mostly though, Mr. Gibson, I really appreciate your thoroughness in your drunken tirade. (Alleged tirade, of course.) You slandered a race of people, you called one cop "sugar tits." You attempted to make a run for it when you were asked to get into the squad car. You even did the celebrity standby, your own version of, "I OWN THIS TOWN!!" In comedy, we call that a "grand slam." So thanks for that lumberjack's breakfast, something for everyone loss of sanity.

-mac

Thanks!

Hey everybody,

Thanks so much to those of you who watched the show on Friday night. And for those of you who did not, well, it IS Comedy Central, so I'm sure they'll be playing it every couple of days for the next 19 years.

Seriously, it was definitely the highest point of my career to date, and one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me, period. I look forward to the next one, whenever that may be (and you're all coming to the taping, by the way, so start picking out outfits.)

See you soon!

-mac

Tonight! Me! On Television! You LIKE Television!

Hey everybody,

Just a reminder that tonight at 11pm E.S.T. you can see me from the comfort of your own home on Comedy Central. You can sit on your couch, eat Kraft macaroni and cheese, you can smear ice cream all over the back of your neck in an effort to keep cool if you want to. Hey, it's your house. I'm certainly not going to judge you. I've lived alone long enough to know that the things one does in the privacy of their own home are, while shameful, nobody's bidness but their own. The important thing is that you look at moving pictures of me while you're doing it. Ok, I just got a little grossed out.

And I also wanted to say thanks to everybody who's been so supportive and awesome. And also to the people who have NOT been that way, but have made themselves easy to ignore. Either way, I come out a winner. Thanks, y'all. (Yeah, I went to college in North Carolina. What of it?)

See you on the other side,

-mac

See Jeff Mac on the TEEvee--Friday Night!!!

Hey everybody,

I just wanted to let you know that my episode of Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham" will air this Friday, July 28th at 11pm E.S.T. Check your local listings and you can see MY NAME right there in the guide! If you have special circumstances, see my official workarounds below.

• If you live in, say, Australia...well, I don't know how much Comedy Central programming you folks get down there. If you don't get any at all, just look at a wallaby and imagine me saying funny things. It might not give you the same effect, but it will be super fun, I'm sure of it.
• If you are reading this from Iraq, feel free to do the same thing but with a grenade or something. (Please be careful.)
• If you have children and find it difficult to find time to watch television, you've got a good 4 and a half days to put them up for adoption.
• If you don't have a TV, bake one of your kinfolk a gooseberry pie and mayhap they'll let you set a spell in front of THEIR talky box.
• If you have a TV but no cable, please tell me how great PBS is again. I never get tired of hearing about that.
  

Seriously, if you get a chance, check it out. I'm really excited! When I saw my name on the onscreen guide, I almost dropped a deuce in my pants.

I love you all, you magnificent bastards.

-mac

Dear Guy in the Restroom:

I am writing to you regarding the moment when you were alone at the urinal and you farted like a trombone. Thanks for adding, "Wow." It kind of made my day.

Sincerely,

Jeff Mac

WARNING!

I noticed recently that movie warnings are more specific than they used to be. I think it was when I saw a preview for a vampire movie that was rated R due to, among other things, "Vampire Violence." Seriously.



Only in America do parents need more information than 'Violence' to decide whether or not to bring the kids. "Welllll, what KIND of violence? In our house, we allow the kids to see around eleven types. We only forbid them to watch squirrel violence, ice cream man violence, and Frankenstein violence. Which kind does your movie provide?"


And with the sex and nudity, it's all very vague. 'Mild' Sexual Content or 'Strong' Sexual Content. Or 'Extra Crispy'. And with Nudity, it's not even that much. Just 'Brief' or...regular? Which is nowhere NEAR specific enough for me. If I'm going to have to look at Harvey Keitel's balls, I'm going to need a few minutes to clear some headspace for that image. I can't be going in thinking Hollywood Nudity and getting Beloved But Out Of Shape Character Actor From The Days Of Yore Nudity. That's not good for you.


And finally, there's "Adult Situations." Given that the above two are already accounted for, I'm not sure what's left. I guess it's basically just saying, "Look, this isn't for children, and we're not really sure why." But what could it be? Gratuitous shots of someone saving a receipt for tax purposes? Or maybe just someone going, "You know, this bar soap is just messy. I think I'm going to get squirt-bottle handsoap." That, my friends, is an Adult Situation.

Dear My Blog:

Why have you not been updated by me in, like, a week? What's going on? I've compiled a short list of possible reasons for your reprehensible lack of being updated by me:

1. The blogger in question (yours truly) has been spending his time announcing lists for which he has not yet thought of any contents. Like, you know, this one. This is probably disheartening for you, the receptacle into which such lists eventually are put.
2. The grammar in list item #1, while lovely, is annoyingly correct. I'd think that might bother you. I'm not wild about it either, if that makes you feel any better.
3. The internet was broken, and so I couldn't update you. Yeah, I'd think someone might have noticed. Or said something on the news like, "The internet is down, productivity soars," or "The internet is down, office workers begin beating each other to death with office furniture."
4. Absolutely nothing amusing happened for 7 full days.
5. It's too hot for humor. New York City feels like someone slit open a dead body and shoved me inside of it. Not unlike that creature that Han Solo cut open to keep Luke Skywalker warm in the beginning of "The Empire Strikes Back."
6. Maybe you were depressed by the fact that I know the name of the species of creature mentioned in #5.
7. It's a tautaun.

 

Bong-Bong!!!

How much "Law & Order" can one person watch? My answer is the same one that some alcoholics will give when asked how much they drink per day. "Well...all of it."

 

I love it so much. If you played that "bong-bong" noise out of context, I think I would begin to drool.

 

I drool anyway, but that's more out of laziness than any Pavlovian training. It's something I'm working on, and not something that I feel the need to defend to you people.

 

Ok, I apologize. That was, in fact, pretty defensive. If we were on Law & Order, and I had died shortly following that comment, that snarky coroner lady would be describing how my body showed signs of defensive wounds. You know, scuffs and scratches, skin under the fingernails. They'd be able to get your DNA and you'd be just about to get away with it, but Sam Waterston would find some sneaky way to get out of a plea bargain he had made with you, and you'd go down for the full 25 to life.

 

Oh, TV. Do you see what you do to me when you go on summer rerun vacation? If you drive me to a life of taking walks, reading books and talking with loved ones, I swear to god I'm going to do something that, given enough clues, will raise Jerry Orbach from the dead to bring me to justice.

Revenge

Dear Tattooed People Who Are Cooler Than I Am,

 

I just saw a 75 year old man with the barbed wire tattoos around his "biceps." Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Have fun, everybody!!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Dorky McNoTattoos

 

 

Thank you, Jacques Cousteau

I recently recorded a television program about famed marine biologist/explorer, Jacques Cousteau's son getting into a submersible that looks and moves like a great white shark. I haven't seen the show yet, so I won't comment on the moronity of such an act just yet. I will say this -- that's just one of the first steps in what was a lifelong dream of Cousteau's.

1.  First Cousteau went down there in a shark cage or a sub.
   
2. Then, his son builds a sub that looks like a shark.
   
3. His grandson then builds a special camera that he can bring with him inside an actual LIVING great white shark. (He had to build a special camera because otherwise they wouldn't give him the grant to just go out and essentially "wear" a shark.)
   
4. Cousteau's GREAT grandson just shoots himself in the mouth with a speargun while shouting "Sharks!"
5. His great-great grandson embarrasses his wife at parties by putting a jellyfish in his pants.
6. Finally, his great-great grandson just pees into the ocean every Fourth of July.
   

A masterful life.

Thought on Swimming...

At this point, how much of the Earth's oceans are just pure fish pee?