Nuke Money is No Object!

North Korea says they made nuclear weapons, and are furious at allegations that they counterfeited money in order to pay for it. They not only want to get credit for making the bomb, but for being able to pay for it with their own money. God! Why doesn't anyone understand them?

 

You've got to respect them for that at least. I mean, everyone knows that a nuclear weapon hard-earned is a nuclear weapon cherished. I can only imagine that they are really going to take care of it. They won't leave it out in the rain or forget to clean it or anything.

 

They are going to bring it to bed with them every night. And before they go to sleep, they will kneel down at their bedside and pray, "God bless mama, and papa, and Stevie (even though he totally broke my glow-in-the-dark Milennium Falcon model), and my nuclear weapon. Please keep them all safe until I decide to hurl any or all of them at my enemies. Amen."

Favorite Spam Sender Name

Winner: Barry Manilow

 

Honorable Mention: Alejandro Flanagan

Every Civil War has a Silver Lining!

Ok, so Fox News was questioning whether an all-out civil war in Iraq might actually be a good thing. Now, normally I consider them to be functionally retarded shills for the administration, but in this case, well, they might just have something. Consider these 5 possible advantages of a total civil war in Iraq.

1. Charming blue/gray uniforms would add an air of gentility and decorum to the proceedings heretofore unseen.
2. Ken Burns will have another thing to talk about for 19 hours straight.
3. Years from now, Iraqi nerds will have something to re-enact to distract them from their inability to copulate.
4. New genre of romance novels based upon a Sunni soldier who is nursed back to health by an unrealistically buxom Shiite war widow. (And then he stones her to death for being buxom without a chaperone.)
5. Mint Juleps for everyone!

Let My (Suspected Terrorist) People Go!

The U.N. is saying that Bush must either bring the Guantanamo Bay prisoners to trial or he has to release them. Bush has said that not only will he release them, but in a gesture of good faith he has agreed to send them on an all expenses paid trip to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

 

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

Quick Valentine's Day Advice

I hope you're all enjoying that special time of year when we commemorate the day when St. Valentine was beaten to death in ancient Rome! (Yep, that's really what it is. Romantic, no?)

 

Here's a tip. If you're thinking of going to the Godiva Chocolate store on Valentine's Day, consider this equivalent alternative.

 

1. Buy a small pocket mirror. If you can't find one, you can use a store window or a bathroom mirror in a pinch.
2. Stand in front of your chosen reflective surface, facing it.
3. Extend the index finger of either hand (preferably your dominant hand for optimum efficiency) towards your reflection.
4. Laugh heartily.
5. For added fun, call yourself nasty names that indicate substandard intelligence.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Don't Blame Cheney

Look, I know that the Vice President shot his hunting buddy this weekend. And we can all make jokes about it, sure. But when you read the facts, it's clear that this guy was standing right between Cheney and a newborn kitten. So there's blame to go around. You can't just read the headlines and expect to get the whole story.

Seriously, the only reason he did it was that shooting this guy just happened to be the best way to lure Luke Skywalker to the cloud city.

Come on out and see me sometime!

Hey all! I just wanted to invite you to come out to the Bowery Poetry Club tonight (308 Bowery at Bleecker) at 10pm for HAPPY HAPPY TWO, the sequel to the wildly popular HAPPY HAPPY! It's going to be a really fun evening of comedy, music, and things unclassifiable -- all for a meager three bucks!

See you there!

-mac

So...it's a Cartoon, right?

There are ten people dead and many more injured because someone didn't like a cartoon about the prophet Mohammed. Listen, I'm all for being tolerant of other ways of thinking, but if your death-to-the-infidel-o-meter is set on CARTOON, maybe you want to dial it back a notch.

 

That's not even "an eye for an eye." That's "an eye for a drawing of an eye."

 

Even bin Laden's got to be out there going, "Guys, seriously, what did we say about picking our battles? I'm gonna need you to focus a little."

 

And they're going after random people, so any one of us could get croaked because somebody wasn't crazy about Garfield.

 

Not that I'm comparing the prophet Mohammed to Garfield. Although, they both do get into the craziest mixups! And they both love lasagna. But then, who doesn't?

No Animal/Human Hybrids?!

So, our president wants to ban animal/human hybrid clones. First, no jetpacks and now this?

 

Hey listen, Mr. President. I know that this entry into the State of the Union was probably the result of some icky dreams after the Island of Dr. Moreau came up on your Netflix cue (finally!). But I hate to break it to you -- science is not that interesting. I know that important science is important. That's why it has that name. But you need a posterchild with a little razzmatazz.

 

Be honest, if you were at a party with the guy who cured cancer on one side, and the guy who grafted his son's head onto a chipmunk on the other, who are you going to talk to, seriously? And who's going to be doing all the really interesting drinking?

 

Just think about it, ok? I need entertainment, and a baby with tentacles, antlers, and eyeballs on stalks just might do the trick.