Thanks!

Hey everybody,

Thanks so much to those of you who watched the show on Friday night. And for those of you who did not, well, it IS Comedy Central, so I'm sure they'll be playing it every couple of days for the next 19 years.

Seriously, it was definitely the highest point of my career to date, and one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me, period. I look forward to the next one, whenever that may be (and you're all coming to the taping, by the way, so start picking out outfits.)

See you soon!

-mac

Tonight! Me! On Television! You LIKE Television!

Hey everybody,

Just a reminder that tonight at 11pm E.S.T. you can see me from the comfort of your own home on Comedy Central. You can sit on your couch, eat Kraft macaroni and cheese, you can smear ice cream all over the back of your neck in an effort to keep cool if you want to. Hey, it's your house. I'm certainly not going to judge you. I've lived alone long enough to know that the things one does in the privacy of their own home are, while shameful, nobody's bidness but their own. The important thing is that you look at moving pictures of me while you're doing it. Ok, I just got a little grossed out.

And I also wanted to say thanks to everybody who's been so supportive and awesome. And also to the people who have NOT been that way, but have made themselves easy to ignore. Either way, I come out a winner. Thanks, y'all. (Yeah, I went to college in North Carolina. What of it?)

See you on the other side,

-mac

See Jeff Mac on the TEEvee--Friday Night!!!

Hey everybody,

I just wanted to let you know that my episode of Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham" will air this Friday, July 28th at 11pm E.S.T. Check your local listings and you can see MY NAME right there in the guide! If you have special circumstances, see my official workarounds below.

• If you live in, say, Australia...well, I don't know how much Comedy Central programming you folks get down there. If you don't get any at all, just look at a wallaby and imagine me saying funny things. It might not give you the same effect, but it will be super fun, I'm sure of it.
• If you are reading this from Iraq, feel free to do the same thing but with a grenade or something. (Please be careful.)
• If you have children and find it difficult to find time to watch television, you've got a good 4 and a half days to put them up for adoption.
• If you don't have a TV, bake one of your kinfolk a gooseberry pie and mayhap they'll let you set a spell in front of THEIR talky box.
• If you have a TV but no cable, please tell me how great PBS is again. I never get tired of hearing about that.
  

Seriously, if you get a chance, check it out. I'm really excited! When I saw my name on the onscreen guide, I almost dropped a deuce in my pants.

I love you all, you magnificent bastards.

-mac

Dear Guy in the Restroom:

I am writing to you regarding the moment when you were alone at the urinal and you farted like a trombone. Thanks for adding, "Wow." It kind of made my day.

Sincerely,

Jeff Mac

WARNING!

I noticed recently that movie warnings are more specific than they used to be. I think it was when I saw a preview for a vampire movie that was rated R due to, among other things, "Vampire Violence." Seriously.



Only in America do parents need more information than 'Violence' to decide whether or not to bring the kids. "Welllll, what KIND of violence? In our house, we allow the kids to see around eleven types. We only forbid them to watch squirrel violence, ice cream man violence, and Frankenstein violence. Which kind does your movie provide?"


And with the sex and nudity, it's all very vague. 'Mild' Sexual Content or 'Strong' Sexual Content. Or 'Extra Crispy'. And with Nudity, it's not even that much. Just 'Brief' or...regular? Which is nowhere NEAR specific enough for me. If I'm going to have to look at Harvey Keitel's balls, I'm going to need a few minutes to clear some headspace for that image. I can't be going in thinking Hollywood Nudity and getting Beloved But Out Of Shape Character Actor From The Days Of Yore Nudity. That's not good for you.


And finally, there's "Adult Situations." Given that the above two are already accounted for, I'm not sure what's left. I guess it's basically just saying, "Look, this isn't for children, and we're not really sure why." But what could it be? Gratuitous shots of someone saving a receipt for tax purposes? Or maybe just someone going, "You know, this bar soap is just messy. I think I'm going to get squirt-bottle handsoap." That, my friends, is an Adult Situation.

Dear My Blog:

Why have you not been updated by me in, like, a week? What's going on? I've compiled a short list of possible reasons for your reprehensible lack of being updated by me:

1. The blogger in question (yours truly) has been spending his time announcing lists for which he has not yet thought of any contents. Like, you know, this one. This is probably disheartening for you, the receptacle into which such lists eventually are put.
2. The grammar in list item #1, while lovely, is annoyingly correct. I'd think that might bother you. I'm not wild about it either, if that makes you feel any better.
3. The internet was broken, and so I couldn't update you. Yeah, I'd think someone might have noticed. Or said something on the news like, "The internet is down, productivity soars," or "The internet is down, office workers begin beating each other to death with office furniture."
4. Absolutely nothing amusing happened for 7 full days.
5. It's too hot for humor. New York City feels like someone slit open a dead body and shoved me inside of it. Not unlike that creature that Han Solo cut open to keep Luke Skywalker warm in the beginning of "The Empire Strikes Back."
6. Maybe you were depressed by the fact that I know the name of the species of creature mentioned in #5.
7. It's a tautaun.

 

Bong-Bong!!!

How much "Law & Order" can one person watch? My answer is the same one that some alcoholics will give when asked how much they drink per day. "Well...all of it."

 

I love it so much. If you played that "bong-bong" noise out of context, I think I would begin to drool.

 

I drool anyway, but that's more out of laziness than any Pavlovian training. It's something I'm working on, and not something that I feel the need to defend to you people.

 

Ok, I apologize. That was, in fact, pretty defensive. If we were on Law & Order, and I had died shortly following that comment, that snarky coroner lady would be describing how my body showed signs of defensive wounds. You know, scuffs and scratches, skin under the fingernails. They'd be able to get your DNA and you'd be just about to get away with it, but Sam Waterston would find some sneaky way to get out of a plea bargain he had made with you, and you'd go down for the full 25 to life.

 

Oh, TV. Do you see what you do to me when you go on summer rerun vacation? If you drive me to a life of taking walks, reading books and talking with loved ones, I swear to god I'm going to do something that, given enough clues, will raise Jerry Orbach from the dead to bring me to justice.

Revenge

Dear Tattooed People Who Are Cooler Than I Am,

 

I just saw a 75 year old man with the barbed wire tattoos around his "biceps." Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Have fun, everybody!!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Dorky McNoTattoos

 

 

Thank you, Jacques Cousteau

I recently recorded a television program about famed marine biologist/explorer, Jacques Cousteau's son getting into a submersible that looks and moves like a great white shark. I haven't seen the show yet, so I won't comment on the moronity of such an act just yet. I will say this -- that's just one of the first steps in what was a lifelong dream of Cousteau's.

1.  First Cousteau went down there in a shark cage or a sub.
   
2. Then, his son builds a sub that looks like a shark.
   
3. His grandson then builds a special camera that he can bring with him inside an actual LIVING great white shark. (He had to build a special camera because otherwise they wouldn't give him the grant to just go out and essentially "wear" a shark.)
   
4. Cousteau's GREAT grandson just shoots himself in the mouth with a speargun while shouting "Sharks!"
5. His great-great grandson embarrasses his wife at parties by putting a jellyfish in his pants.
6. Finally, his great-great grandson just pees into the ocean every Fourth of July.
   

A masterful life.

Thought on Swimming...

At this point, how much of the Earth's oceans are just pure fish pee?

Missiles that could reach Alaska!!!

Dear Mr. President,

 

If you don't stop North Korea, and I mean NOW, they will soon have the capability of nuking Alaska before you get the chance to petro-rape it. Consider yourself forewarned. Don't let that little freak to steal your thunder. Nobody trashes our Arctic until WE do, baby.

 

Sincerely,

 

Someone who wouldn't have voted for you even if you were running against an old tire smeared with poo