Say Hello to my Little Soon-to-be-Dead Friend

Well, first the North Koreans tested a nuclear weapon. Also, I have been eaten alive by mosquitos (possibly also caused by North Korea, as pointed out by commenter, hihoJeff.) But now that elevator-shoe-wearing freak has gone too far. Kim Jong Il has sent a mouse to infiltrate my apartment.

Why have they targeted me, you ask? Well, clearly the main goal is to make me scream "eek" while I'm standing on a chair, clutching a broom. It worked in cartoons in the 1950's and it still works today. In fact, everything that worked in the 50s still works great today. Well, except for violent racism, the cold war, McCarthyism....and...uh...ok, only the "eek" thing is still truly relevant today.

My question is this: why, oh why does this little North Korean mouse feel the need to break my only restriction on vermin? I don't go out into the world to murder mice and bugs. Knock yourself out, little guys. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I only have to kill you if I know you exist. As soon as you're on my radar, I'm sorry, but you will have to die.

I don't enjoy killing, folks. I really don't. But what I enjoy even less is having a creature within my home that isn't me or an invited guest. I suppose that my best solution to this problem would be to send mice invitations. That way, it's my choice. But those little bastards never RSVP, they show up, eat all the cheese (such a stereotype, I know) and leave poops on the countertop.

No, I'm afraid it's going to be the great...uh...something in the sky. The point is, I'm killing him. Or her. That's called "gender equality," people. Look it up.

North Korea Nukes it Up

Well, it finally happened. And on Columbus Day, of all holy days. In fact, according to my sources North Korea tested their first nuclear weapon in protest of the fact that I don't get Columbus Day off. Now, my sources are wrong. Let's get that out in the open right now. For example, my main conduit for this information was an imaginary frog named Nicodemus who, in addition to being my familiar, is a licensed notary public (which, by the way, is SO useful, people. Everyone should imagine that they have an amphibious notary public, if they get the chance.)

The point is that there is no way that North Korea's motive for testing a nuclear weapon could possibly be related to the fact, tragic though it may be, that I have to work on Columbus Day. These are 2 unrelated tragedies.

HOWEVER, I think that just to be on the safe side, I should be allowed to go home. With full pay. And never come back. But keep getting paid. I mean, it seems only prudent.

I thank you.

Foley to go to Rehab for...booze?

So...I'm just trying to understand this, now. Alcohol was the problem here? Has anyone ever said something along the lines of, "You know, I have a problem with alcohol, ok? I'm a decent, hard-working guy, but when I get drunk? Total pedophile. Seriously, it's only when I get 3 drinks in me that I suddenly begin to want to bang children. It's a chemical reaction, people. It's a disease, is what it is."

I'm sure that the moment Mr. Foley is sober, he will make better decisions regarding the nature of his sexuality. Like...only sending underwear-related emails to people who LOOK like jailbait. That's just one example, people. Honestly, I'm sure he'll be a swell guy.

Foley's Republican Sex(?!) Scandal

See, here's how you can tell which political party is related to any sex scandal in the news without even looking:

If the scandal sounds like it could be on an episode of "Three's Company" (i.e. getting a bj from an amorous intern while the wife is out of sight) it's a democratic sex scandal.

If it sounds like something that would star Kevin Spacey as the serial killer (i.e. creepy emails to underage boys who are afraid of you) that's a Republican sex scandal.

See, that's what happens when you're afraid of sex, Republicans. If you keep sex a secret, then your sexlife will end up being creepy, weird shit that NEEDS to be kept secret. (see: Catholic Church.)