Shoddy Antichristing

During the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve, the History Channel showed all of their End-of-the-World-Disaster shows. I guess the thinking is that during that season, the total destruction of the Earth doesn't sound so bad. At that point, I'm usually rooting for it. And by the way I spend money in December, I'm actually sort of counting on it. Like, as a financial plan (i.e. "Sure I can buy this iPod. When the asteroid hits, I won't even have to worry about my monthly minimum payment.")

Anyway, several of these shows talked about the Antichrist and his role in the impending Armageddon. And by the way he is described, you almost immediately realize that he doesn't have a freaking chance.

POOR IMAGE MANAGEMENT

First of all, he's described as having 5 heads. Ok, I'm not too religious so maybe I don't know all the ins and outs of this process, but who's not going to see that guy coming? I think even the most secular of us would at least have a, "Hold on a second, there's something funny about that fella," moment with this thing.

Are there really going to be people saying, "Hey, hey, hey, let's just hear the Beast out, ok? That first head has some really interesting ideas about health care. And the third head is hilarious. Plus, I think that fifth head is into me, so don't embarrass me."

WEAK SYNERGY WITH THE C.O.S.

Ok, another problem - the Church of Satan doesn't worship the Antichrist. (I looked them up when I found out that Sammy Davis Jr. used to be a member. Seriously.) What the hell is going on? You're the devil and you can't get the Church of Satan behind you? That's just sloppy Antichristing. I think he should tell them to get onboard or else take that S-word off their letterhead, mugs, t-shirts, temp tatoos, velvet cloaks, etc.

TERRIBLE NAME-BRANDING

That name - Antichrist. You're defining yourself as not-the-other-guy, and we all know how that sort of thing works out (John Kerry, I'm looking at you, buddy). You have no identity, and you're giving your opponent free advertising every time someone says your name. Terrible marketing. Do you think that Blimpie's would ever call itself The AntiSubway? Not on your life, Sally. (Sally?)

Let's say that I was the Antichrist. I'd fix all of this stuff right away. I don't even know how you get that sort of a gig. Probably, you have to know somebody or be related to Satan or something. All I'm saying is that I think they could do worse than me. Nobody would see me coming, that's for sure. And I could certainly use the money.

So, during my term as Antichrist (if it even happens), I'd just call myself Jeff Mac. And I'd start referring to Jesus as the "AntiJeffMac."

Boy, that would show them.