America's Next Top Model Recap

Well, it's time once again for my weekly recap of events on America's Next Top Model. It is still my favorite reality-based programming, because of all the crying. So, without further ado, here's the recap.

Tears of Joy/Relief: ONE - This is low, but there were only a couple of girls who were in position to feel this way. I don't feel terrible about it.

Tears of Sadness/Frustration: TEN - Out of eleven girls, ten cries? I could hardly hope for more. Although don't be fooled - most of the crying was one girl. Which brings me to…

Flesh-eating Bacteria: ONE - Not a big number, but it's more than you could reasonably expect. Sure, it turned out to be only impetigo (which was my guess several minutes before the diagnosis, thank you), but in addition to the Godzilla movie music that they played underneath a couple of shots of the disease, it led to a bunch of idiots running around suggesting such gems as:

• You can get pneumonia from that, and die from the pneumonia.
• Does someone know voodoo in the house?
• She might have leprosy.
  

Astonishingly Unconvincing Age Makeup: ONE - The guy they always see at the beginning of every challenge showed up in an age makeup job that I haven't seen since I did Agatha Christie's "Witness for the Prosecution" at age 17. And the girls were totally fooled. Fantastic.

Crickets Sound Effect: ONE - The girls were asked what "haute couture" meant, and none of them spoke up. The sound editor kicked in with this classic comedy standby. Nicely done.

Lightning Round: ONE - All the girls had to put on makeup while timed. In one instance, they had no mirror. It was just like when the Navy SEALs have to assemble an M16 blindfolded in the rain.

Quote of the Week: "You look like a toasted Miss Piggy on crack." I don't usually care for the 'on crack' tag, it's a little hack. But 'toasted Miss Piggy' makes up for it nicely.

What I'm Looking Forward To Next Week: Well, it's hard for me to say. The models will be hosed down, which might be fun. One of the girls (who has often been accused by the judges of being too porny) will get hammered and moon someone by pressing her butt cheeks against the window of the van. My step-brother did that once in Tennessee on a family van trip when I was a kid. Changed my life, man.

An Open Letter to Shepherd's Pie

Dear Shepherd's Pie,

Ooh, I find you so delicious, I hardly know where to begin. But you are wonderful, and there's nothing I can do or say to change that, so let's just start at the beginning.

There is meat. Not that I'm telling you anything new about yourself. You and I both know that your bottom layer is ground beef. I'm just saying that I approve. There is meat, it is good, and I want more of it. I don't even care if the cow suffered (although I can hardly imagine how he could have done so, given how tasty he was. Or she, or she.)

Some of your kind have a vegetable layer in the middle, and some do not. I prefer my vegetables on the side, but that is only one opinion. I respect the healthy and mirthful debate on the subject. I find it to be fun but never frivolous. You are a serious dish with a lighter side. Anyone who says different will face me on the field of honor.

The mashed potatoes on top, well, let me just tell you something before I pass out. On second thought, I don't believe I want to talk about this anymore. I just imagined someone arguing with me about whether mashed potatoes were perfect in this context. (I was yea, my imaginary adversary was nay.) I nearly put my fist through plate glass. I don't want anger to cloud my mind on this issue.

I don't want to take up too much of your time, Shepherd's Pie. I know that you have enough on your agenda without me bending your ear all day. Just know that I find you to be filling but not overly so. You are seasoned well but not wildly complex. In short, I love you. And I will do everything in my power to eat a lot of you over the course of my lifetime.

Sincerely,

-Jeff Mac

P.S. Please tell Chicken Pot Pie I said "hello."

Summer Blockbuster Preview

Well, spring is here. We're starting to see previews for all the summer blockbusters that will soon be upon us. Here are a couple that I'm especially looking forward to:

Dirtballs! - The next Pixar animated sensation, a heartwarming tale of clods of dirt that talk just like neurotic humans!

The Cash Who Loved Me - The newest installment in the James Bond Series.

The Wild Thornberrys Have a Vicious 3-way - I smell Oscar!

Indiana Jones and the Recovery from Double Hip Replacement Surgery - "Throw me the wheep, I throw you the bedpan! No time to argue!"

Lara Croft: The Lost Treasure of Oh Who Are We Fucking Kidding? - Lips! Boobs! Jumping around! Instant classic!

Friday the 13th Part 12: Jason Slaughters the Rugrats - Oh, if wishing made it so...

The Bridges of Madison Country 2: Electric Boogaloo

Happy Good Friday!!!

Hello, gentle readers. I just wanted to wish you all a very happy Good Friday. Although, you have to wonder how Jesus would feel about that name when you consider that it's the day he got nailed to something. Even though he was doing it to be nice, I just think that he might prefer that we call it something like, Surprisingly Painful Means-to-an-End Friday, or something. Just give a little nod to the fact that it wasn't all that good of a Friday.

I still haven't seen Passion of the Christ, nor will I probably ever, but I did see Braveheart and Lethal Weapon, and if they are any indication of what Jesus went through, well then Christianity is way more exciting than I was led to believe.

America's Next Top Model Recap

I've had a request for some commentary on America's Next Top Model, my favorite reality TV show. I know it's a strange show for a straight man to love. Especially since I don't know or care at ALL about fashion or modelling. I don't get either one. But that's not why I love the show.

I'm in it for the crying. No crying, no show. I don't even know why you'd turn on the cameras unless there was a chance that someone might cry. Oh, and comeuppance. I'm huge with the comeuppance. So, I enjoy seeing people weep for any reason, and I enjoy seeing them get their just desserts. And if they can do both at once, so much the better.

Hey, you've got your problems too.

On with the recap:

Crying Tears of Joy/Relief: 1 - Not great, but I'll take it. You usually don't get more than 2 of these anyway.

Crying Tears of Sadness/Frustration: 4 - Out of 12 girls? This is pathetic. I'm hoping for a far better showing next week. At least one of them was combined with comeuppance.

Group Fake Enthusiasm: 3 - This is when the group is given their next task, and they all jump up and down and scream. Not everything is that exciting. It annoys me, and just makes me want all the more to see each and every one of them cry.

Accidental Barfing in a Restaurant: 1 - Four glasses of white wine and a few, "I love you guys" sort of comments later, spewing right over the armrest of her chair. Bravo.

Ridiculous Crab Suits: 1 - This is the only thing I actually DO like about the fashion industry. It is so weird and out of touch with reality that you occasionally get to see someone dressed up like a giant crustacean. Fantastic.

Quote of the week: "All of y'all bitches are evil!" (FYI: This was from the girl who loved everyone after 4 glasses of wine. Excellent!)

Retarded Tyra Banks moment of the week: When she asked the girls, "How many times has a guy come up to you in a club and been like, 'What's your sign, baby?'" Uh…I'm guessing zero. You know when would have been a good time to ask models this? Around 25 years before you did.

What I can't wait for next week: Ok, the preview included the phrase "flesh-eating bacteria." Enough said.

Satan's Flu, day 10

If you have been paying attention, you might have heard that there is an awful bug going around. (And if you are paying attention really closely, you'll remember that there has never been a time in your life when one hasn't been. Have you ever been sick and had someone say, "Wow, no one else is sick right now. You're the only one!")

Here are some of the symptoms to watch out for in this season's offering:

• FEVER: This is the part where you are sitting on your radiator, freezing AND sweating, wearing a winter hat and flannel pajamas with snowmen on them. Or maybe you just think you are. You're delirious. At this stage, you should drink water, lie down, and try not to mind the barfing.
• HEADACHE: This part was really fun. It was during this stage when I actually had the thought, "I can't imagine something that feels like this, but wouldn't kill me. In fact, this had better kill me. I'd hate to be feeling all this excruciating pain for nothing."
• LOSS OF APPETITE: Good news - you'll finally have those 6 pack abs. Bad news, you'll be too weak to open your eyes and admire them.
• SORE THROAT: This stage feels like you've got half a Dorito stuck in your neck somewhere, and swallowing makes the corners stab you.
• COUGH: Remember what it was like to sleep through the night? No? Me neither. Any time you take a deep breath, you will cough uncontrollably, so it's important to try not to breathe.
• ONE RED EYEBALL: This one threw me a little. Apparently, you can cough so much or so hard that the blood vessels in your eyeballs can burst. Looks like pinkeye, but not contagious. Just hideous. Who knew? So, I basically blew out my eyeball. Just one. I guess I cough to the right.

I wish you all luck. I sincerely hope that none of you get this. Unless, of course, there were some sort of a pact with the devil that I could make whereby I could be healed by giving it to you. In that case, I'd sell you out in a second.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to make my 4,000th cup of tea in a week and a half. I thank you.

Kissing Test on the Web!

I saw an ad on a website yesterday that puzzled me. And it is not easy to puzzle me. But this thing, I'm ashamed to admit, did the trick. I was puzzled. Real hard. I just want to thank my friends and family for their support, and to apologize to them for having been so puzzleable in this instance. I only hope that with their continued support I will find the strength to shut up about this and get on with the story.

The ad had a drawing of a woman and a drawing of a man, and you were supposed to click the one you wanted to kiss to begin a test on your kissing abilities.

I don't know what the test was (I didn't click it because I'm afraid of clicking on strange ads and getting cooties on my cookies.) Truly, I can't even imagine what it might be.

Do you compare different pictures of people kissing and pick the one that is demonstrating the best technique? Like an eye test - "Ok first one, or second one? Better...or worse? More tongue, less," and so forth.

Do you click on different areas of the face to indicate where you would kiss, and it gives you feedback like, "While the nostril is a part of the face, it isn't generally considered a gigantic part of the whole kissing thing. Try again!"

I'm pretty sure about one thing. If you believe that someone can tell you about your kissing ability via the internet, you might not be that good of a kisser. There are probably at least a couple of important things about which you are mistaken.

Spam and Answer

Dear Sir,

I would like to apply through this letter for your express co-operation and to secure in your position an opportunity to invest and do joint business with you in your country. I am looking forward to your urgent and positive response for us to discuss details.

Thank you.

Mr. Davis Jackson

Dear Mr. Jackson,

Thanks! Holy cow, I always thought this sort of thing only happened in movies, but here you are! You're real, you're alive, and you're ALL MINE! While I am flattered that you have selected me to be your partner, I think you should know about my financial situation before you commit to sharing what I can only assume is limitless wealth with me. Lucky, lucky me!

Regarding my finances...how to say this...Boy, did YOU come up snake eyes! I mean, I'm sure you picked me for a good, non-random reason, but unless you have a friend in the Citibank Visa Changing Debits to Credits on a Whim Department*, I may not be able to offer much financial assistance to our business venture initially. At least not until the first couple of checks roll in.

As a show of good faith, how about you start off by paying off my credit card balance? After all, high-interest debt is no good for our business. This way, everybody's happy. It's win-win!

As an equally attractive alternative, please feel free to go fuck yourself at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Jeff "Not Randomly Selected by You at All" Mac

P.S. If you are not finding success in gaining a business partner via e-mail, perhaps you should consider just standing in the middle of the street and screaming, "Does anybody wanna be my business partner!!!?" That's a free tip. Next one'll cost ya! Ha ha! Wink! Just kidding, Partner!

*if there even is such a department (and gosh, I hope there is!)

Star Wars Episode III unsuitable for young viewers!!!

George Lucas has gone on record with a warning to parents that this third SW prequel is not suitable for young children. I'm sure everyone is grateful to him for that.

I'm just wondering why he decided to start now? I mean, those other 2 prequels weren't suitable for any damn body. Where was the warning then, George? You could have saved me $40 dollars*.

*Ok, I saw each of them twice, yes. But the second time was for the irony factor. Totally sarcastic. I was kidding when I bought those tickets. And I had something caught in my eye.

Please, no pictures

I never feel so trapped as when I'm looking at a giant pile of someone's photos. I don't even necessarily like looking at the people I'm with RIGHT HERE. Now I have to look at little pieces of paper with images of them in other places? I think you overestimate how interesting it is to look at you.

A lot of this nonsense is with photos of children, on the assumption that no one could possibly be uninterested in your child. Let's disabuse you of that notion right here. Children are just people -- yes, this applies to YOUR children. Some of them are interesting, some are boring, and some of them are little assholes. And almost none of them are worth looking at in 36 concurrent situations. It's just like adults.

Look, if someone really wants me to look at a picture of their child, here's what they should do. Pick the one photo they really like and put it on top, because that's the only one I'm looking at. After that first one, all of my brain power is tied up in A.) blind resentment and B.) calculating how long I have to pause with each photo before I can flip to the next one without letting on that I'm completely not paying attention.

After all, I don't want to insult them, but I don't want to encourage them to show me any more of these things either.

Humpty Dumpty, indeed.

Ok, I understand that this is a nursery rhyme, and as such is both creepy and incomprehensible to begin with. I understand that we are talking about a being who was sitting on a wall for some reason, fell off of it, shattered completely, and then somebody asked horses to help reassemble him.

The point is, I get that we're already starting in the hole with regard to, you know, making sense.

But what IS Humpty Dumpty? I mean, he's an egg, right? Ok, how do you KNOW that? It's not in the little poem. There's no part that goes, "P.S. This guy we're talking about? Totally an egg. Carry on." Unless I get some hard documentation on this, I'm not believing he was an egg anymore. That was fine when we were children, but we're all growed up now. Let's look ourselves in the eye, just this once, and admit that we have no reason to believe that Humpty Dumpty was an egg.

(Side note: if anybody tells me that this nursery rhyme was some kind of political commentary about the Battle of Agincourt or something, and Humpty Dumpty represented King Edward the Confessor, I'm going to throw up into my mouth a little, and pretend it was just a burp.)

Martha is home...

Ok, maybe I'm just not getting it. First of all, I'm sure her jail cell was a lot more roomy than most New York City apartments. But now she's at home. How is confining Martha Stewart to her estate for 5 months considered "punishment"?

I just think we need to revisit our concept of justice if the worst penalty we can come up with is to sentence someone to 5 months of confinement in a place that is way better than most of us will ever even SEE, let alone live in.

And besides, I barely ever leave my apartment. Where's my parade? Let her be confined to MY apartment for 5 months, see how she likes it. Actually, that doesn't sound too bad either. I mean, do they have to feed you, too? Come to think of it, that sounds fucking awesome. I would love it if I didn't have to leave here.

All right, then. A life of crime it is.

Subway PSA re: Animal Cruelty

I saw this one while walking to the train. It was a picture of Russell Simmons (of Def insert-urban-activity Jam fame) frolicking with a dog. Ok, he was just sitting there with the dog, but he seemed pretty happy. The tagline said:

CRUEL AIN'T COOL

And it gave some numbers to call if you knew about any animal abuse happening.

Now, I'm a huge fan of animals, and anyone who abuses an animal should be sodomized by a bear. And this psa isn't the worst one I've ever seen on this subject. (We all remember that famous one from the 70's with the tagline: The Fonz says "Only a nerd beats up on a bird. Ayyyyyy!")

That said, is this sort of thing really going to be very effective in stopping anyone from beating up their pet? Yes. Yes, it is. And here's how:

Kid 1: (enters stage left, punching a kitty) Dude, check this out. I'm totally beating the crap out of this kitty.

Kid 2: You sure are, pal. And I have to tell you, it is really cool.

(Both boys see the poster.)

Kid 1: (stops punching kitty) No it isn't. It's not cool at all, apparently.

Kid 2: I agree. I retract my previous statement.

Both: Thank you, poster!

Brought to you by the people who think that if you tell kids not to do something, they'll listen to you.

Spotty Bloggery

Just wanted to say a quick apology for not blogging more regularly. Or, to abbreviate, for not being more blogular. I blame the weather. And the tides. And the stages of the moon. And the fact that it was February.

But now, it's March, filled with Marchy goodness. Just look out your...uh...window, and see the...aw, crap.

Well, the good news about shitty weather is this: when it's all crappy like this you don't have to do anything. You're allowed to be lazy. I'm not sure why. I think it's because God doesn't know you're slacking off. He can't tell through the cloud cover. I guess he just gets lousy reception on his all-seeing thing. So enjoy!

Now it's just the Bahamas, what's next??

I saw an ad in the Subway for the Bahamas. Well, it was less of an ad and more of a "punishment" due to my total lack of financial ability to actual GO to the Bahamas. But I can't blame the Bahamas for that. Lord knows I've tried.

Anyway, the main ad had the tagline, "Find yourself on our 700 islands." (And not for nothing, but for an obsessive-compulsive person such as myself, telling me that you have 700 places for me to visit just stresses me out.)

Anyway again (how many digressions, oh lord?), there was a piece of graffiti on the ad. A graffitus, if you will. Someone had written in an extra zero, so instead of 700, it said 7,000.

I guess that someone is trying to bring down the Bahamaian economy by sending New Yorkers down there with inflated expectations of the number of islands they can visit.

"Hey, there aren't 7,000 islands here. What a gyp! Come on, honey. Let's go over to the U.S. Virgin Islands, where at least they tell you how many of them there really are."

Boy, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of THAT critique. Graffitist, I bow to you. Please don't take, say, my driver's license and make my weight appear to be ten times what it actually is. If I'm ever pulled over, I'll surely be questioned on that. And perhaps prosecuted (or at least directed to a weigh station, or tariffed or something.)