See me on Comedy Central Tonight! Again!

Hello all!

Long time, no blog! Sorry I've been unable to write very often recently. In a way, I blame myself. As a consolation (to myself) I will now inform you of the triumphant re-airing of my episode of "Live at Gotham" on Comedy Central tonight (Monday, September 25th) at midnight. And again at 2:30am!

And before you tell me that tonight at midnight technically takes place "tomorrow," let me just say this: I don't need that crap from the likes of you. I really don't.

Sincerely,

The management

Once Bitten, Twice Furious

It's a warzone in there. My apartment is so filled with mosquitos that I...sorry, I normally would have written a joke at the end of that sentence, but I'm about a quart low on blood, and the typing made me pass out. And before you ask, "Well, how did you type the REST of that sentence then, which was much longer than the part that supposedly made you pass out?" let me just say this. I don't need your guff. I really don't need any guff at all, as long as we're being totally honest here.

 

I killed LITERALLY 50,000 figurative mosquitos last night. Not before they each got at least one whack at my delicious, delicious blood. I hope it tasted really great, considering how smooshed they are at present.

 

I'm not sure why I am suddenly inundated with these little bloodsucking pests, but I have some theories.

1. One reason could be that mosquitos get angry when someone starts lists on his/her blog without planning them out ahead of time. If that is my crime, then so be it. I plead no contest (mostly because I don't really know what that means.)
2. Someone has decided to build the Panama Canal under my bed. I just didn't notice because my apartment isn't near Panama. Also, you know, they work 9 to 5 and so do I. Up until now, our schedules didn't force our paths to cross. But now that I am fully 25% malaria, I think I might just put a note on the foreman's windshield.
3. The mosquitos overheard the M*A*S*H marathon that I watched the other day, and they are too stupid to realize that "The Swamp" was just a nickname that Hawkeye and Trapper gave to their tent. It's a purely honorary title, and it's also only on Television. Ah, mosquitos -- they are such children sometimes.
4. My lifelong belief that I am just as adorable at plasma-level as I am out here in the world is really true!

Thanks, mosquitos. You have really given me perspective on life. I'm almost going to be sorry when I murder every last one of you while laughing maniacally.

R.I.P. Croc Hunter

Steve Irwin, the famous "Croc Hunter" is dead. Wow. Who could have seen that coming? But after a lifetime of saying things like, "Here we have the most deadly creature ever seen on the Earth. I'm gonna go spoon with it!" he has finally met his end. And I think this is how he would have wanted to go, if he had a choice between a stingray to the heart and a massive coronary on the toilet or something.

His family has requested that in lieu of flowers, please just send poisonous animals that have been riled up with a stick. He would have wanted it that way.