RAWR!!!!!

That's what I'd say if I were a lion with a blog. Hey folks, that's the way technology's going. I mean am I right, or am I right? Pretty soon, a LION on the SerenGETi will be able to EMAIL his prey and---

 

(We hear the unmistakable sounds of blogger being garrotted. Yeah, that's right - "unmistakable." The sound of a blogger being garrotted is very distinct from, say, an attorney being garrotted. Their necks have a very different consistency and the musicality of the kill is far more...sigh...look, the point is that the guy just had his head sawed off with piano wire. Why? Because that's how it is. Come on, baby, you know how I do.)

 

[We now hear the slightly more mistakable sounds of a blogger assassin being chloroformed. It doesn't happen as often so we might mistake these sounds for the ones made when a rhino doesn't understand a math problem. Or when a jaguar discards a handpuppet. All very similar to the human ear. These are sounds that --]

 

{An assassination noise commentator is beaten with an old IBM electric typewriter. Not a Smith Corona, you say? Don't even try it.}

 

No one. NO one has the slightest idea what this blog entry was about. Least of all me, your host, Jeff Mac.

 

~With that, we hear the sound of Jeff Mac hang gliding into a volcano only to realize at the last moment that lava is wicked hot.~

And Now, Introducing....

Ok, I'm in a panic trying to think of what I can have them say to introduce me on "Live @ Gotham" this Sunday. Here's what I'm working with so far.

• This next comic hails from Connecticut. And nobody gives a shit about that. Least of all him. Give it up for Jeff Mac!
• (alternate version) ...hails from CT, but he promises that he left the moment they let him.
• You might have seen this next comic...ahhhh....on this show? Or at his house if you were ever over there. He hangs out there all the time, actually. Jeff Mac, ladies and gentlemen!
• This next guy...he has a brain. Sometimes he uses it for good, sometimes for eville. Put your hands together for Mr. Jeff Mac.
• Here's a guy you could bring home to meet your family and trust that he won't say what he thinks of them until they're out of earshot! Jeff Mac!!!

Dear Unsatisfied Readers,

...or so I assume you must be with the almost total lack of blogularity here at the home of Jeff Mac. I have the same excuse I always have...ah...a feeble one? I've been wicked busy getting ready for my Gotham taping on 4/2, and I haven't been able to post nonsense on here. For this, I grieve.

 

Here are 5 reasons why I love you all:

1. You are reading this right now. If you're not reading this right now, well, I probably love you too. But at a distance, you understand. And I'm not saying I want ANY of you in my home.
2. You are all better than average looking (at least!) Don't ask me how I know this, but I do. Suffice it to say that my knowledge in this matter involves a Ouija board and frequent email contact with my familiar, a frog named Nicodaemus.
3. You all put out when the mood strikes you. And not in a slutty way. Well, not in a negatively charged slutty way.
4. You find the time for the art of self-love. This one is totally a guess. But it's a correct guess, so I think that should count.
5. You have staggeringly good taste. Almost embarrassingly good. Well, all except for you. No, YOU. Exactly.

I hope to become far less busy in the near future, at which time the nonsense will continue to flow like milk and honey in the land of same name. Which, by the way, sounds absolutely disgusting, for what that's worth.

 

-mac

Erin go Br--ohwillyoupleaseshutthehellup?

I was walking through midtown today, wishing I had superpowers and a bag of priceless diamonds, when I came across a giant crew of fratfolk, already drunk by noon, screaming at the tops of their lungs and jump-hugging one another. I was amazed at the sheer optimism that they were going to have THAT good a time just because it's St. Patrick's Day.

 

News flash: You're still, you know, YOU. You're just wearing more green than you usually do while sitting around getting hammered with your moron friends. And that little dude who no one ever pays any attention to is now being ignored while wearing a green Cat-in-the-Hat hat. We're not exactly through the looking glass, people.

 

Good luck to you, drunkies. I really hope you have as much fun as you seem to think you're going to. But unless you bump into Willy Wonka or Carmen Electra, my confidence is low. I'm thinking that it's just going to be more barfing and slut-hopping, but with a charming Irish brogue.

Abu Gharaib Closing Doors For Good! All Religion-based Humiliation Must Go!

Ok, so what? So we're closing Abu Gharaib? That doesn't mean we did anything "wrong" ok? Greatness is never fully appreciated until after it's gone. Like with Vincent van Gogh. He never sold a painting in his lifetime and look at him now!

 

Granted, Abu Gharaib prison never permanently redefined modern painting as we know it. But then again, van Gogh never hooked up a car battery to anybody's nuts. So let's just call it a draw.

Finally, a Meaty Role for Ice Cube

Well, it was announced that they are making a film version of the popular 1970's sitcom, Welcome Back Kotter, with rapper/actor Ice Cube in the title role made famous by Gabe Kaplan (who was the Ice Cube of his day.) I'm sure Kaplan must be excited to pass the torch to his logical successor.

 

In other news, they are doing a remake of Malcolm X and we've heard casting rumors about George Clooney, Rob Schneider, and of course, Gabe Kaplan who has an edge since Malcolm X often referred to himself as the Gabe Kaplan of his day.

Approval Ratings? They don't need no stinking Approval Ratings.

So Bush's numbers keep going down and down and down. They are lower than they have ever been. If this trend continues, he's either going to have to juggle chainsaws or marry the Fonz or something. I don't even know what that would entail, but I must admit that in either case he would actually go up in my estimation.

 

Then again, with me his numbers have nowhere to go BUT up. He could molest* a raccoon and it wouldn't lower my opinion of him.

 

 

*I only use that word because I'm assuming the raccoon in question would be under age. If the raccoon consents though, hell, roger the thing silly, Mr. President!

Remote Controlled Sharks? Check

Ok so the other day, DARPA -- I can't be bothered to look up what the acronym means, just think "mad scientists creating stuff with which to kill folk" -- have a project in the works for remote controlled sharks. Actual sharks that respond to electrical doodads. I'm ordering one as soon as I...uh...become the Secretary of Defense. (Hey, I can't be that much worse than Rumsfeld.)

 

I wonder if the guys who are designing regular killing equipment (guns, tanks, what have you) are jealous of those guys. I wonder if they think of them as the "Gallaghers" of the death-dealing technology world.

 

"Hacks. Getting all the press, making money from THAT? It's not about all the eye candy and fancy toys, you know. It's supposed to be about the killing. That's why I got into this business in the first place."

Jeff Mac to Appear on Comedy Central

Hello, my lovely chickens. Why 'chickens', you ask? Why not, I say.

 

Some of you have already heard about this (and some of you clever ones might have seen a reference to it over in the "see me live" section.) I'm going to be on Comedy Central! I mean, you read the subject line of this entry so it can't come as a complete shock. Calm down. Just breathe. Deep breaths. How many fingers am I holding up? No, I'm asking you, it's not a riddle. Hello? Call the coroner. That imaginary person just died of something.

 

Anyway, I found out last week that I will be on their new standup showcase called "Live at Gotham." The show tapes on April 2nd, and if you are in the city you should come on out and see the show! I'm assuming that the details can be found at http://www.gothamcomedyclub.com

 

If you are not able to come see that, keep watching this space and I'll warn you when it's going to air on Comedy Central. In case, you know, you live in Australia or Arkansas or something. Should be sometime this summer. And portions of it will be on their website even sooner. Yeeha!

First the Corn Palace, and now this?

I think people are misunderstanding South Dakota's governor's actions regarding the new anti-abortion bill he just signed. It's not about pro-life or Jesus or anything like that. It's just that someone in South Dakota finally realized that no one will ever move there, ever. If he didn't outlaw abortion, even babies wouldn't bother to go there.

 

Have you ever been to South Dakota? If not, let me draw you a picture. On second thought, I'll have YOU draw a picture. Take a blank, white piece of paper. Got it? Ok, that's South Dakota.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. Wall Drug is a fantastic world of doughnuts and ice water. Mount Rushmore has the distinct honor of being the only national landmark that is less impressive in person than it is on a postcard. And the Corn Palace, mentioned in the title of this post, well, that place speaks for itself. It's an arena covered in patriotic murals made out of different colored corn kernels? Seriously.

 

If they outlaw abortions in SD, they better outlaw one other thing: plane tickets out. Or else ain't nobody going to be left to man the Arby's.

Oscars Wrap Up

When will I ever learn? Why do I watch this show? It's like those 2 guys who watch the muppet show, but hate it every time. Except at least they got to watch the muppet show.

 

Sadly, as a comic, I watch in case somebody has a meltdown that I might find hilarious. (They did not. The closest was...oh...I don't know...when Lauren Bacall wasn't wearing her glasses and had a slightly dodgy time seeing the teleprompter clearly? Not exactly scandalous.)

 

Here's what I did learn.

• Phillip Seymour Hoffman watches NCAA basketball with his mom. So do I. Clearly that says to me that I am a great actor. Who knew? 
• I'm not a big fashion guy (you there, stop agreeing so loudly) but somebody needs to tell J-Lo's overachieving eyebrow plucker to take a couple of days off. Holy shit. And she might want to loosen that hairdo a little -- she looked like her face was going to snap and roll up like a window shade.
• Salma Hayek sounds like she is trying to lick everyone on the earth when she speaks. And for this service, I believe she should have won a special Oscar.
• When Ben Stiller was doing his greenscreen spoof and said, "This is blowing Steven Spielberg's mind!" you could read Spielberg's lips saying, "No it's not." Way to understand the joke, Steve.
• Please, Mr. Spielberg, still feel free to pay me a lot of money to do something, okay? I was just kidding!
• No, I wasn't. Unless he really IS reading this, in which case yes, yes I was.
• He's not reading this.
• I know.

Historic Nuke Agreement with India!

Bush met with India -- the entire country! -- and made what he is describing as a "historic" agreement about India's nukes.

 

So India is finally going to give up their nuclear weapons!

 

Nope.

 

Oookay, India has agreed to phase out their nuclear weapons over time!!!

 

Not really.

 

Ok, wait, I've got it. India has decided to continue to make nuclear weapons by the truckload, but they promise to feel really, really bad about it.

 

Pretty close. They basically agreed that India would keep making nukes. It would be like if someone was beating the shit out of their wife, and the couple made a historic agreement to keep doing it! Just not in secret anymore! Hurray!

 

Gosh, that really IS historic!

 

I know! Wait, who are you, other voice?

 

I have no idea.