Subway Letter

Dear woman wearing a deerslayer cap on the train,

Hi! You don't know me, but I just wanted to write a quick note to the 2nd most famous person ever to wear a deerslayer cap -- you. The MOST famous wearer of said headgear was, of course, Sherlock Holmes. It was quite a distinctive look, and I used to think that he was the only one who could pull it off. But not anymore, you. Now, there's one more star in the deerslayer cap firmament. And because of this blog post, you are now the second most talked about wearer of that kind of hat. Congratulations!

Sincerely,

-Jeff "Where the hell did you find a deerslayer cap in this or even the last century" Mac

Ideas for Christmas Gifts!

Hello all. Since I have not been especially blogular lately, I am feeling guilty. And that brings me to Christmas. Christmas is a time of year for buying presents for those people who you are afraid that if you do NOT buy them something, you'll look really bad. (That's how I pick who gets one, anyway.) But that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun shopping. And by "shopping" I mean "sitting in your cubicle THINKING about shopping." Because let's face it, I feel the same way about actually GOING shopping as I do about swimming under the ice on a frozen lake. Not my thing, people. I saw "The Omen" ok? It looked just miserable down there. And, like shopping, you can't just leave whenever you want. (With shopping, you have massive lines in your way as opposed to a sheet of solid ice, but the effect seems similar)

But here are some gift giving ideas for those people who you don't really know all that well, but you feel like you have to get them something. We're talking co-workers, estranged siblings, cousins that you know are going to buy YOU something. You know -- filler people. People who are in your address book to make you feel like you have more people in your life than just the 3 people you call on a regular basis. Any one of these holiday gift ideas is sure to please!

• an Edna St. Vincent Millay hoodie. I can't say I know any of her work, but that's probably just because nobody ever thought to buy me one of these babies.
• Commedia Del Arte-themed footie pajamas. With or without codpiece, depending upon whether you go with Pantalone, or the more traditional Arlecchino. Your choice, people.
  
• A tasteful Punch & Judy mask for formal occasions
  
• an empty box with an incredibly delicate looking locking mechanism on it. The recipient won't want to break it, and so they will never find out that you didn't buy them anything. (Be sure to choose someone who will be too embarrassed to ask.)
• A DVD of you staring at the camera, motionless and expressionless, for a full hour. Imagine their delight when the words "The End" roll across their screen, and they still have no idea why you chose to give them this. Especially fun for your office secret Santa!
• A series of cellphone photographs of piles of laundry at your laundromat. This is for someone whose opinion doesn't really matter to you. What you are goingfor is for them to think that YOU think you're creative. Give these to someone you are not really dating, and want to end it for good. This will help to ease the passage of your relationship from 'sexual' to 'awkward avoidance.'

Don't feel limited to this list. There are literally dozens of other things that you can buy in stores too. A hammer, for example. Also, grapes. Look for such things wherever they keep cash registers. They've got to have something in there for you.

Happy Holidays!

Excuses, and a LINK! To a VIDEO!!!

Hello from the great beyond! And by "beyond", I of course mean "beyond the point at which I was updating this blog with any sense of regularity."

The good news is that I have been very, very busy lately. In fact, if you live in the Northeast, you might have already heard one example of my busytude. There's a Stop & Stop commercial running right now where a package of toilet paper and a roll of paper towels are complaining about how expensive everything is, and then you see a title that says: "CHEAP PAPER PRODUCTS."

Well, the paper towels are voiced by yours truly. (I think that casting me as "Brawny" paper towels was an attempt at irony in the advertising world. And I don't appreciate it. All I need is a few years of working out every day. Or any day. I'd be just as brawny as could be.)

In other news, I have written an early draft of my very first comedic book, titled "Manslations," after the skill that I have developed -- telling my female friends what is happening in their relationships. I was going to write a late draft, but I figured that I would save myself the chore of rewriting until after I actually had something on paper. That's called "efficiency," folks.

In any case, yeah, I've been too busy to update these here pages. Now, there may be some of you out there thinking, "Well, how much time does it take to update a blog? It's not like your previous entries could possibly have taken much time or effort to produce." And to those of you, I say, you know what? Just leave it alone, ok, fella? Just leave me be. Don't you know who I am? I'm the voice of a paper towel (or, in the radio version, I am "Nelson" the package of two-ply toilet paper. Totally different character, by the way.)

In any case, I hope to be putting some excerpts from "Manslations" up here in the coming months. In the meantime, for those of you who missed me on Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham," just watch THIS, and you will no longer be able to say that you missed me on Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham." It's that simple.

Sincerely,

-The Management