Dear Johnny Five-Flush,

How are you? I am just fine.

No, wait. Let's go back to, "How are you?" as I think it addresses my main concern -- your health. Now, I don't want to get into any specifics with you as to why you felt that five flushes were necessary. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one that five was right on the money. In fact, I'm begging you to allow me to give you the benefit of the doubt, if that means that I never, EVER, know more about what happened in there than I do right now.

All I am saying is that five flushes, while very possibly appropriate for the situation, are NOT appropriate for a normal, healthy human being. And you need to go to the doctor, like, today.If you were a gorilla or an elephant, sure, I bet that a human toilet flush would not suit your needs. Great white shark? Forget about it. Those guys eat adult seals whole. They probably poop a baby seal. Gosh, I know I would.

But, lest we forget, you are none of these creatures. You are a human. With big, big problems on the horizon. Just one thought -- again without the benefit of (nor the desire for) more details. Whatever you ate most recently? Yeah, maybe no more of that. Doesn't really matter how delicious it was. In fact, were I you, I'd consider not even walking on the same block as the restaurant/bodega/trashcan where you got it. It might take you a few more minutes to get home, but I think it's worth it.

Sincerely,

Everyone besides you

Know what's invigorating?

Having to take a cold shower on one of the 3 actually cold mornings we've had this winter. But before you run right out and try this yourselves (No, no. Stop running and listen!) here are a few alternatives that you might consider.

• Start a list without a clue of what to put in it. That always makes me feel vigorous and healthy.
  
• Pour a quart of rubbing alcohol into your eye. Totally revitalizing.
• Rub smelly, low-tide sand in your hair. You won't necessarily be cold, but you won't be very happy.
  
• Sniff a lot of model airplane glue and run naked through the Bronx, screaming racial slurs appropriate to whomever you pass. Feeling awake and alive?
  
• Think of a very delicate, sensitive part of your body. Got one? Good. Pour gasoline on it. Now, light a match. Just as you are about to ignite that tender piece of yourself, take a really, really cold shower on a day like today and feel just how not relieved you are.
  

I don't mean to brag...

...but I was at an audition yesterday with Tony Roberts. For the same role. Now...people, you might not know me personally. But here's a question. I know it was only our voices that were auditioning for the same thing, but from what you can see in my photo up there, is there a role on the earth for which BOTH Tony Roberts and I might be appropriate?

I am considering changing my intro at standup shows to something like...

"He's been mistaken for Tony Roberts since early 2007, please welcome Jeff Mac!"

-or-

"It's just like listening to certain parts of Annie Hall -- JEFF MAC!!!"